Most of our interactions at work focus on content, reasonably and calmly. We work together to get things done, most of the time. Even when we hit speed bumps, rumble strips or road humps, we continue to work together — mostly. At other times, we get frazzled, frustrated, angry, manic, incensed, outraged, or even murderous. How can we get control sooner and keep control more often?
A practice of self-discipline of some form does help. Some people focus on their breathing. For me, it's a stance I call bemused detachment. It doesn't work every time, but it often helps.
When we work together, bumps, affronts, and insults sometimes happen. And sometimes, they don't happen but we think they did. Either way, we react faster than we know. We judge others and their intentions, and sometimes we feel the urge to extract revenge, or to teach them lessons they haven't asked for.
When we act on these urges, we can create for ourselves new memories to regret. Goodness knows, we don't need any more of those. I already have plenty to regret.
We react not only to what others have said or done, but also to our own interpretations and to the significance we attach to those interpretations. If we can manage to slow down, we're less likely to act on the urge for revenge or the urge to educate.
Bemused detachment gives me a way to ask questions, silently, of myself, which slows me down. I like humor, so I try to ask whacky, somewhat funny questions. For example, when someone is rude to me, I can ask myself, "I wonder who spread the asphalt on his toast this morning?" Or, "Did I remember to remove the bull's-eye from my chest before I walked in here?" Or, "If this guy is trying to get me to lose it, I wonder if that really is the best he can do."
Bemused detachment is a stance of connected curiosity with a dash of fun. Here are two tips for learning to maintain this stance.We react not only to what
others have said or done,
but also to our own
interpretations and to the
significance we attach to
- Practice interpretation
- After some regrettably reactive incidents, practice coming up with interpretations of whatever you reacted to. Find as many interpretations as you can that have nothing to do with you.
- Observe others' reaction choices
- Observe others reacting, and find interpretations of what they reacted to that were not about them. Since these incidents probably aren't about you, you might be able to discover not-about-them interpretations more easily.
After you practice for a while, you'll notice times when you succeed in adopting a stance of bemused detachment. This is progress, but don't let it go to your head, because you'll surely slip from time to time. When you do slip, you can ask yourself, "If I'm trying to be an idiot, is that really the best I can do?" Top Next Issue
Are you fed up with tense, explosive meetings? Are you or a colleague the target of a bully? Destructive conflict can ruin organizations. But if we believe that all conflict is destructive, and that we can somehow eliminate conflict, or that conflict is an enemy of productivity, then we're in conflict with Conflict itself. Read 101 Tips for Managing Conflict to learn how to make peace with conflict and make it an organizational asset. Order Now!
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More articles on Conflict Management:
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Forthcoming issues of Point Lookout
- Coming October 4: Self-Importance and Conversational Narcissism at Work: I
- Conversational narcissism is a set of behaviors that participants use to focus the exchange on their own self-interest rather than the shared objective. This post emphasizes the role of these behaviors in advancing a narcissist's sense of self-importance. Available here and by RSS on October 4.
- And on October 11: Self-Importance and Conversational Narcissism at Work: II
- Self-importance is one of four major themes of conversational narcissism. Knowing how to recognize the patterns of conversational narcissism is a fundamental skill needed for controlling it. Here are eight examples that emphasize self-importance. Available here and by RSS on October 11.
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