
A hug about to happen. Note the cues indicating an impending hug: the steps forward, the arms open, and the smiles. In person, you would also notice motion. Although this is not a professional hug, the hug cues are the same, though in this case — the reunion of a soldier and his wife — perhaps a bit more noticeable. Photo by Staff Sgt. Phillip Butterfield, courtesy U.S. Air Force.
I like hugs — with certain people, that is. Some I hug, some I don't. Hugs are very different from handshakes, about which most of us are much less choosy. The most seriously unwelcome hug — the inappropriate groping hug — is a topic of its own, now covered by legal prohibitions in the U.S. and elsewhere. For those hugs, the best solution is the formal grievance: first with your company, but if necessary, with the courts.
For those situations not covered by law, what can we do? Here are some insights for dealing with the more "routine" unwelcome hugs.
- Put out your hand a little early
- Rejecting a hug after the other person has stepped forward, arms out, can be embarrassing for both of you. Witnesses almost inevitably wonder, "What's up with that?"
- If you extend your hand for a handshake, before that forward step, you avoid the rejection gesture. If someone insists on hugging after you've extended your hand, most witnesses will understand that you are the aggrieved party.
- Insisting on a hug can be risky
- When you want to hug, but the other person extends a hand for a handshake, insisting on the hug can create an incident of note, and you might seem to have overstepped.
- Instead, shake hands. If you have a talent for humor, and you've mastered the impish smile, you can try, "Gosh, I was hoping for a hug — but maybe someday…" Often, this will bring a smile to your partner's face, and the hug will follow. Try this only once, though — it isn't funny a second time. After that first time, the hug-or-handshake decision is up to your partner.
- Selectivity can be awkward
- Rejecting a hug after
the other person has
stepped forward, arms
out, can be embarrassing
for both of you - In a small group, when the hugs begin, it's OK to be selective, in two cases. It's generally acceptable not to hug someone you see very often, and it's acceptable not to hug someone you don't know well. If you select on some other basis, the people you don't hug could take minor offense.
- One workable tactic: refrain from hugging anyone in the group.
- The sideways hug might not be a way out
- Some people feel that a way to avoid the standard professional hug is the "sideways hug," in which the two partners face almost the same direction with their partner-side arms around each other's backs.
- This might look OK to observers, but unless your partner is also avoiding the standard professional hug, he or she could experience a feeling of "not getting the real thing." Except for photographs or video, avoid the sideways hug; it doesn't accomplish what you were hoping for.
You might have someone in your work life who expects to hug you and be hugged, despite your preference for a less demonstrative greeting. Before you file a grievance, ask yourself if you've clearly expressed your preference. If not, that's step one. First issue in this series
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For more about workplace hugging, see "About Workplace Hugs," Point Lookout for August 1, 2007.
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Related articles
More articles on Workplace Politics:
Telephonic Deceptions: I
- People have been deceiving each other at work since the invention of work. Nowadays, with telephones
ever-present, telephonic deceptions are becoming more creative. Here's Part I of a handy guide for telephonic
self-defense.
When the Answer Isn't the Point: I
- When we ask each other questions, the answers aren't always what we seek. Sometimes the behavior of
the respondent is what matters. Here are some techniques questioners use when the answer to the question
wasn't the point of asking.
I Don't Understand: II
- Unclear, incomplete, or ambiguous statements are problematic, in part, because we need to seek clarification.
How can we do that without seeming to be hostile, threatening, or disrespectful?
When Your Boss Leaves Before You Do
- At some point in your career, your supervisor will leave his or her position and you'll end up reporting
to someone else. It can be a harrowing experience, even if you prepare. Nevertheless, preparation usually
produces a better outcome than winging it.
Devious Political Tactics: Bad Decisions
- When workplace politics influences the exchanges that lead to important organizational decisions, we
sometimes make decisions for reasons other than the best interests of the organization. Recognizing
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See also Workplace Politics for more related articles.
Forthcoming issues of Point Lookout
Coming July 16: Responding to Unwelcome Events
- Unwelcome events have two kinds of effects on decision-makers. One set of effects appears as we respond to events that have actually occurred. Another set manifests itself as we prepare for unwelcome events that haven't yet occurred, but which might occur. Making a wrong decision in either case can be costly. Available here and by RSS on July 16.
And on July 23: Microdelegation
- Microdelegation is a style of delegation in which the delegator unintentionally communicates the task to the subordinate in such detail and so repetitively that the subordinate is offended. As a result of this delegation style, many subordinates feel distrusted or suspected of fraud or goldbricking. Available here and by RSS on July 23.
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Beware any resource that speaks of "winning" at workplace politics or "defeating" it. You can benefit or not, but there is no score-keeping, and it isn't a game.
- Wikipedia has a nice article with a list of additional resources
- Some public libraries offer collections. Here's an example from Saskatoon.
- Check my own links collection
- LinkedIn's Office Politics discussion group