For protection, to express contempt, or to accomplish by subterfuge what one cannot accomplish openly, we mask the true meaning of our communications. The masking technique depends on the message and the audience, but the practice is rarely constructive. It usually makes or expresses trouble for the relationship.
Here are some examples of techniques for masking messages.
- Backdoor bragging
- Example: "It's painful for me to attend her meetings, because my own are so much more orderly and effective."
- This isn't merely a description of pain; rather, it's a claim about the quality of the speaker's meetings. But the claim is buried in a subordinate clause, where it's far less intrusive.
- Nonapology apologies
- Example: "If what I said offended anyone, I'm very sorry."
- This isn't a true apology, because it doesn't concede that what was said was offensive; it dissociates the speaker from what was said; and it isn't directed to anyone specifically. It's simply an expression of regret. See "Demanding Forgiveness," Point Lookout for June 18, 2003, for more.
- Implicit accusations
- Example: "You can join the team if you promise not to pout if your ideas aren't accepted."
- If the accusation had been stated directly, it would have read: "I've noticed that you pout if your ideas are not accepted. You can join the team if you promise to behave." The implicit form creates an urge to refute it, which risks validating the claim. See "Dealing with Implied Accusations," Point Lookout for January 10, 2001, for more.
- Masked messages usually
make or express trouble
for the relationship - Damning with faint praise
- Example: "Your leadership lately has been very useful."
- This message begins in the right direction, but ends with a dull thud. For extra thud, the speaker might pause before "lately" or after "very" as if to be searching for sufficiently neutral words.
- Backdoor damning
- Example: "On project after project, he has demonstrated an outstanding ability to conjure up plausible-sounding explanations for even the most complicated blunders."
- Here the critique is hidden behind what appears to be praise.
- Fake questions
- Example: "If you were to take responsibility for sorting out this mess, how would you do it?"
- By seducing the listener with a fake hypothetical question, the speaker hopes to nudge the listener toward a commitment to take responsibility for a mess.
- Snatchbacks
- Example: "I'd like very much to offer you a promotion…but it had to go to another department."
- A snatchback happens when the speaker begins with a welcome pronouncement, but ends by explaining something else or providing an excuse. The message recipient experiences the positive pronouncement for a second or two — an experience that is never truly erased.
Message masking is a habit for some; a deliberate choice for others. Both are corrosive to relationships. Noticing the pattern in the communications of others can help you reduce it in your own. Top Next Issue
Are you fed up with tense, explosive meetings? Are you or a colleague the target of a bully? Destructive conflict can ruin organizations. But if we believe that all conflict is destructive, and that we can somehow eliminate conflict, or that conflict is an enemy of productivity, then we're in conflict with Conflict itself. Read 101 Tips for Managing Conflict to learn how to make peace with conflict and make it an organizational asset. Order Now!
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Related articles
More articles on Effective Communication at Work:
- Dismissive Gestures: III
- Sometimes we use dismissive gestures to express disdain, to assert superior status, to exact revenge
or as tools of destructive conflict. And sometimes we use them by accident. They hurt personally, and
they harm the effectiveness of the organization. Here's Part III of a little catalog of dismissive gestures.
- Communication Templates: I
- Some communication patterns are so widely used that nearly everyone in a given cultural group knows
them. These templates demand certain prescribed responses, and societal norms enforce them. In themselves,
they're harmless, but there are risks.
- Columbo Tactics: II
- This is Part II of a series showing how the less powerful can adapt the tactics of TV detective Lt.
Columbo when they're interacting with the more powerful.
- More Things I've Learned Along the Way: IV
- When I gain an important insight, or when I learn a lesson, I write it down. Here's Part IV from my
personal collection. Example: When it comes to disputes and confusion, one person is enough.
- Mastering Messaging for Pandemics: I
- When a pandemic rages, face-to-face meetings are largely curtailed. Clarity in text messaging and email
communication becomes more important than usual. Citing dates and times unambiguously requires a more
rigorous approach than many are accustomed to.
See also Effective Communication at Work and Conflict Management for more related articles.
Forthcoming issues of Point Lookout
- Coming May 8: Antipatterns for Time-Constrained Communication: 3
- Recognizing just a few patterns that can lead to miscommunication can reduce the incidence of problems. Here is Part 3 of a collection of antipatterns that arise in technical communication under time pressure, emphasizing past experiences of participants. Available here and by RSS on May 8.
- And on May 15: Should I Write or Should I Call?
- After we recognize the need to contact a colleague or colleagues to work out a way to move forward, we next must decide how to make contact. Phone? Videoconference? Text message? There are some simple criteria that can help with such decisions. Available here and by RSS on May 15.
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