On Differences and Disagreements

Usually, there's more than one way to convert disagreement into agreement. Choosing one can be tricky, though, because we so rarely appreciate all of what separates us or what distinguishes our views. Here's a collection of insights that might help find a path from disagreement to agreement.

• If I don't think I can explain it to a child, maybe I don't fully understand it.
• If it's urgent, go slow.
• Accountability and blame are two very different things.
• The problem is not the problem. The coping is the problem. — Virginia Satir
• Questions are usually just questions. Even when they're counter-arguments in disguise, they're still opportunities for giving great answers.
• When people I work with closely get into tangles, I'm probably involved in at least a minor way. Minor might still be significant.
• In tangles, everyone has a role. Being a spectator is a role.
• The person we all acknowledge as being involved in the trouble is only the person we're all willing to acknowledge. There are certainly others.
• We probably aren't the first people in the world to get into this particular fix.
• Our differences in this situation might contain echoes of our differences in another situation. Maybe one key to this situation lies in the other one. Unlocking this one might require more than one key.
• Although there are some people at work who are actually trying to harm others, they are so rare that I probably don't know anyone like that.
• The number of people who hold a particular belief isn't an indication of the correctness of that belief.
• When I say something I later regret, I'm usually repeating a previous error.
• For resolving differences, face-to-face is best. Phone-to-phone is next best. Voicemail is nuts. Anything involving a keyboard is totally nuts.
• Nobody has an accurate view of everything. I might be mistaken on this.
• There is almost always more than one way out.
• When I think there is only one way out, I probably haven't thought about it enough.
• When I Differences and disagreements
  are the doorways to growththink I've thought about it enough, and I still don't have a way out, I'm probably just tired. I take a break and try again later.
• If I think I don't know what I want, maybe going for what I really want is too scary.
• I can consider what to do about an unpleasant possibility without accepting that unpleasant possibility as inevitable.
• I can't actually unsee what I've seen.
• I can see in new ways things I've already seen in old ways.
• I can see for the first time things I've never seen before.
• I can see something for the first time only once.
• I can't unlearn what I've learned, but I can learn what I haven't yet learned.
• When somebody else seems to be trying mightily to make things worse, maybe I don't fully grasp what he or she is trying to accomplish.

This collection is a work in progress. rbrendoNbafGCbjKfEnwqner@ChacBVzZPKjKAjbXcAEhoCanyon.comSend me yours. I'm always interested.  Top    Next Issue

Are you fed up with tense, explosive meetings? Are you or a colleague the target of a bully? Destructive conflict can ruin organizations. But if we believe that all conflict is destructive, and that we can somehow eliminate conflict, or that conflict is an enemy of productivity, then we're in conflict with Conflict itself. Read 101 Tips for Managing Conflict to learn how to make peace with conflict and make it an organizational asset. Order Now!

Your comments are welcome

About Point Lookout

Thank you for reading this article. I hope you enjoyed it and found it useful, and that you'll consider recommending it to a friend.

Point Lookout is a free weekly email newsletter. Browse the archive of past issues. Subscribe for free.

Support Point Lookout by joining the Friends of Point Lookout, as an individual or as an organization.

Do you face a complex interpersonal situation? Send it in, anonymously if you like, and I'll give you my two cents.

Related articles

More articles on Conflict Management:

Hurtful Clichés: I

Much of our day-to-day conversation consists of harmless clichés: "How goes it?" or "Nice to meet you." Some other clichés aren't harmless, but they're so common that we use them without thinking. Maybe it's time for some thought.

Logically Illogical

Discussions in meetings and in written media can get long and complex. When a chain of reasoning gets long enough, we sometimes make fundamental errors of logic, especially when we're under time pressure. Here are just a few.

A Critique of Criticism: I

Whether we call it "criticism" or "feedback," the receiver can sometimes experience pain, even when the giver didn't intend harm. How does this happen? What can givers of feedback do to increase the chance that the receiver hears the giver's message without experiencing pain?

So You Want the Bullying to End: I

If you're the target of a workplace bully, you probably want the bullying to end. If you've ever been the target of a workplace bully, you probably remember wanting it to end. But how it ends can be more important than whether or when it ends.

Compulsive Talkers at Work: Peers II

Our exploration of approaches for dealing with compulsive talkers now concludes, with Part II of a set of suggestions for what to do when peers who talk compulsively interfere with your work.

See also Conflict Management and Emotions at Work for more related articles.

Forthcoming issues of Point Lookout

Coming May 15: Entry Intimidation

Feeling intimidated about entering a new work situation can affect performance for both the new entrant and for the group as a whole. Four trouble patterns related to entry intimidation are inadvertent subversion, bullying, hat hanging, and defenses and sabotage. Available here and by RSS on May 15.

And on May 22: Newtonian Blind Alleys: I

When we decide how to allocate organizational resources, we make assumptions about how the world works. Often outside our awareness, the thinking of Sir Isaac Newton influences our assumptions. And sometimes they lead us into blind alleys. Universality is one example. Available here and by RSS on May 22.

Coaching services

I offer email and telephone coaching at both corporate and individual rates. Contact Rick for details at rbrenANUIUEKqOYiXzhoXner@ChacVKGnkbnDUhYWvdcZoCanyon.com or (650) 787-6475, or toll-free in the continental US at (866) 378-5470.

Get the ebook!

Past issues of Point Lookout are available in six ebooks:

• Get 2001-2 in Geese Don't Land on Twigs (PDF, USD 11.95)
• Get 2003-4 in Why Dogs Wag (PDF, USD 11.95)
• Get 2005-6 in Loopy Things We Do (PDF, USD 11.95)
• Get 2007-8 in Things We Believe That Maybe Aren't So True (PDF, USD 11.95)
• Get 2009-10 in The Questions Not Asked (PDF, USD 11.95)
• Get all of the first twelve years (2001-2012) in The Collected Issues of Point Lookout (PDF, USD 28.99)

Are you a writer, editor or publisher on deadline? Are you looking for an article that will get people talking and get compliments flying your way? You can have 500 words in your inbox in one hour. License any article from this Web site. More info

Public seminars

The Power Affect: How We Express Our Personal Power

Many people who possess real organizational power have a characteristic demeanor. It's the way they project their presence. I call this the power affect. Some people — call them power pretenders — adopt the power affect well before they attain significant organizational power. Unfortunately for their colleagues, and for their organizations, power pretenders can attain organizational power out of proportion to their merit or abilities. Understanding the power affect is therefore important for anyone who aims to attain power, or anyone who works with power pretenders. Read more about this program.

• A recording of a program presented 6:00 PM June 29 (Eastern Time), Monthly Webinar, Technobility Webinar Series. You can earn 1.0 Category 'A' PDU by viewing this program. View this program now.