As Liz and Alex walked across the lawn toward the review meeting in Building J, Liz realized that she had a rare opportunity — Alex was able to speak freely, if he was inclined to, without the rest of Engineering listening in. So she decided to just ask him straight out. "Alex, you know we've been trying to find out what you all want Marigold to do about Phase II. Tell me."
Alex stopped walking. Liz did too, and as she turned toward him, he said, "Phase II. You mean with the Diamond Square fixes, or without?"
"Both," she replied.
Liz has just used a tactic I call "Seek all possible answers." When you ask a question, and the respondent offers you a choice of conditions, say "Both" or "All of the above." If you choose only one, respondents sometimes slant or spin their answers, possibly without realizing it. When you choose "all," the answers all have to be consistent, which makes spinning much more difficult.
Here are three more patterns that appear frequently in everyday conversation.Mastering the patterns
of our conversations
makes you a more
Compile a catalog.
- Find a neutral way out
- When you and your partner come to an impasse, find a neutral way out. But instead of offering it, let it be discovered. Usually only a little guidance is needed, since you're both searching for an exit. For instance, if you believe that you both agreed to be ready on the 14th, and your partner insists it was the 8th, suggest that you work out a new date together instead of figuring out who was right, or even worse, continuing to insist that you were right.
- Become a master of the interview
- When you sense that your partner is making it up on the fly, don't argue — it probably won't be necessary. Instead, switch to interview mode. Since your partner's argument is probably untested, ask for more detail and examples, watching closely for holes or inconsistencies. When you find one, ask about it. This is especially effective if you can loop back to contradict an initial assertion. On the other hand, if your conjecture about fabrication is incorrect, you will have actually helped to develop a stronger position. Either way, zero risk for you.
- Use the hypothetical to get around the obstacle
- If you meet an obstacle, ask the hypothetical question: "If we could do it, how would we do it?" Then apply the response to reality: "OK, well what if we do that?" If your partner wants to preserve the obstacle, he or she must find a difference between the hypothetical and the real — a difference so compelling that the hypothetical doesn't apply. If you constructed the hypothetical cleverly, finding that difference can be very difficult, and you'll often move closer to agreement.
Patterns are everywhere, but take care — they're often violated, and you can't always tell when they are. For instance, you've probably noticed that these little essays often end with a twist. This one doesn't. Or does it? Top Next Issue
Is every other day a tense, anxious, angry misery as you watch people around you, who couldn't even think their way through a game of Jacks, win at workplace politics and steal the credit and glory for just about everyone's best work including yours? Read 303 Secrets of Workplace Politics, filled with tips and techniques for succeeding in workplace politics. More info
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More articles on Workplace Politics:
- Ten Tactics for Tough Times: I
- When you find yourself in a tough spot politically, what can you do? Most of us obsess about the situation
for a while, and then if we still have time to act, we do what seems best. Here's Part I of a set of
approaches that can organize your thinking and shorten the obsessing.
- Getting Into the Conversation
- In well-facilitated meetings, facilitators work hard to ensure that all participants have opportunities
to contribute. The story is rather different for many meetings, where getting into the conversation
can be challenging for some.
- Not Really Part of the Team: II
- When some team members hang back, declining to show initiative, we tend to overlook the possibility
that their behavior is a response to something happening within or around the team. Too often we hold
responsible the person who's hanging back. What other explanations are possible?
- Some Hazards of Skip-Level Interviews: III
- Skip-level interviews — dialogs between a subordinate and the subordinate's supervisor's supervisor
— can be hazardous. Here's Part III of a little catalog of the hazards, emphasizing subordinate-initiated
- Why We Don't Care Anymore
- As a consultant and coach I hear about what people hate about their jobs. Here's some of it. It might
help you appreciate your job.
Forthcoming issues of Point Lookout
- Coming February 1: The Big Power of Little Words
- Big, fancy words, like commensurate or obfuscation, tend to be more noticed than the little everyday words, like yet or best. That might be why the little words can be so much more powerful, steering conversations where their users want them to go. Available here and by RSS on February 1.
- And on February 8: Kerfuffles That Seem Like Something More
- Much of what we regard as political conflict is a series of squabbles commonly called kerfuffles. They captivate us while they're underway, but after a month or two they're forgotten. Why do they happen? Why do they persist? Available here and by RSS on February 8.
I offer email and telephone coaching at both corporate and individual rates. Contact Rick for details at rbrenZLkFdSHmlHvCaSsuner@ChacbnsTPttsdDaRAswloCanyon.com or (650) 787-6475, or toll-free in the continental US at (866) 378-5470.
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Beware any resource that speaks of "winning" at workplace politics or "defeating" it. You can benefit or not, but there is no score-keeping, and it isn't a game.