I like hugs — with certain people, that is. Some I hug, some I don't. Hugs are very different from handshakes, about which most of us are much less choosy. The most seriously unwelcome hug — the inappropriate groping hug — is a topic of its own, now covered by legal prohibitions in the U.S. and elsewhere. For those hugs, the best solution is the formal grievance: first with your company, but if necessary, with the courts.
For those situations not covered by law, what can we do? Here are some insights for dealing with the more "routine" unwelcome hugs.
- Put out your hand a little early
- Rejecting a hug after the other person has stepped forward, arms out, can be embarrassing for both of you. Witnesses almost inevitably wonder, "What's up with that?"
- If you extend your hand for a handshake, before that forward step, you avoid the rejection gesture. If someone insists on hugging after you've extended your hand, most witnesses will understand that you are the aggrieved party.
- Insisting on a hug can be risky
- When you want to hug, but the other person extends a hand for a handshake, insisting on the hug can create an incident of note, and you might seem to have overstepped.
- Instead, shake hands. If you have a talent for humor, and you've mastered the impish smile, you can try, "Gosh, I was hoping for a hug — but maybe someday…" Often, this will bring a smile to your partner's face, and the hug will follow. Try this only once, though — it isn't funny a second time. After that first time, the hug-or-handshake decision is up to your partner.
- Selectivity can be awkward
- Rejecting a hug after
the other person has
stepped forward, arms
out, can be embarrassing
for both of you
- In a small group, when the hugs begin, it's OK to be selective, in two cases. It's generally acceptable not to hug someone you see very often, and it's acceptable not to hug someone you don't know well. If you select on some other basis, the people you don't hug could take minor offense.
- One workable tactic: refrain from hugging anyone in the group.
- The sideways hug might not be a way out
- Some people feel that a way to avoid the standard professional hug is the "sideways hug," in which the two partners face almost the same direction with their partner-side arms around each other's backs.
- This might look OK to observers, but unless your partner is also avoiding the standard professional hug, he or she could experience a feeling of "not getting the real thing." Except for photographs or video, avoid the sideways hug; it doesn't accomplish what you were hoping for.
You might have someone in your work life who expects to hug you and be hugged, despite your preference for a less demonstrative greeting. Before you file a grievance, ask yourself if you've clearly expressed your preference. If not, that's step one. First in this series Top Next Issue
Is every other day a tense, anxious, angry misery as you watch people around you, who couldn't even think their way through a game of Jacks, win at workplace politics and steal the credit and glory for just about everyone's best work including yours? Read 303 Secrets of Workplace Politics, filled with tips and techniques for succeeding in workplace politics. More info
For more about workplace hugging, see "About Workplace Hugs," Point Lookout for August 1, 2007.
Your comments are welcomeWould you like to see your comments posted here? rbrenmhXARWRMUvVyOdHlner@ChacxgDmtwOKrxnripPCoCanyon.comSend me your comments by email, or by Web form.
About Point Lookout
Thank you for reading this article. I hope you enjoyed it and found it useful, and that you'll consider recommending it to a friend.
Support Point Lookout by joining the Friends of Point Lookout, as an individual or as an organization.
Do you face a complex interpersonal situation? Send it in, anonymously if you like, and I'll give you my two cents.
More articles on Workplace Politics:
- The Costs of Threats
- Threatening as a way of influencing others might work in the short term. But a pattern of using threats
to gain compliance has long-term effects that can undermine your own efforts, corrode your relationships,
and create an atmosphere of fear.
- When Your Boss Conveys Misinformation
- When your boss misspeaks — innocently, as opposed to deviously — what should you do? Corrections
are not always welcome, but failing to offer corrections can be equally dangerous. How can you tell
what to do?
- Social Entry Strategies: II
- When we first engage with a group at work, we employ social entry strategies to make places for ourselves
to carry out our responsibilities, and to find enjoyment and fulfillment at work. Here's Part II of
a little catalog of social entry strategies.
- The Perils of Limited Agreement
- When a group member agrees to a proposal, even with conditions, the group can move forward. Such agreement
is constructive, but there are risks. What are those risks and what can we do about them?
- Power Affect
- Expressing one's organizational power to others is essential to maintaining it. Expressing power one
does not yet have is just as useful in attaining it.
Forthcoming issues of Point Lookout
- Coming July 24: The Stupidity Attribution Error
- In workplace debates, we sometimes conclude erroneously that only stupidity can explain why our debate partners fail to grasp the elegance or importance of our arguments. There are many other possibilities. Available here and by RSS on July 24.
- And on July 31: More Things I've Learned Along the Way: IV
- When I have an important insight, or when I'm taught a lesson, I write it down. Here's Part IV from my personal collection. Available here and by RSS on July 31.
I offer email and telephone coaching at both corporate and individual rates. Contact Rick for details at rbrenmhXARWRMUvVyOdHlner@ChacxgDmtwOKrxnripPCoCanyon.com or (650) 787-6475, or toll-free in the continental US at (866) 378-5470.
Get the ebook!
Past issues of Point Lookout are available in six ebooks:
- Get 2001-2 in Geese Don't Land on Twigs (PDF, USD 11.95)
- Get 2003-4 in Why Dogs Wag (PDF, USD 11.95)
- Get 2005-6 in Loopy Things We Do (PDF, USD 11.95)
- Get 2007-8 in Things We Believe That Maybe Aren't So True (PDF, USD 11.95)
- Get 2009-10 in The Questions Not Asked (PDF, USD 11.95)
- Get all of the first twelve years (2001-2012) in The Collected Issues of Point Lookout (PDF, USD 28.99)
Are you a writer, editor or publisher on deadline? Are you looking for an article that will get people talking and get compliments flying your way? You can have 500 words in your inbox in one hour. License any article from this Web site. More info
- The Race to the South Pole: Lessons in Leadership
- On 14 December 1911, four men led by Roald Amundsen reached
the South Pole. Thirty-five days later, Robert F. Scott and four others followed. Amundsen had won the
race to the pole. Amundsen's party returned to base on 26 January 1912. Scott's party perished. As historical
drama, why this happened is interesting enough. But to organizational leaders, business analysts, project
sponsors, and project managers, the story is fascinating. We'll use the history of this event to explore
lessons in leadership and its application to organizational efforts. A fascinating and refreshing look
at leadership from the vantage point of history. Read
more about this program. Here's a date for this program:
- Baldwin-Wallace University, 275 Eastland Road, Berea, Ohio
44017: November 7,
Kerzner Lecture Series/International Project Management Day, sponsored by Baldwin Wallace University and the Northeast Ohio Chapter of the Project Management Institute.
- Baldwin-Wallace University, 275 Eastland Road, Berea, Ohio 44017: November 7, Kerzner Lecture Series/International Project Management Day, sponsored by Baldwin Wallace University and the Northeast Ohio Chapter of the Project Management Institute. Register now.
- The Power Affect: How We Express Our Personal Power
- Many people who possess real organizational power have a characteristic demeanor. It's the way they project their presence. I call this the power affect. Some people — call them power pretenders — adopt the power affect well before they attain significant organizational power. Unfortunately for their colleagues, and for their organizations, power pretenders can attain organizational power out of proportion to their merit or abilities. Understanding the power affect is therefore important for anyone who aims to attain power, or anyone who works with power pretenders. Read more about this program.
Beware any resource that speaks of "winning" at workplace politics or "defeating" it. You can benefit or not, but there is no score-keeping, and it isn't a game.