Point Lookout: a free weekly publication of Chaco Canyon Consulting
Volume 3, Issue 49;   December 3, 2003: When We Need a Little Help

When We Need a Little Help

by

Sometimes we get in over our heads — too much work, work we don't understand, or even complex politics. We can ask for help, but we often forget that we can. Even when we remember, we sometimes hold back. Why is asking for help, or remembering that we can ask, so difficult? How can we make it easier?
Helping each other

Resigned, Andrew finally tapped on Jane's doorframe. He needed help and he hated needing help, but Jane was the right person to ask. "Andrew. Come in," she said, grabbing her coffee mug and rolling over to her conference table. Nobody had ever seen Jane more than two feet from her coffee mug. "So…" she said.

"Marigold won't make the date," Andrew began, "and I have to tell Emmons in an hour. I remember you had some success with him when Metronome was late, so I thought you could give me some insight."

Jane sipped as she looked at Andrew across the top of her mug. "Sure," she said. "The key is to ask him for help."

Dejected, Andrew sighed.

Andrew has struggled to ask Jane for help, and now he's learned that he'll have to do it all again with Emmons. Why is asking for help so difficult for so many? Here are three reasons.

Education and training
Although We sometimes fear
undesirable consequences
so much that we risk
failure rather than
ask for help
team projects in school are common now, they were rare even ten years ago. Most of us were expected to work independently all through our education. To do otherwise was "cheating." We carry with us a sense that asking for help is a mark of inadequacy.
Deep cultural values
In many cultures, we learn at a young age that individual accomplishment is most prized, especially if it's achieved in opposition to conventional wisdom. Asking for help, we "spoil" any chance of becoming the lone hero we so admire.
Fear of imaginary consequences
We sometimes fear undesirable consequences, especially from those with organizational authority over us. Even when these fears aren't supported by actual data, they can be so strong that we risk failure rather than ask for help.

As leaders, we can do much to encourage help seeking.

Ask for help
When you need help yourself, ask for it. Be open about the request, and be open about having received help.
Be explicit
When you charter an effort, be explicit about your expectations: "I think you have all you'll need for this," or "If you run into any problems I might be able to help with, let me know." Be clear about your own expectations.
Establish and maintain the universal context
Define and clearly communicate your expectations about assistance with load management, resource allocation, or politics. Be consistent. And when asked for the help you've been promising, deliver it.

When we need help, and we delay asking for it, we squander the most important resource that people need to help us address the problem: time. What do you need help with right now? How soon can you ask for it? Go to top Top  Next issue: Help for Asking for Help  Next Issue

Go For It: Sometimes It's Easier If You RunLove the work but not the job? Bad boss, long commute, troubling ethical questions, hateful colleague? This ebook looks at what we can do to get more out of life at work. It helps you get moving again! Read Go For It! Sometimes It's Easier If You Run, filled with tips and techniques for putting zing into your work life. Order Now!

Next time: tips for asking for help.

Your comments are welcome

Would you like to see your comments posted here? rbrenubcqSvusyBsQaEDwner@ChacfhuriyFKgDguTpuYoCanyon.comSend me your comments by email, or by Web form.

About Point Lookout

This article in its entirety was written by a 
          human being. No machine intelligence was involved in any way.Thank you for reading this article. I hope you enjoyed it and found it useful, and that you'll consider recommending it to a friend.

This article in its entirety was written by a human being. No machine intelligence was involved in any way.

Point Lookout is a free weekly email newsletter. Browse the archive of past issues. Subscribe for free.

Support Point Lookout by joining the Friends of Point Lookout, as an individual or as an organization.

Do you face a complex interpersonal situation? Send it in, anonymously if you like, and I'll give you my two cents.

Related articles

More articles on Personal, Team, and Organizational Effectiveness:

Apollo 13 Shoulder PatchFilms Not About Project Teams: I
Here's part one of a list of films and videos about project teams that weren't necessarily meant to be about project teams. Most are available to borrow from the public library, and all are great fun.
A grove of quaking aspenFinding Work in Tough Times: Infrastructure
Finding work in tough times goes a lot more easily if you have at least a minimum of equipment and space to do the job. Here are some thoughts about getting that infrastructure and managing it.
An F-35 Lightning II joint strike fighter test aircraft AA-1 undergoes flight testing over Fort Worth, TexasThe Deck Chairs of the ``Em''Titanic``/Em'': Task Duration
Much of what we call ``Em''work``/Em'' is as futile and irrelevant as rearranging the deck chairs of the ``Em''Titanic``/Em''. We continue our exploration of futile and irrelevant work, this time emphasizing behaviors that extend task duration.
Two F-22A raptors line up for refuelingSymbolic Self-Completion and Projects
The theory of symbolic self-completion holds that to define themselves, humans sometimes assert indicators of achievement that either they do not have, or that do not mean what they seem to mean. This behavior has consequences for managing project-oriented organizations.
A dog in despairBe Choosier About Job Offers: I
A serious error some job seekers make is accepting an offer that isn't actually a good fit. We make this mistake for a variety of reasons, including hating the job-search process, desperation, and wishful thinking. How can we avoid the error?

See also Personal, Team, and Organizational Effectiveness and Personal, Team, and Organizational Effectiveness for more related articles.

Forthcoming issues of Point Lookout

Pair of Wooden Shoes [right] (Sabots)Coming June 4: White-Collar Contractor Sabotage
Modern firms in competitive, dynamic markets draw on many types of employer/employee relationships, including contractors. By providing privileges and perks preferentially among these different types, they risk creating a caldron of resentments that can reduce organizational effectiveness. Available here and by RSS on June 4.
Horse Shoe Bend of the Colorado River in the Grand CanyonAnd on June 11: More Things I've Learned Along the Way: VI
When I gain an important insight, or when I learn a lesson, I make a note. Example: If you're interested in changing how a social construct operates, knowing how it came to be the way it is can be much less useful than knowing what keeps it the way it is. Available here and by RSS on June 11.

Coaching services

I offer email and telephone coaching at both corporate and individual rates. Contact Rick for details at rbrenubcqSvusyBsQaEDwner@ChacfhuriyFKgDguTpuYoCanyon.com or (650) 787-6475, or toll-free in the continental US at (866) 378-5470.

Get the ebook!

Past issues of Point Lookout are available in six ebooks:

Reprinting this article

Are you a writer, editor or publisher on deadline? Are you looking for an article that will get people talking and get compliments flying your way? You can have 500-1000 words in your inbox in one hour. License any article from this Web site. More info

Follow Rick

Send email or subscribe to one of my newsletters Follow me at LinkedIn Follow me at Bluesky, or share a post Subscribe to RSS feeds Subscribe to RSS feeds
The message of Point Lookout is unique. Help get the message out. Please donate to help keep Point Lookout available for free to everyone.
Technical Debt for Policymakers BlogMy blog, Technical Debt for Policymakers, offers resources, insights, and conversations of interest to policymakers who are concerned with managing technical debt within their organizations. Get the millstone of technical debt off the neck of your organization!
52 Tips for Leaders of Project-Oriented OrganizationsAre your project teams plagued by turnover, burnout, and high defect rates? Turn your culture around.
Go For It: Sometimes It's Easier If You RunBad boss, long commute, troubling ethical questions, hateful colleague? Learn what we can do when we love the work but not the job.
101 Tips for Effective MeetingsLearn how to make meetings more productive — and more rare.
Ebooks, booklets and tip books on project management, conflict, writing email, effective meetings and more.
Comprehensive collection of all e-books and e-bookletsSave a bundle and even more important save time! Order the Combo Package and download all ebooks and tips books at once.
If your teams don't yet consistently achieve state-of-the-art teamwork, check out this catalog. Help is just a few clicks/taps away!