
Mutual respect between a soldier and a military canine. And maybe something a little more than that.
Mutual professional respect among colleagues is essential for groups or teams whose work entails collaboration. When the fabric of respect is stretched or tattered, collaboration becomes difficult or impossible. Although mutual respect between two people is inherently bidirectional, when it breaks down, it might break largely in one direction. That is, Alpha (the disrespected), might still respect Beta (the disrespector) even though Beta no longer respects Alpha. Here are some tactics to use if you sense that a colleague has lost respect for you.
- Check for alternative explanations
- If you believe you've lost someone's respect, that's information, but is it correct? What have you seen or heard that led you to this conclusion? If Beta actually said, "I've lost professional respect for you," that's one thing, but if you base your conclusion on, say, not having received an invitation to the last meeting, that's a much less sturdy foundation for any conclusion.
- Conclusions based on data aren't data. Separate data you have from conclusions you've reached. For each conclusion, find two other hypotheses that explain the data. For example, if you weren't invited to a meeting, is it possible that the invitation was sent but not received? If you can find other explanations for your observations, perhaps you haven't lost Beta's respect after all.
- Check whether it's about you
- Professional rivalry — impersonal rivalry between entire professions — can manifest itself as personal rivalry between members of the rival Before concluding that
you've lost someone's
respect, think carefully. Not
everything is about you.professions. If Beta seems dismissive of Alpha's views, or if Beta systematically limits Alpha's participation, and if they are of different professions, or represent different organizations, professional rivalry might be afoot. - Before concluding that you've lost someone's respect, check for professional rivalry. Maybe what you've observed isn't about you.
- Ask for a dialog
- If you haven't found an alternative explanation for Beta's behavior, consider initiating a dialog with Beta. If you know that your own behavior precipitated the problem, and an apology is in order, ask Beta for permission to apologize. If you know of no transgression on your part, apologizing isn't an option. Instead, explain to Beta that you've sensed that there might be a problem, and ask for an opportunity to learn what it might be, if there is a problem.
- A true dialog is a one-on-one conversation. The presence of witnesses in earshot creates a venue for a performance, or worse, a debate. Dialogs are more likely to generate positive outcomes than are performances and debates. If Beta doesn't want to participate in a dialog, alternative explanations for your observations are more likely. Search again.
Always remember that you cannot change someone else's mind. Only that mind's owner can change that mind. What you can do is create conditions that help the mind's owner to change. Be respectful of others, and, more important, be respectful of yourself. Top
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Related articles
More articles on Emotions at Work:
The Slippery Slope That Isn't
- "If we promote you, we'll have to promote all of them, too." This "slippery-slope"
tactic for winning debates works by exploiting our fears. Another in a series about rhetorical tricks
that push our buttons.
Irrational Self-Interest
- When we try to influence others, especially large groups or entire companies, we sometimes create packages
of incentives and disincentives that are intended to affect behavior. These strategies usually assume
that people make choices on rational grounds. Is this assumption valid?
What Enough to Do Is Like
- Most of us have had way too much to do for so long that "too much to do" has become the new
normal. We've forgotten what "enough to do" feels like. Here are some reminders.
Ego Depletion: An Introduction
- Ego depletion is a recently discovered phenomenon that limits our ability to regulate our own behavior.
It explains such seemingly unrelated phenomena as marketing campaign effectiveness, toxic conflict contagion,
and difficulty losing weight.
Workplace Remorse
- Remorse is an unpleasant emotion. But it need not be something we suppress or avoid. It can provide
a path to a positive learning experience that adds meaning to life.
See also Emotions at Work and Conflict Management for more related articles.
Forthcoming issues of Point Lookout
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And on June 8: Flexible Queue Management
- In meetings of 5-30 participants, managing the queue of contributors can be challenging. A strict first-in-first-out order can cause confusion and waste of time if important contributions are delayed. Some meetings need more flexible queue management. Available here and by RSS on June 8.
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