Point Lookout: a free weekly publication of Chaco Canyon Consulting
Volume 13, Issue 42;   October 16, 2013: Overtalking: I

Overtalking: I

by

Overtalking is the practice of using one's own talking to prevent others from talking. It can lead to hurt feelings and toxic conflict. Why does it happen and what can we do about it?
Bull Elk Antler Sparring for Dominance in their herd

Bull elk antler sparring for dominance in their herd. The larger bull elk is certainly winning in this contest for who is strongest and deserves the right to rule the herd. This is a common occurrence when the female and male elk are in rut. The configurations of antlers vary from bull to bull, but most configurations are such that the bulls can easily disengage once locked. From time to time, though, two bulls can actually lock antlers in a way in which they cannot disengage, and that event can lead to the deaths of both.

Overtalking can be analogous to antler-locking. Usually the combatants find ways to disengage, but any particular pair might view the engagement in ways that make disengagement impossible for both.

Photo and caption courtesy ForestWander.com.

Those absolutely determined to dominate a conversation sometimes resort to overtalking, which is the tactic of intentionally beginning to speak, or continuing to speak, to prevent others from speaking or to make them stop if they're already speaking.

We sometimes characterize such people as overtalkers. This is most unhelpful, because it reduces the person's humanity to a single dimension — their overtalking. When we speak in terms that disregard the personhood of others we make it easier to employ abusive, disrespectful tactics in our attempts to deal with the overtalking behavior. So Step One in dealing with someone who overtalks is to realize that their overtalking isn't a full description of their humanity. If it were, attempts to persuade him or her to take a different approach would be futile.

People choose overtalking for a variety of reasons. Here are three examples:

Tit-for-tat
Overtalking is sometimes seen as necessary, though not necessarily effective, when dealing with overtalking. Tit-for-tat usually results in two people talking at each other, desperately trying to focus on what they themselves are saying, to avoid being confused by what the other person is saying. To accomplish this, they sometimes find it necessary to talk increasingly loudly.
Life patterns
Some people were reared in family environments or in cultures in which overtalking was a common pattern of conversation. They see overtalking as part of normal, human conversation. To some, reluctance to overtalk suggests weakness or lack of commitment to one's own beliefs.
Bullying
Overtalking can be a tool employed by those who want to bully others. People who use it in this way probably believe that overtalking is disrespectful. They engage in overtalking, in part, because they believe that their targets will feel disrespected.

Overtalking is expensive to the organization. Here are some examples of the costs it imposes.

Reduced productivity of meetings
Because overtalking Some people were reared in
family environments or in
cultures in which overtalking
was a common pattern
of conversation
prevents people from clearly hearing what's being said, it impedes the free exchange of ideas, which reduces the productivity of meetings. But worse than that is the confusion that can result when someone misunderstands what was said during the overtalking, or fails to hear it at all.
Increased risk of toxic conflict
Frustration arising when someone talks over another person, coupled with a sense of being disrespected or even violated, can easily lead to hurt feelings and ruptured relationships. This makes fertile ground for toxic conflict.
Intimidation effects
When one person in a meeting repeatedly uses overtalking to prevent others from contributing, others are likely to adopt a lemme-outta-here stance. They decide that the experience of being overtalked is so repugnant that they try to limit their risk by speaking only minimally, or by not speaking at all. This deprives the meeting of their contributions, which can lead to distorted results.

What can we do about overtalking? That's the topic for next time.  Next in this series Go to top Top  Next issue: Overtalking: II  Next Issue

101 Tips for Managing Conflict Are you fed up with tense, explosive meetings? Are you or a colleague the target of a bully? Destructive conflict can ruin organizations. But if we believe that all conflict is destructive, and that we can somehow eliminate conflict, or that conflict is an enemy of productivity, then we're in conflict with Conflict itself. Read 101 Tips for Managing Conflict to learn how to make peace with conflict and make it an organizational asset. Order Now!

Your comments are welcome

Would you like to see your comments posted here? rbrenkDsnEXYeQktxyLyhner@ChacQyhgaQJJvSSfUZHboCanyon.comSend me your comments by email, or by Web form.

About Point Lookout

Thank you for reading this article. I hope you enjoyed it and found it useful, and that you'll consider recommending it to a friend.

Point Lookout is a free weekly email newsletter. Browse the archive of past issues. Subscribe for free.

Support Point Lookout by joining the Friends of Point Lookout, as an individual or as an organization.

Do you face a complex interpersonal situation? Send it in, anonymously if you like, and I'll give you my two cents.

Related articles

More articles on Conflict Management:

You worthless piece of trash!Hurtful Clichés: I
Much of our day-to-day conversation consists of harmless clichés: "How goes it?" or "Nice to meet you." Some other clichés aren't harmless, but they're so common that we use them without thinking. Maybe it's time for some thought.
A TSA Officer screening a passengerVirtual Termination with Real Respect
When we have to terminate someone who works at a remote site, sometimes there's a temptation to avoid travel — to use email, phone, fax, or something else. They're all bad ideas. Terminating people in person is not only a gesture of respect. It's good business.
A modern roller coaster showing an inverted portion of the tripHow Workplace Bullies Use OODA: II
Workplace bullies who succeed in carrying on their activities over a long period of time are intuitive users of Boyd's OODA model. Here's Part II of an exploration of how bullies use the model.
A dense Lodgepole Pine stand in Yellowstone National Park in the United StatesAgenda Despots: I
Many of us abhor meetings. Words like boring, silly, and waste come to mind. But for some meeting Chairs, meetings aren't boring at all, because they fear losing control of the agenda. To maintain control, they use the techniques of the Agenda Despots.
The flagship store of the Market Basket supermarket chainCreating Toxic Conflict: I
Many managers seem to operate as if their primary goal is to create toxic conflict among their subordinates. Here's a collection of methods for sowing toxic conflict that can help bad managers become worse managers.

See also Conflict Management and Workplace Bullying for more related articles.

Forthcoming issues of Point Lookout

Five almondsComing October 25: Workplace Memes
Some patterns of workplace society reduce organizational effectiveness in ways that often escape our notice. Here are five examples. Available here and by RSS on October 25.
Terminal 3 of Beijing Capital International AirportAnd on November 1: Risk Creep: I
Risk creep is a term that describes the insidious and unrecognized increase in risk that occurs despite our every effort to mitigate risk or avoid it altogether. What are the dominant sources of risk creep? Available here and by RSS on November 1.

Coaching services

I offer email and telephone coaching at both corporate and individual rates. Contact Rick for details at rbrengeilyzZaCSdUbaalner@ChacCjYIjVHSQcYRQcWkoCanyon.com or (617) 491-6289, or toll-free in the continental US at (866) 378-5470.

Get the ebook!

Past issues of Point Lookout are available in six ebooks:

Reprinting this article

Are you a writer, editor or publisher on deadline? Are you looking for an article that will get people talking and get compliments flying your way? You can have 500 words in your inbox in one hour. License any article from this Web site. More info

Public seminars

Ten Project Management Fallacies: The Power of Avoiding Hazards
Most Ten Project Management Fallaciesof what we know about managing projects is useful and effective, but some of what we know "just ain't so." Identifying the fallacies of project management reduces risk and enhances your ability to complete projects successfully. Even more important, avoiding these traps can demonstrate the value and power of the project management profession in general, and your personal capabilities in particular. In this program we describe ten of these beliefs. There are almost certainly many more, but these ten are a good start. We'll explore the situations where these fallacies are most likely to expose projects to risk, and suggest techniques for avoiding them. Read more about this program. Here's a date for this program:

The Power Affect: How We Express Our Personal Power
Many The Power Affect: How We Express Personal Powerpeople who possess real organizational power have a characteristic demeanor. It's the way they project their presence. I call this the power affect. Some people — call them power pretenders — adopt the power affect well before they attain significant organizational power. Unfortunately for their colleagues, and for their organizations, power pretenders can attain organizational power out of proportion to their merit or abilities. Understanding the power affect is therefore important for anyone who aims to attain power, or anyone who works with power pretenders. Read more about this program.

Follow Rick

Send email or subscribe to one of my newsletters Follow me at LinkedIn Follow me at Twitter, or share a tweet Follow me at Google+ or share a post Subscribe to RSS feeds Subscribe to RSS feeds
The message of Point Lookout is unique. Help get the message out. Please donate to help keep Point Lookout available for free to everyone.
Workplace Politics Awareness Month KitIn October, increase awareness of workplace politics, and learn how to convert destructive politics into creative politics. Order the Workplace Politics Awareness Month Kit during October at the special price of USD 29.95 and save USD 10.00! Includes a copy of my tips book 303 Secrets of Workplace Politics which is a value!! ! Check it out!
Go For It: Sometimes It's Easier If You RunBad boss, long commute, troubling ethical questions, hateful colleague? Learn what we can do when we love the work but not the job.
303 Tips for Virtual and Global TeamsLearn how to make your virtual global team sing.
101 Tips for Managing ChangeAre you managing a change effort that faces rampant cynicism, passive non-cooperation, or maybe even outright revolt?
101 Tips for Effective MeetingsLearn how to make meetings more productive — and more rare.
Exchange your "personal trade secrets" — the tips, tricks and techniques that make you an ace — with other aces, anonymously. Visit the Library of Personal Trade Secrets.