How to Prepare for Difficult Conversations

Imagine winning a million in the lottery, and telling somebody about it. That would be fun, I suspect. Or imagine returning from a space voyage, having visited strange new worlds, and telling someone about that. No problem there either.

Now imagine having a heart-to-heart conversation with someone at work with whom you have a troubled relationship. Imagine telling him or her about what you find troubling. Now that's a bit trickier.

For most of us, even imagining that scene is painful.

As you imagined it, what did you notice in yourself? Did you feel warm? Did you feel your muscles tighten? Did your heart rate increase? Did you feel hungry, or nauseous, or did you want to get up and walk around, or maybe talk with a friend?

If you noticed any of these things, or anything similar, you can relax. Take a breath. That conversation didn't really happen. You're fine.

Even though you were only imagining the conversation, look at what happened! In a real conversation you might be even more aware of your reactions.

Reactions to these situations can complicate the task of getting through them. Here are some of the advantages of knowing your reactions and knowing how to manage them.

• We can think about some difficult options, and make clearer assessments of those options.
• We can choose to consider some options even though they're unpleasant.
• We can generate insights and ideas that are more likely to surface while we're considering uncomfortable options.
• We can rehearse tactics for difficult interactions.
• We're more likely to enter these situations prepared, because preparation itself becomes easier.

Reactions to difficult
conversations can complicate
the task of getting
through themKnowing how we react to difficult conversations, and knowing how to manage our reactions, can thus be very helpful. Here are some tips for contemplating difficult conversations.

• Choose a safe and comfortable place.
• Breathe.
• Notice your breathing from time to time and keep it clear and steady.
• Imagine the conversation in detail. Where it is, what's in the room, what the lighting is like, what your partner looks like, how your voices sound.
• Tell yourself that you can stop any time you want.
• Actually stop, just to practice stopping, or if your imagining gets too difficult.
• Imagine the situation more than once. Notice similarities and differences between different imaginings.
• When you re-imagine the conversation, recall past imaginings. Keep what fits, and discard what doesn't.
• To make it a little more realistic, when you're ready, invite a buddy to sit with you or nearby or on call by phone while you practice.

When you finally have the difficult conversation, remember that the problems between you are probably not yours alone. Other people are almost always involved in any difficulty between two. Maybe the two of you can work that part out together. That collaboration can help bring you closer.  Top    Next Issue

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In the learning context, self-explanation is the act of explaining to oneself what one is learning. Self-explanation has been shown to increase the rate of acquiring mastery. The mystery is why we don't structure knowledge work to exploit this phenomenon. Available here and by RSS on April 28.

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