The force of Evan's voice brought Doug back from his reverie, and mentally he played back Evan's last words. They were: "What do I have to say to get through to you people?" The meeting was now completely silent. Not everyone was as self-assured as Doug, who was now certain that some were actually frightened.
Some clichés
are both painful
to hear and
very easy to say'Sure enough,' Doug thought, 'he's lost it again.'
Evan has employed phrasing we've heard many times, beginning in childhood. It's an example of what I call a hurtful cliché — a phrase or construct that hurts, but which is also so common that we use it without thinking.
We have dozens of hurtful clichés. Not only are they painful to hear, but they also harm the speaker by threatening conversational cooperation. Here's a little catalog of some of the more common hurtful clichés. See "Hurtful Clichés: II," Point Lookout for July 27, 2005, for more.
Did it ever occur to you that X? | Heard as: You idiot — if you thought about it for even a second you would have realized X. | Instead of disparaging the listener, try stating your belief about X directly. | ||
Didn't you hear what I just said? | ![]() | This question is usually rhetorical. Instead, try inquiring about the listener's views. You might learn something that would help you find convergence. | ||
What were you thinking? | Heard as: If you don't see things the way I do, you're a brainless fool! | Another rhetorical question. If you really care about the listener's perspective, just ask, "How do you view this situation?" Or give information about yourself: "I look at things a little differently — I see X." Or if it's obvious a mistake was made, how about a simple, "Oops." | ||
What part of X wasn't clear? | Also: What part of X didn't you understand? | Heard as: You're an idiot. | Here, X is usually monosyllabic, like "No." This was funny for the first month or two that it went around the world. Now it's just abusive. | Usually, this question isn't actually seeking information. Better to be silent. |
Hey, cool your jets. | Also: Hey chill; Settle down, now; Relax | Heard as: You're out of control. | Some clichés sting but we use them so often that we forget how much they hurtEducating others about stress management might be OK if they come to you seeking such advice. Otherwise, it can seem patronizing and offensive. | Instead, try modeling serenity yourself. It's contagious. |
Anybody have a problem with that? | Heard as: I dare you to disagree. | Only the foolhardy or those feeling powerful would respond in the affirmative. This inquiry can be restated in a less intimidating style: "Is everyone OK with that?" |
If you make a collection of hurtful clichés you use yourself, you'll use them less often — if you have half a brain, that is. Er, uh, I mean, collecting them makes you more aware of them, and if you're more aware, you're less likely to use them. Sorry about that. Next issue in this series
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Are you fed up with tense, explosive meetings? Are you or a colleague the target of a bully? Destructive conflict can ruin organizations. But if we believe that all conflict is destructive, and that we can somehow eliminate conflict, or that conflict is an enemy of productivity, then we're in conflict with Conflict itself. Read 101 Tips for Managing Conflict to learn how to make peace with conflict and make it an organizational asset. Order Now!
We sometimes use clichés as a means of achieving indirectness; indeed, that's one reason why phrases become clichés. For more on indirectness see "The True Costs of Indirectness," Point Lookout for November 29, 2006.
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Related articles
More articles on Workplace Bullying:
Dealing with Rapid-Fire Attacks
- When a questioner repeatedly attacks someone within seconds of their starting to reply, complaining
to management about a pattern of abuse can work — if management understands abuse, and if management
wants deal with it. What if management is no help?
Seventeen Guidelines About Workplace Bullying
- Bullying is a complex social pattern. Thinking clearly about bullying is difficult in the moment because
our emotions can distract us. Here are some short insights about bullying that are easy to remember
in the moment.
Unrecognized Bullying: II
- Much workplace bullying goes unrecognized because of cognitive biases that can cause targets, bystanders,
perpetrators, and supervisors of perpetrators not to notice bullying. Confirmation bias is one such
cognitive bias.
Even "Isolated Incidents" Can Be Bullying
- Many organizations have anti-bullying policies that address only repeated patterns of interpersonal
aggression. Such definitions expose the organization and its people to the harmful effects of "isolated
incidents" of interpersonal aggression, because even isolated incidents can be bullying.
On Gratuitous Harshness
- Rejecting with gratuitous harshness the contributions of others can be an expensive pattern to tolerate
— or to indulge. Understanding how the costs arise and what factors exacerbate them is the first
step to controlling the pattern.
See also Workplace Bullying for more related articles.
Forthcoming issues of Point Lookout
Coming August 13: Leaving High-Touch Jobs: How
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And on August 20: Earned Value and Goodhart's Law
- Earned Value Management, widely used approach to project management, is most useful in contexts in which estimators are familiar with the Tasks, the Technologies, and the Teams. But even then, it is vulnerable to the tactics of those who game the metrics. Available here and by RSS on August 20.
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