Regaining Respect from Others

Mutual professional respect among colleagues is essential for groups or teams whose work entails collaboration. When the fabric of respect is stretched or tattered, collaboration becomes difficult or impossible. Although mutual respect between two people is inherently bidirectional, when it breaks down, it might break largely in one direction. That is, Alpha (the disrespected), might still respect Beta (the disrespector) even though Beta no longer respects Alpha. Here are some tactics to use if you sense that a colleague has lost respect for you.

Check for alternative explanations

If you believe you've lost someone's respect, that's information, but is it correct? What have you seen or heard that led you to this conclusion? If Beta actually said, "I've lost professional respect for you," that's one thing, but if you base your conclusion on, say, not having received an invitation to the last meeting, that's a much less sturdy foundation for any conclusion.

Conclusions based on data aren't data. Separate data you have from conclusions you've reached. For each conclusion, find two other hypotheses that explain the data. For example, if you weren't invited to a meeting, is it possible that the invitation was sent but not received? If you can find other explanations for your observations, perhaps you haven't lost Beta's respect after all.

Check whether it's about you

Professional rivalry — impersonal rivalry between entire professions — can manifest itself as personal rivalry between members of the rival Before concluding that
you've lost someone's
respect, think carefully. Not
everything is about you.professions. If Beta seems dismissive of Alpha's views, or if Beta systematically limits Alpha's participation, and if they are of different professions, or represent different organizations, professional rivalry might be afoot.

Before concluding that you've lost someone's respect, check for professional rivalry. Maybe what you've observed isn't about you.

Ask for a dialog

If you haven't found an alternative explanation for Beta's behavior, consider initiating a dialog with Beta. If you know that your own behavior precipitated the problem, and an apology is in order, ask Beta for permission to apologize. If you know of no transgression on your part, apologizing isn't an option. Instead, explain to Beta that you've sensed that there might be a problem, and ask for an opportunity to learn what it might be, if there is a problem.

A true dialog is a one-on-one conversation. The presence of witnesses in earshot creates a venue for a performance, or worse, a debate. Dialogs are more likely to generate positive outcomes than are performances and debates. If Beta doesn't want to participate in a dialog, alternative explanations for your observations are more likely. Search again.

Always remember that you cannot change someone else's mind. Only that mind's owner can change that mind. What you can do is create conditions that help the mind's owner to change. Be respectful of others, and, more important, be respectful of yourself.  Top    Next Issue

Is every other day a tense, anxious, angry misery as you watch people around you, who couldn't even think their way through a game of Jacks, win at workplace politics and steal the credit and glory for just about everyone's best work including yours? Read 303 Secrets of Workplace Politics, filled with tips and techniques for succeeding in workplace politics. More info

Your comments are welcome

About Point Lookout

Thank you for reading this article. I hope you enjoyed it and found it useful, and that you'll consider recommending it to a friend.

Point Lookout is a free weekly email newsletter. Browse the archive of past issues. Subscribe for free.

Support Point Lookout by joining the Friends of Point Lookout, as an individual or as an organization.

Do you face a complex interpersonal situation? Send it in, anonymously if you like, and I'll give you my two cents.

Related articles

More articles on Emotions at Work:

Ethical Influence: II

When we influence others as they're making tough decisions, it's easy to enter a gray area. How can we be certain that our influence isn't manipulation? How can we influence others ethically?

What Enough to Do Is Like

Most of us have had way too much to do for so long that "too much to do" has become the new normal. We've forgotten what "enough to do" feels like. Here are some reminders.

Coercion by Presupposition

Coercion, physical or psychological, has no place in the workplace. Yet we see it and experience it frequently. We can end the use of presupposition as a tool of coercion, but only if we take personal responsibility for ending it.

Toxic Conflict in Virtual Teams: Dissociative Anonymity

Toxic conflict in teams disrupts relationships and interferes with (or prevents) accomplishment of the team's goals. It's difficult enough to manage toxic conflict in co-located teams, but in virtual teams, dissociative anonymity causes toxic conflict to be both more easily triggered and more difficult to resolve.

Getting Value from Involuntary Seminars

Whatever your organizational role, from time to time you might find yourself attending seminars or presentations involuntarily. The value you derive from these "opportunities" depends as much on you as on the presenter.

See also Emotions at Work and Conflict Management for more related articles.

Forthcoming issues of Point Lookout

Coming February 8: Kerfuffles That Seem Like Something More

Much of what we regard as political conflict is a series of squabbles commonly called kerfuffles. They captivate us while they're underway, but after a month or two they're forgotten. Why do they happen? Why do they persist? Available here and by RSS on February 8.

And on February 15: Four Razors for Organizational Behavior

Deviant organizational behavior can harm the people and the organization. In choosing responses, we consider what drives the perpetrators. Considering Malice, Incompetence, Ignorance, and Greed, we can devise four guidelines for making these choices. Available here and by RSS on February 15.

Coaching services

I offer email and telephone coaching at both corporate and individual rates. Contact Rick for details at rbrenZLkFdSHmlHvCaSsuner@ChacbnsTPttsdDaRAswloCanyon.com or (650) 787-6475, or toll-free in the continental US at (866) 378-5470.

Get the ebook!

Past issues of Point Lookout are available in six ebooks:

• Get 2001-2 in Geese Don't Land on Twigs (PDF, )
• Get 2003-4 in Why Dogs Wag (PDF, )
• Get 2005-6 in Loopy Things We Do (PDF, )
• Get 2007-8 in Things We Believe That Maybe Aren't So True (PDF, )
• Get 2009-10 in The Questions Not Asked (PDF, )
• Get all of the first twelve years (2001-2012) in The Collected Issues of Point Lookout (PDF, )

Are you a writer, editor or publisher on deadline? Are you looking for an article that will get people talking and get compliments flying your way? You can have 500-1000 words in your inbox in one hour. License any article from this Web site. More info