Off-Putting and Conversational Narcissism at Work: II

The act of connecting with others, or as Satir would say, making contact [Satir 1976], is "kryptonite" for conversational narcissists. They avoid it, and when they can't avoid making contact, they act to limit its duration and effects. They do engage in interpersonal interaction, but they limit its intimacy by engaging in ways that most would experience as off-putting.

This exploration of conversational narcissism began with "Self-Importance and Conversational Narcissism at Work: I," Point Lookout for October 4, 2023, with some definitions and examples. Briefly, conversational narcissism is the set of behaviors a conversation participant uses to direct the focus of a conversation from the topic at hand onto that participant or along directions favored by that participant. Conversational narcissism is a threat to organizational wellbeing because it distorts the outcomes of discussions, biasing them in ways preferred by individuals whose personal agendas might not align with organizational interests.

As noted in earlier posts, the methods used can be categorized as emphasizing some combination of self-importance, exploitation of others, exhibitionism, and impersonal relationships. This post continues an exploration of the narcissistic behaviors that are most closely associated with impersonal relationships.

A bit of terminology

Following the When someone enters our personal space,
especially unexpectedly, we might fold our
arms. This is a defensive and comforting
stance that is an example of an adaptor.pattern of previous posts in this series, I begin with some introductory information, repeated here for convenience. If you recall those earlier posts well enough, you can skip this next bit.

In the first post of this series I introduced the term abuser as a shorthand for narcissistic conversation participant, because the term narcissist won't do — not all abusers are narcissists. In general, it's the behavior that's narcissistic, not the person exhibiting the behavior (though some who exhibit the behavior are narcissists).

In these posts, I describe someone as "having the talking stick" if he or she is the person whom the conversation participants acknowledge as the current speaker. (The term speaker won't do, because someone else might be speaking too.)

Five patterns of conversational narcissism that are associated with distracting other participants

Guided by the work of Vangelisti, et al., I've collected 17 different patterns abusers use and which are associated with impersonal relationships. [Vangelisti 1990] Although Vangelisti, et al., use the term impersonal relationships to refer to this theme, I prefer off-putting interactions. My preference arises from my desire that the term be applicable not only to interactions between people who do have a working relationship of some kind, but also to interactions between people who don't have much of a relationship beyond the incident at hand. This might occur, for example, in the (relatively common) case of a cross-functional team or task force comprised of people who work together only rarely. Another example: making a case to a governance panel for a waiver of policy.

In a previous post I described six off-putting behaviors abusers use to create and maintain distance between themselves and other conversation participants. Those patterns relate to the way abusers respond to the contributions of other conversation participants. In this post I describe five more patterns. These patterns relate to how abusers' behavior distracts other participants from the matter at hand.

Exhibiting distracting adaptors

When we're feeling uncomfortable in a situation, we tend to try to restore a sense of comfort. Among the tactics we use are those called adaptors. [Ekman 1969] Adaptors are non-verbal. For example, when someone enters our personal space, especially unexpectedly, we might fold our arms. This is a defensive and comforting stance. It's an example of an alter-adaptor, sometimes called an other-adaptor. The three types of adaptors — self-adaptors, alter-adaptors, and object-adaptors — all involve some kind of touching. Respectively, they're responses to something about oneself, another person, or an object. Adaptors don't communicate any particular message, and they usually occur outside the awareness of the people exhibiting them.

Along with the fidgeting movements that we interpret as signs of nervousness, we tend to "read" an abuser's adaptors as indicators of anxiety in the abuser. Making such interpretations can make us uncomfortable — they're off-putting. So an abuser who feels nervous or who feels uncomfortable because the group's focus is on someone else might resort to using adaptors, which, in turn, makes other conversation participants feel uncomfortable. This dynamic pulls the entire conversation away from its objective, with everyone feeling uncomfortable, until the abuser finds comfort either by turning the focus onto themselves or a topic more preferred, or by some other method, or by exiting the conversation.

Displaying impatience with others

When someone other than the abuser has the talking stick, the abuser regards the situation as a problem to be solved, because the talking stick is essential for controlling the conversation. There is no time for patience or courtesy. Displaying impatience is one way to demand the talking stick. But the display serves another purpose less obvious. Displaying impatience deters other conversation participants from reaching for the talking stick, because they realize that being next to speak invites open conflict with the abuser.

Scanning beyond the conversation

In a room that contains multiple simultaneous conversations, scanning behavior involves assessing other conversations from afar, usually one-by-one. For the abuser, the assessment can determine which conversations might be most vulnerable to being repointed into some direction more to the abuser's liking. A reliable assessment might require that the abuser process both visual and auditory samples. The consequence of such scanning is a change in the abuser's affect. Abusers engaged in scanning seem to be obviously inattentive to the conversation they're attached to. Other participants in that conversation, recognizing that the abuser is searching for more interesting ground, often take offense.

Chasing squirrels

One definition of squirrelly is, "inclined to rush this way and that unpredictably," a sense that has been in use for many decades. [Harper 2023] A tactic abusers might deploy is to "go squirrely," or as some say, "chase squirrels." It involves interjecting an irrelevant comment at what seems to be a random time. "Look! A rainbow!" Or, as in the Disney/Pixar film, Up!, calling out "Squirrel!." The effect is striking. The conversation almost certainly retargets itself to whatever the abuser evoked. Some participants resent this tactic, but many just follow along. In any case, the abuser will have taken over the conversation.

Interacting with devices

One form of distraction unavailable until more recently than the work of Vangelisti, et al., is the personal electronic device — smartphones, computers, tablets, and their much earlier audio-only predecessors. Abusers dissatisfied with the present conversation can easily tune it out and engage with their devices. More significant, perhaps, is the message they communicate to other conversation participants by doing so. Engaging with a personal device has an effect like some combination scanning beyond the conversation and displaying impatience with others. And if the abuser uses the device to communicate with other conversation participants, the effect is enhanced, because it establishes a second e-conversation that competes with the face-to-face conversation.

Last words

These posts have been assuming, implicitly, that the conversation in question is a face-to-face conversation. But all the tactics described have virtual analogs. We can explore the possibilities by positing a virtual conversation, and devising descriptions of virtual conversational narcissistic tactics.

In next week's post I'll examine six more patterns abusers use to distance themselves from other conversation participants. Those patterns relate to how abusers use cameras and how they ask questions to control the behavior of other conversation participants. First in this series   Next in this series  Top    Next Issue

Is every other day a tense, anxious, angry misery as you watch people around you, who couldn't even think their way through a game of Jacks, win at workplace politics and steal the credit and glory for just about everyone's best work including yours? Read 303 Secrets of Workplace Politics, filled with tips and techniques for succeeding in workplace politics. More info

Footnotes

Your comments are welcome

Would you like to see your comments posted here? rbrendPtoGuFOkTSMQOzxner@ChacEgGqaylUnkmwIkkwoCanyon.comSend me your comments by email, or by Web form.

About Point Lookout

Thank you for reading this article. I hope you enjoyed it and found it useful, and that you'll consider recommending it to a friend.

This article in its entirety was written by a human being. No machine intelligence was involved in any way.

Point Lookout is a free weekly email newsletter. Browse the archive of past issues. Subscribe for free.

Support Point Lookout by joining the Friends of Point Lookout, as an individual or as an organization.

Do you face a complex interpersonal situation? Send it in, anonymously if you like, and I'll give you my two cents.

Related articles

More articles on Effective Meetings:

Problem Defining and Problem Solving

Sometimes problem-solving sessions are difficult because we get started solving a problem before we know what problem we're solving. Understanding the connection between stakeholders, problem solving, and problem defining can reduce conflict and produce better solutions.

Finding the Third Way

When a team is divided, and agreement seems out of reach, attempts to resolve the conflict usually focus on the differences between the contrasting positions. Focusing instead on their similarities can be a productive technique for reaching agreement.

Meta-Debate at Work

Workplace discussions sometimes take the form of informal debate, in which parties who initially have different perspectives try to arrive at a shared perspective. Meta-debate is one way things can go wrong.

Rationalizing Creativity at Work: I

Much of the work of modern organizations requires creative thinking. But financial and schedule pressures can cause us to adopt processes that unexpectedly and paradoxically suppress creativity, thereby increasing costs and stretching schedules. What are the properties of effective approaches?

Asking Burning Questions

When we suddenly realize that an important question needs answering, directly asking that question in a meeting might not be an effective way to focus the attention of the group. There are risks. Fortunately, there are also ways to manage those risks.

See also Effective Meetings and Workplace Politics for more related articles.

Forthcoming issues of Point Lookout

Coming May 1: Antipatterns for Time-Constrained Communication: 2

Recognizing just a few patterns that can lead to miscommunication can reduce the incidence of miscommunications. Here's Part 2 of a collection of antipatterns that arise in communication under time pressure, emphasizing those that depend on content. Available here and by RSS on May 1.

And on May 8: Antipatterns for Time-Constrained Communication: 3

Recognizing just a few patterns that can lead to miscommunication can reduce the incidence of problems. Here is Part 3 of a collection of antipatterns that arise in technical communication under time pressure, emphasizing past experiences of participants. Available here and by RSS on May 8.

Coaching services

I offer email and telephone coaching at both corporate and individual rates. Contact Rick for details at rbrendPtoGuFOkTSMQOzxner@ChacEgGqaylUnkmwIkkwoCanyon.com or (650) 787-6475, or toll-free in the continental US at (866) 378-5470.

Get the ebook!

Past issues of Point Lookout are available in six ebooks:

• Get 2001-2 in Geese Don't Land on Twigs (PDF, )
• Get 2003-4 in Why Dogs Wag (PDF, )
• Get 2005-6 in Loopy Things We Do (PDF, )
• Get 2007-8 in Things We Believe That Maybe Aren't So True (PDF, )
• Get 2009-10 in The Questions Not Asked (PDF, )
• Get all of the first twelve years (2001-2012) in The Collected Issues of Point Lookout (PDF, )

Are you a writer, editor or publisher on deadline? Are you looking for an article that will get people talking and get compliments flying your way? You can have 500-1000 words in your inbox in one hour. License any article from this Web site. More info