Point Lookout: a free weekly publication of Chaco Canyon Consulting
Volume 15, Issue 8;   February 25, 2015: Grace Under Fire: Part II

Grace Under Fire: Part II

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When we debate at work, things sometimes turn unpleasant. Out of control, one party might maneuver the other into losing control. If we have better tools for recognizing these tactics, we're better able to maintain self-control. Here's Part II of such a toolkit.
U.S. President Barack Obama and Arizona Governor Jan Brewer conferring in the Oval Office in 2010

U.S. President Barack Obama and Arizona Governor Jan Brewer conferring in the Oval Office in 2010. A more famous photograph of these two executives "conferring" depicts an exchange that occurred on the Phoenix-Mesa Gateway Airport tarmac in January 2012. In that photograph, taken by Haraz N. Ghanbari of the Associated Press, Gov. Brewer appears to be buttonholing the President, pointing her index finger at him in a most assertive manner. Because the interaction occurred in full public view, the Governor's actions were widely regarded as disrespectful, even hostile. So prevalent was that view, that the Governor had to deny any intention of hostility (see, for example, "Arizona Gov. Brewer Says She 'Was Not Hostile' in Meeting With Obama," a story available at the National Public Radio Web site).

I know of no direct evidence of the Governor's intentions in this incident. However, her behavior is consistent with what I call "ambushing" in this essay. The President's response — cool, measured attention — provides an outstanding example of the effective management of ambushes. Official White House Photo by Pete Souza.

In Part I of this exploration, we examined three tactics for causing other people to lose control. Skill in recognizing these tactics in the moment is helpful to anyone intent on remaining calm and resisting the urge to attack or to respond to insults in kind. But there are two other consequences of this kind of awareness. First, bystanders who recognize the tactics of manipulation are well equipped to intervene to halt the fracas before it expands. Second, and even more important, a general awareness of widespread ability to recognize these toxic behaviors is a deterrent to anyone considering employing them.

With these advantages in mind, consider four more examples.

Interrupting
Although interrupting others is widely regarded as rude, the effects of being interrupted vary from person to person. Interruptions can be so upsetting that graceless retaliation is difficult to avoid. And repeated, staccato interruption — badgering — can lead to angry outbursts by the person interrupted.
Startling
When startled, we're more likely to respond gracelessly. To exploit this, an attacker might approach a target stealthily from behind, and suddenly, and apparently affectionately, throw an arm around the target's shoulders. Or the attacker might enter the target's office unannounced at particularly inopportune moments. These methods use invasions of the target's personal space to induce fear responses. Personal space invasions are especially effective if the attacker has physically assaulted or threatened the target — or anyone known to the target — in the past.
Mock taunting or needling
To taunt is to provoke or ridicule with hurtful remarks. A mock taunt is a taunt delivered as if in jest, possibly with a wink or smile. Sometimes we call this behavior "needling." Attackers using this tactic expect their targets to be offended because the targets disregard the humorous wrapper. They expect bystanders to be duped by that wrapper. To bystanders, targets who respond gracelessly to the taunt then seem to be thin-skinned. The attacker can then deny intentionally inflicting pain, saying, "I didn't mean anything by it," or, "Can't you take a joke?" or "I didn't realize you were so touchy."
Ambushing
Ambush, especially in Ambush, especially in public,
depletes the target's ability
to maintain composure
public, depletes the target's ability to maintain composure by surprising the target in some way that threatens his or her ability to perform. For example, if the target is presenting to a small group virtually, and each remote site was to have received accompanying materials to be distributed in hardcopy, the attacker might deliver to some sites draft versions instead of the final versions, which might appear to be an honest mistake. The confusion can rattle the target, who then might not deal well with the attacker's probing or potentially embarrassing questions during the presentation.

Make a collection of the tactics you personally witness. They're most likely to come your way eventually. First in this series  Go to top Top  Next issue: Virtual Trips to Abilene  Next Issue

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Ramblers are people who can't get to the point. They ramble, they get lost in detail, and listeners can't follow their logic, if there is any. How can you deal with ramblers while maintaining civility and decorum? Available here and by RSS on April 5.
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