Point Lookout: a free weekly publication of Chaco Canyon Consulting
Volume 15, Issue 7;   February 18, 2015: Grace Under Fire: I

Grace Under Fire: I

by

If you're ever in a tight spot in a meeting, one in which you must defend your actions or past decisions, the soundness of your arguments can matter less than your demeanor. What can you do when someone intends to make you "lose it?"
Rep. Elijah Cummings and Rep. Darryl Issa

Rep. Darryl Issa (right), Chairman of the Oversight and Government Reform Committee of the U.S. House of Representatives of the 112th and 113th U.S. Congresses, and Rep. Elijah Cummings (left), Ranking Member of the committee. On March 5, 2014, during a hearing being conducted by the committee, Chairman Issa interrupted the testimony of Ms. Lois Lerner, former Director of the Exempt Organizations Unit of the U.S. Internal Revenue Service, and after a brief explanation, adjourned the hearing. Ms. Lerner had been in the midst of being questioned, and on advice of counsel, she had been responding to all questions by invoking her Fifth Amendment right not to testify because her testimony might tend to incriminate her. After a number of such responses, Chairman Issa apparently lost control of himself, unable to withstand Ms. Lerner's persistent invocation of Fifth Amendment rights. By abruptly terminating the hearing, over Rep. Cummings' forceful protestations, and even cutting off Rep. Cummings' microphone, Chairman Issa violated committee rules and customs of long standing. He thereby created an arguably bitter confrontation, which ultimately led to his public apology to Rep. Cummings. Watch the entire incident. Photo courtesy U.S. House of Representatives.

We're all flawed. We don't always behave in the way we hoped we would. Sometimes, our errors are 100% our own doing. And sometimes, what we regret is our response to what someone else has said or done (or hasn't said or hasn't done), intending to cause us to slip. We have names for that kind of error. We call it "taking the bait," "falling for that trap," "caving under pressure," or other similar phrases.

Successfully avoiding such traps is described as "showing grace under fire," "keeping your cool," or "keeping your head." Searching for tips about how to do that, we find suggestions like "control your emotions," "be positive," or "don't take it personally." But how does one do that?

Recognizing attackers' tactics in the moment, as they're being used, is helpful. Some tactics are obvious to most people, but here's a little catalog of some of the less obvious tactics people use to bait others.

Cloaked insults
Cloaked insults accomplish the attacker's goal more effectively than do obvious insults, because, to witnesses, a graceless response to obvious insults is understandable. But a comment that's insulting only if one knows important information might instead seem to be an innocent, factual observation. Responding gracelessly to such comments can seem to be over the top or inexplicable. Examples of cloaked insults include references to past private disagreements, or oblique references to the target's past failures or transgressions.
Subtle attacks
When attacks are subtle enough, they don't appear to bystanders to be attacks at all. As an example of a subtle attack, consider an assertion that the attacker expects to be selected for a possible future assignment to which both attacker and target aspire, but which bystander witnesses know little about. Witnesses might see the remark as innocent; the target might see it otherwise. Counterattacking, even deftly, can seem to be unprovoked.
Verbal triggering
If attacker When attacks are subtle enough,
they don't appear to bystanders
to be attacks at all
and target have had a relationship of significant duration, or if somehow the attacker has gained knowledge of topics that are sore spots for the target, the attacker can use word choices that bring these tender areas to mind for the target. For example, consider a discussion at a meeting. If the target led an effort in the past that is now widely regarded as a disappointment, the attacker can use an example from that effort as an illustration in support of a point someone else has made in the course of the current discussion. The attacker thus makes it necessary for the target to expend effort to maintain composure. In itself, this barb might not precipitate the target's loss of composure, but such expenditures of effort do accumulate. See "Ego Depletion: An Introduction," Point Lookout for November 20, 2013 for more.

We'll continue next time with more techniques for baiting other people.  Next in this series Go to top Top  Next issue: Grace Under Fire: II  Next Issue

101 Tips for Managing Conflict Are you fed up with tense, explosive meetings? Are you or a colleague the target of a bully? Destructive conflict can ruin organizations. But if we believe that all conflict is destructive, and that we can somehow eliminate conflict, or that conflict is an enemy of productivity, then we're in conflict with Conflict itself. Read 101 Tips for Managing Conflict to learn how to make peace with conflict and make it an organizational asset. Order Now!

Your comments are welcome

Would you like to see your comments posted here? rbrenEFIfztMDjOBPnVzSner@ChaclOATvSeHMrtlTPMmoCanyon.comSend me your comments by email, or by Web form.

About Point Lookout

Thank you for reading this article. I hope you enjoyed it and found it useful, and that you'll consider recommending it to a friend.

Point Lookout is a free weekly email newsletter. Browse the archive of past issues. Subscribe for free.

Support Point Lookout by joining the Friends of Point Lookout, as an individual or as an organization.

Do you face a complex interpersonal situation? Send it in, anonymously if you like, and I'll give you my two cents.

Related articles

More articles on Conflict Management:

Ancient stairs at ruins in CambodiaThe True Costs of Indirectness
Indirect communications are veiled, ambiguous, excessively diplomatic, or conveyed to people other than the actual target. We often use indirectness to avoid confrontation or to avoid dealing with conflict. It can be an expensive practice.
Governor Scott Walker of WisconsinIndicators of Lock-In: I
In group decision-making, lock-in occurs when the group persists in adhering to its chosen course even though superior alternatives exist. Lock-in can be disastrous for problem-solving organizations. What are some common indicators of lock-in?
XP-80 prototype Lulu-Belle on the groundNew Ideas: Generation
When groups work together to solve problems, they employ three processes repeatedly: they generate ideas, they judge those ideas, and they experiment with those ideas. We first examine idea generation.
Caneel with a close friend (me)Why Others Do What They Do
If you're human, you make mistakes. A particularly expensive kind of mistake is guessing incorrectly why others do what they do. Here are some of the ways we get this wrong.
Dogs Fighting in a Wooded Clearing, by Frans SnydersOvertalking: II
Overtalking is a tactic for dominating a conversation by talking to stop others from talking. When it happens, what can we do about it?

See also Conflict Management and Workplace Politics for more related articles.

Forthcoming issues of Point Lookout

Srinivasa RamanujanComing August 2: Linear Thinking Bias
When assessing the validity of problem solutions, we regard them as more valid if their discovery stories are logical, than we would if they're less than logical. This can lead to erroneous assessments, because the discovery story is not the solution. Available here and by RSS on August 2.
A hot dog with mustard on a bunAnd on August 9: Counterproductive Knowledge Workplace Behavior: II
In knowledge-oriented workplaces, counterproductive work behavior takes on forms that can be rare or unseen in other workplaces. Here's Part II of a growing catalog. Available here and by RSS on August 9.

Coaching services

I offer email and telephone coaching at both corporate and individual rates. Contact Rick for details at rbrenYoTFzPMZXFJwFGzJner@ChacZHpJbAlyloENcGeVoCanyon.com or (617) 491-6289, or toll-free in the continental US at (866) 378-5470.

Get the ebook!

Past issues of Point Lookout are available in six ebooks:

Reprinting this article

Are you a writer, editor or publisher on deadline? Are you looking for an article that will get people talking and get compliments flying your way? You can have 500 words in your inbox in one hour. License any article from this Web site. More info

Public seminars

The Power Affect: How We Express Our Personal Power
Many The Power Affect: How We Express Personal Powerpeople who possess real organizational power have a characteristic demeanor. It's the way they project their presence. I call this the power affect. Some people — call them power pretenders — adopt the power affect well before they attain significant organizational power. Unfortunately for their colleagues, and for their organizations, power pretenders can attain organizational power out of proportion to their merit or abilities. Understanding the power affect is therefore important for anyone who aims to attain power, or anyone who works with power pretenders. Read more about this program.

Creating High Performance Virtual Teams
Many Creating High Performance Virtual Teamspeople experience virtual teams as awkward, slow, and sometimes frustrating. Even when most team members hail from the same nation or culture, and even when they all speak the same language, geographic dispersion or the presence of employees from multiple enterprises is often enough to exclude all possibility of high performance. The problem is that we lead, manage, and support virtual teams in ways that are too much like the way we lead, manage, and support co-located teams. In this program, Rick Brenner shows you how to change your approach to leading, managing, and supporting virtual teams to achieve high performance using Simons' Four Spans model of high performance. Read more about this program. Here's a date for this program:

The Race to the South Pole: Ten Lessons for Project Managers
On 14The Race to the Pole: Ten Lessons for Project Managers December 1911, four men led by Roald Amundsen reached the South Pole. Thirty-five days later, Robert F. Scott and four others followed. Amundsen had won the race to the pole. Amundsen's party returned to base on 26 January 1912. Scott's party perished. As historical drama, why this happened is interesting enough, but to organizational leaders, business analysts, project sponsors, and project managers, the story is fascinating. Lessons abound. Read more about this program. Here's a date for this program:

The Power Affect: How We Express Our Personal Power
Many The Power Affect: How We Express Personal Powerpeople who possess real organizational power have a characteristic demeanor. It's the way they project their presence. I call this the power affect. Some people — call them power pretenders — adopt the power affect well before they attain significant organizational power. Unfortunately for their colleagues, and for their organizations, power pretenders can attain organizational power out of proportion to their merit or abilities. Understanding the power affect is therefore important for anyone who aims to attain power, or anyone who works with power pretenders. Read more about this program.

Follow Rick

Send email or subscribe to one of my newsletters Follow me at LinkedIn Follow me at Twitter, or share a tweet Follow me at Google+ or share a post Subscribe to RSS feeds Subscribe to RSS feeds
The message of Point Lookout is unique. Help get the message out. Please donate to help keep Point Lookout available for free to everyone.
21st Century Business TravelAre your business trips long chains of stressful misadventures? Have you ever wondered if there's a better way to get from here to there relaxed and refreshed? First class travel is one alternative, but you can do almost as well (without the high costs) if you know the tricks of the masters of 21st-century e-enabled business travel…
Go For It: Sometimes It's Easier If You RunBad boss, long commute, troubling ethical questions, hateful colleague? Learn what we can do when we love the work but not the job.
303 Tips for Virtual and Global TeamsLearn how to make your virtual global team sing.
101 Tips for Managing ChangeAre you managing a change effort that faces rampant cynicism, passive non-cooperation, or maybe even outright revolt?
101 Tips for Effective MeetingsLearn how to make meetings more productive — and more rare.
Exchange your "personal trade secrets" — the tips, tricks and techniques that make you an ace — with other aces, anonymously. Visit the Library of Personal Trade Secrets.