On Differences and Disagreements

Usually, there's more than one way to convert disagreement into agreement. Choosing one can be tricky, though, because we so rarely appreciate all of what separates us or what distinguishes our views. Here's a collection of insights that might help find a path from disagreement to agreement.

• If I don't think I can explain it to a child, maybe I don't fully understand it.
• If it's urgent, go slow.
• Accountability and blame are two very different things.
• The problem is not the problem. The coping is the problem. — Virginia Satir
• Questions are usually just questions. Even when they're counter-arguments in disguise, they're still opportunities for giving great answers.
• When people I work with closely get into tangles, I'm probably involved in at least a minor way. Minor might still be significant.
• In tangles, everyone has a role. Being a spectator is a role.
• The person we all acknowledge as being involved in the trouble is only the person we're all willing to acknowledge. There are certainly others.
• We probably aren't the first people in the world to get into this particular fix.
• Our differences in this situation might contain echoes of our differences in another situation. Maybe one key to this situation lies in the other one. Unlocking this one might require more than one key.
• Although there are some people at work who are actually trying to harm others, they are so rare that I probably don't know anyone like that.
• The number of people who hold a particular belief isn't an indication of the correctness of that belief.
• When I say something I later regret, I'm usually repeating a previous error.
• For resolving differences, face-to-face is best. Phone-to-phone is next best. Voicemail is nuts. Anything involving a keyboard is totally nuts.
• Nobody has an accurate view of everything. I might be mistaken on this.
• There is almost always more than one way out.
• When I think there is only one way out, I probably haven't thought about it enough.
• When I Differences and disagreements
  are the doorways to growththink I've thought about it enough, and I still don't have a way out, I'm probably just tired. I take a break and try again later.
• If I think I don't know what I want, maybe going for what I really want is too scary.
• I can consider what to do about an unpleasant possibility without accepting that unpleasant possibility as inevitable.
• I can't actually unsee what I've seen.
• I can see in new ways things I've already seen in old ways.
• I can see for the first time things I've never seen before.
• I can see something for the first time only once.
• I can't unlearn what I've learned, but I can learn what I haven't yet learned.
• When somebody else seems to be trying mightily to make things worse, maybe I don't fully grasp what he or she is trying to accomplish.

This collection is a work in progress. rbrenaXXxGCwVgbgLZDuRner@ChacDjdMAATPdDNJnrSwoCanyon.comSend me yours. I'm always interested.  Top    Next Issue

Are you fed up with tense, explosive meetings? Are you or a colleague the target of a bully? Destructive conflict can ruin organizations. But if we believe that all conflict is destructive, and that we can somehow eliminate conflict, or that conflict is an enemy of productivity, then we're in conflict with Conflict itself. Read 101 Tips for Managing Conflict to learn how to make peace with conflict and make it an organizational asset. Order Now!

Your comments are welcome

About Point Lookout

Thank you for reading this article. I hope you enjoyed it and found it useful, and that you'll consider recommending it to a friend.

This article in its entirety was written by a human being. No machine intelligence was involved in any way.

Point Lookout is a free weekly email newsletter. Browse the archive of past issues. Subscribe for free.

Support Point Lookout by joining the Friends of Point Lookout, as an individual or as an organization.

Do you face a complex interpersonal situation? Send it in, anonymously if you like, and I'll give you my two cents.

Related articles

More articles on Conflict Management:

When You're the Target of a Bully

Workplace bullies are probably the organization's most expensive employees. They reduce the effectiveness not only of their targets, but also of bystanders and of the organization as a whole. What can you do if you become a target?

The Power of Situational Momentum

For many of us, the typical workday presents a series of opportunities to take action. We often approach these situations by choosing among the expected choices. But usually there are choices that exploit situational momentum, and they can be powerful choices indeed.

Managing Dissent Risk

In group decision making, dissent risk is the risk that dissents about important decisions will be rejected without due consideration. As a result, group decision quality can suffer, and some groups will actually eject dissenters. How can we manage dissent risk?

Bad Trouble: Coping strategies

When Bad Trouble develops at work people make choices about coping. If they cope constructively, they have choices about how to do that. Even those who don't cope constructively have choices. Here's a survey of the wide range of choices people make.

When Retrospectives Turn into Blamefests: I

An interactive group exercise known as a retrospective is widely recognized as a reliable tool for fostering organizational learning. But it can degenerate into blaming and retaliation if not conducted so as to manage the risk of toxic conflict.

See also Conflict Management for more related articles.

Forthcoming issues of Point Lookout

Coming October 1: On the Risks of Obscuring Ignorance

A common dilemma in knowledge-based organizations: ask for an explanation, or "fake it" until you can somehow figure it out. The choice between admitting your own ignorance or obscuring it can be a difficult one. It has consequences for both the choice-maker and the organization. Available here and by RSS on October 1.

And on October 8: Responding to Workplace Bullying

Effective responses to bullying sometimes include "pushback tactics" that can deter perpetrators from further bullying. Because perpetrators use some of these same tactics, some people have difficulty employing them. But the need is real. Pushing back works. Available here and by RSS on October 8.

Coaching services

I offer email and telephone coaching at both corporate and individual rates. Contact Rick for details at rbrenaXXxGCwVgbgLZDuRner@ChacDjdMAATPdDNJnrSwoCanyon.com or (650) 787-6475, or toll-free in the continental US at (866) 378-5470.

Get the ebook!

Past issues of Point Lookout are available in six ebooks:

• Get 2001-2 in Geese Don't Land on Twigs (PDF, )
• Get 2003-4 in Why Dogs Wag (PDF, )
• Get 2005-6 in Loopy Things We Do (PDF, )
• Get 2007-8 in Things We Believe That Maybe Aren't So True (PDF, )
• Get 2009-10 in The Questions Not Asked (PDF, )
• Get all of the first twelve years (2001-2012) in The Collected Issues of Point Lookout (PDF, )

Are you a writer, editor or publisher on deadline? Are you looking for an article that will get people talking and get compliments flying your way? You can have 500-1000 words in your inbox in one hour. License any article from this Web site. More info