When We Need a Little Help

Resigned, Andrew finally tapped on Jane's doorframe. He needed help and he hated needing help, but Jane was the right person to ask. "Andrew. Come in," she said, grabbing her coffee mug and rolling over to her conference table. Nobody had ever seen Jane more than two feet from her coffee mug. "So…" she said.

"Marigold won't make the date," Andrew began, "and I have to tell Emmons in an hour. I remember you had some success with him when Metronome was late, so I thought you could give me some insight."

Jane sipped as she looked at Andrew across the top of her mug. "Sure," she said. "The key is to ask him for help."

Dejected, Andrew sighed.

Andrew has struggled to ask Jane for help, and now he's learned that he'll have to do it all again with Emmons. Why is asking for help so difficult for so many? Here are three reasons.

Education and training

Although We sometimes fear
undesirable consequences
so much that we risk
failure rather than
ask for helpteam projects in school are common now, they were rare even ten years ago. Most of us were expected to work independently all through our education. To do otherwise was "cheating." We carry with us a sense that asking for help is a mark of inadequacy.

Deep cultural values

In many cultures, we learn at a young age that individual accomplishment is most prized, especially if it's achieved in opposition to conventional wisdom. Asking for help, we "spoil" any chance of becoming the lone hero we so admire.

Fear of imaginary consequences

We sometimes fear undesirable consequences, especially from those with organizational authority over us. Even when these fears aren't supported by actual data, they can be so strong that we risk failure rather than ask for help.

As leaders, we can do much to encourage help seeking.

Ask for help

When you need help yourself, ask for it. Be open about the request, and be open about having received help.

Be explicit

When you charter an effort, be explicit about your expectations: "I think you have all you'll need for this," or "If you run into any problems I might be able to help with, let me know." Be clear about your own expectations.

Establish and maintain the universal context

Define and clearly communicate your expectations about assistance with load management, resource allocation, or politics. Be consistent. And when asked for the help you've been promising, deliver it.

When we need help, and we delay asking for it, we squander the most important resource that people need to help us address the problem: time. What do you need help with right now? How soon can you ask for it?  Top    Next Issue

Love the work but not the job? Bad boss, long commute, troubling ethical questions, hateful colleague? This ebook looks at what we can do to get more out of life at work. It helps you get moving again! Read Go For It! Sometimes It's Easier If You Run, filled with tips and techniques for putting zing into your work life. Order Now!

Next time: tips for asking for help.

Your comments are welcome

About Point Lookout

Thank you for reading this article. I hope you enjoyed it and found it useful, and that you'll consider recommending it to a friend.

Point Lookout is a free weekly email newsletter. Browse the archive of past issues. Subscribe for free.

Support Point Lookout by joining the Friends of Point Lookout, as an individual or as an organization.

Do you face a complex interpersonal situation? Send it in, anonymously if you like, and I'll give you my two cents.

Related articles

More articles on Personal, Team, and Organizational Effectiveness:

Email Antics: III

Nearly everyone complains that email is a time waster. Yet much of the problem results from our own actions. Here's Part III of a little catalog of things we do that help waste our time.

Problem Defining and Problem Solving

Sometimes problem-solving sessions are difficult because we get started solving a problem before we know what problem we're solving. Understanding the connection between stakeholders, problem solving, and problem defining can reduce conflict and produce better solutions.

Remote Facilitation in Synchronous Contexts: II

Facilitators of synchronous distributed meetings — meetings that occur in real time, via telephone or video — encounter problems that facilitators of face-to-face meetings do not. Here's Part II of a little catalog of those problems, and some suggestions for addressing them.

How to Find Lessons to Learn

When we conduct Lessons Learned sessions, how can we ensure that we find all the important lessons to be learned? Here's one method.

High Falutin' Goofy Talk: II

Speech and writing at work are sometimes little more than high falutin' goofy talk, filled with puff phrases of unknown meaning and pretentious, tired images. Here's Part II of a collection of phrases and images to avoid.

See also Personal, Team, and Organizational Effectiveness and Problem Solving and Creativity for more related articles.

Forthcoming issues of Point Lookout

Coming October 5: Downscoping Under Pressure: I

When projects overrun their budgets and/or schedules, we sometimes "downscope" to save time and money. The tactic can succeed — and fail. Three common anti-patterns involve politics, the sunk cost effect, and cognitive biases that distort estimates. Available here and by RSS on October 5.

And on October 12: Downscoping Under Pressure: II

We sometimes "downscope" projects to bring them back on budget and schedule when they're headed for overruns. Downscoping doesn't always work. Cognitive biases like the sunk cost effect and confirmation bias can distort decisions about how to downscope. Available here and by RSS on October 12.

Coaching services

I offer email and telephone coaching at both corporate and individual rates. Contact Rick for details at rbrendbTtLLSVlUPPCNkAner@ChacthFxWKdRwnLylOCDoCanyon.com or (650) 787-6475, or toll-free in the continental US at (866) 378-5470.

Get the ebook!

Past issues of Point Lookout are available in six ebooks:

• Get 2001-2 in Geese Don't Land on Twigs (PDF, )
• Get 2003-4 in Why Dogs Wag (PDF, )
• Get 2005-6 in Loopy Things We Do (PDF, )
• Get 2007-8 in Things We Believe That Maybe Aren't So True (PDF, )
• Get 2009-10 in The Questions Not Asked (PDF, )
• Get all of the first twelve years (2001-2012) in The Collected Issues of Point Lookout (PDF, )

Are you a writer, editor or publisher on deadline? Are you looking for an article that will get people talking and get compliments flying your way? You can have 500-1000 words in your inbox in one hour. License any article from this Web site. More info