The force of Evan's voice brought Doug back from his reverie, and mentally he played back Evan's last words. They were: "What do I have to say to get through to you people?" The meeting was now completely silent. Not everyone was as self-assured as Doug, who was now certain that some were actually frightened.
are both painful
to hear and
very easy to say'Sure enough,' Doug thought, 'he's lost it again.'
Evan has employed phrasing we've heard many times, beginning in childhood. It's an example of what I call a hurtful cliché — a phrase or construct that hurts, but which is also so common that we use it without thinking.
We have dozens of hurtful clichés. Not only are they painful to hear, but they also harm the speaker by threatening conversational cooperation. Here's a little catalog of some of the more common hurtful clichés. See "Hurtful Clichés: II," Point Lookout for July 27, 2005, for more.
but we use them
so often that
we forget how
much they hurtEducating others about stress management might be OK if they come to you seeking such advice. Otherwise, it can seem patronizing and offensive.
If you make a collection of hurtful clichés you use yourself, you'll use them less often — if you have half a brain, that is. Er, uh, I mean, collecting them makes you more aware of them, and if you're more aware, you're less likely to use them. Sorry about that. Next in this series Top Next Issue
We sometimes use clichés as a means of achieving indirectness; indeed, that's one reason why phrases become clichés. For more on indirectness see "The True Costs of Indirectness," Point Lookout for November 29, 2006.
Are you fed up with tense, explosive meetings? Are you or a colleague the target of a bully? Destructive conflict can ruin organizations. But if we believe that all conflict is destructive, and that we can somehow eliminate conflict, or that conflict is an enemy of productivity, then we're in conflict with Conflict itself. Read 101 Tips for Managing Conflict to learn how to make peace with conflict and make it an organizational asset. Order Now!
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More articles on Workplace Bullying:
- Some Truths About Lies: II
- Knowing when someone else is lying doesn't make you a more ethical person, but it sure can be an advantage
if you want to stay out of trouble. Here's Part II of a catalog of techniques misleaders use.
- Deniable Intimidation
- Some people achieve or maintain power by intimidating others in deniable ways. Too often, when intimidators
succeed, their success rests in part on our unwillingness to resist, or on our lack of skill. By understanding
their tactics, and by preparing responses, we can deter intimidators.
- Dealing with Rapid-Fire Attacks
- When a questioner repeatedly attacks someone within seconds of their starting to reply, complaining
to management about a pattern of abuse can work — if management understands abuse, and if management
wants deal with it. What if management is no help?
- The Paradox of Structure and Workplace Bullying
- Structures of all kinds — organizations, domains of knowledge, cities, whatever — are both
enabling and limiting. To gain more of the benefits of structure, while avoiding their limits, it helps
to understand this paradox and learn to recognize its effects.
- Social Isolation and Workplace Bullying
- Social isolation is a tactic widely used by workplace bullies. What is it? How do bullies use it? Why
do bullies use it? What can targets do about it?
Forthcoming issues of Point Lookout
- Coming November 22: Motivation and the Reification Error
- We commit the reification error when we assume, incorrectly, that we can treat abstract constructs as if they were real objects. It's a common error when we try to motivate people. Available here and by RSS on November 22.
- And on November 29: Manipulators Beware
- When manipulators try to manipulate others, they're attempting to unscrupulously influence their targets to decide or act in some way the manipulators prefer. But some targets manage to outwit their manipulators. Available here and by RSS on November 29.
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