How to Listen to Someone Who's Dead Wrong

Listening to someone spout opinions or "facts" we view as dead wrong can be frustrating, draining, and sometimes angrifying. Things can get so bad that we can barely resist interrupting. When this happens in situations that have no long-term impact, we can usually maintain enough self-control to keep quiet and let the spouter spout.

But self-control isn't so easy when there are serious consequences for projects and people we care about. At work, losing control can be damaging. Here are some thoughts to keep in mind for a little more self-control.

Maybe "dead wrong" is dead wrong

Even though you feel you know your partner's viewpoint, you might not actually know, or you might have misunderstood.

If you've discussed the issue in the past, remember: something might have changed since the two of you last spoke. Listen up.

Listen to both person and viewpoint

Some people focus entirely (or nearly so) on the viewpoint, ignoring the person expressing the viewpoint. Others focus on their objections to the person, and cannot hear the person's viewpoint.

Both person and viewpoint are important. In some situations, you can't appreciate one without the other.

Challenge your own views

Try to agree by changing your own views. Find something in what's being said that you almost agree with. Make it more agreeable by changing something in your own views.

Offer what you found to your partner. If your two views converge a little, opportunities for more convergence might come into view.

Wait to be asked

Your partner is more likely to listen to your views if you wait for your partner to ask for your views.

Ceding space and time to your partner gives him or her a chance to realize that you haven't been talking. That realization might create curiosity about your views.

You might want to be heard

In most People are more likely to
listen to you if they feel that
you've listened to themknowledge-oriented workplaces, even when we can speak and express our views, we can't compel listeners to actually pay attention and take us seriously.

People are more likely to listen to you if they feel that you've listened to them. Listening is your chance to earn the right to be heard.

The more you know the better

Listening to your partner — really listening — is the only way to fully grasp your partner's viewpoint and understand why it matters to him or her.

To influence your partner, or anyone who holds you partner's viewpoint, begin by understanding your partner's viewpoint. You'll be far more effective if your first attempt to persuade is very solid than you would be if you must patch up your case after someone knocks a few holes in it.

Most important, when other people are present, one of them might be better able than you to move the conversation from conflict to consensus. Listening, and pausing, makes space for others.  Top    Next Issue

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Forthcoming issues of Point Lookout

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Some of our decisions don't turn out well. The nature of our errors does vary, but a common class of errors is due to applying concepts from physics originated by Isaac Newton. One of these is the concept of spectrum. Available here and by RSS on May 29.

And on June 5: I Could Be Wrong About That

Before we make joint decisions at work, we usually debate the options. We come together to share views, and then a debate ensues. Some of these debates turn out well, but too many do not. Allowing for the fact that "I could be wrong" improves outcomes. Available here and by RSS on June 5.

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