The Ups and Downs of American Handshakes: I

In-person business greetings vary around the world. There are nods, bows, kisses, hugs, handshakes, and many more. In the United States, the customary greeting is a handshake.

There's no one right way to shake hands. We each shake hands in our own unique ways. Wherever we learned it, our teachers are all different. Men and women are different too.

Even though we all do it differently, any culture that has a handshake custom has an "ideal" handshake, and it attaches meanings to slight deviations from the ideal. Here's Part I of some guidelines for handshakes, as the custom is practiced in business in the USA.

It's a right hand thing

Unless you have a disability, or your right hand is obviously occupied in some way, the right hand is the rule. Extending your left hand can be seen as insulting.

Prepare

If you expect to be shaking hands, keep your right hand free and remove your gloves. Having to shift items to your left hand while your partner waits can seem disrespectful to some, and might even feel embarrassing to you.

Stand

If you're seated when a handshake is imminent, rise. Some feel that this applies only to men, but that's changing, especially in the business setting. Still, in some microcultures, ladies need not stand.

Make eye contact

Shaking hands requires eye contact and attention. Not a glare or stare, but caring attention. Looking away can mean, "I don't really care about you."

Even though we all do it differently,
any culture that has a handshake
custom has an "ideal" handshake

Stand far enough away

If you're too close, your extended hand will invade your partner's personal space, which in the U.S. is about three-quarters of an arm's length.

Know who should offer first

Some women feel that courtesy demands that a man wait for a woman to extend her hand, though in business, it's now rare for women to be treated differently. The powerful — both men and women — often expect the less powerful to offer first.

Say your name

Introduce yourself, even if someone else has already done so. All you need do is say your name, beginning just before you extend your hand.

Say your partner's name

Toward the end of the handshake, say your partner's name. Speaking it will help you remember it, and demonstrates that you're paying attention and that you care. "Nice to meet you" is optional and usually welcome.

Point your thumb upward

Some people shake hands with palm pointing slightly downward. For many people, this is insulting, because it places them in a subordinate position.

If you've grown up in the United States, and you shake hands with someone who was reared elsewhere, you might notice deviations from these customs. Interpreting those deviations as if they were intended to give offense would probably be a mistake. We'll continue next time with more guidelines and deviations.  Next in this series  Top    Next Issue

Is every other day a tense, anxious, angry misery as you watch people around you, who couldn't even think their way through a game of Jacks, win at workplace politics and steal the credit and glory for just about everyone's best work including yours? Read 303 Secrets of Workplace Politics, filled with tips and techniques for succeeding in workplace politics. More info

Reader Comments

Illysa Izenberg, Lecturer, Johns Hopkins University

Many people are unaware that religiously-observant Jewish and Muslim people do not shake the hand of someone of the opposite gender (the religion of other person is not relevant — only the gender).

I've spoken with some men in sales positions who were highly insulted when they reached out to shake a woman's hand and it was not reciprocated. I've counseled them to simply say, "oops, my mistake," smile, and move on. In their own minds, they have to let it go. They can say to themselves, "very few things that other people say and do are about me" so as to learn not to take these things personally.

I've counseled the religious people to simply say to someone of the opposite gender who reaches their hand out, "I'm glad to meet you and I'm sorry I can't shake your hand." A smile and clear statement goes a long way to eliminating discomfort.

To eliminate discomfort, we all should take note of the other person's likelihood to avoid shaking hands. A woman in a head-covering or a man in a kippah are clear signs. For religiously-observant Jewish women and Muslim men, the signs may be more subtle as many of them do not wear head-coverings that are obvious. You may be able to tell by the way they are dressed or other cues.

There are no foolproof measures to ensure no one is insulted. I once asked a man whom I was meeting for the first time and who self-identified as Muslim, "shall we shake hands?", and he was annoyed I'd asked. That's okay — the next person might appreciate being asked.

Given the lack of absolutes, I think it's best to let any faux-pas go. Be clear about your own boundaries and apologize briefly if you've overstepped another person's.

Your comments are welcome

Would you like to see your comments posted here? rbrenNxZgjWhZvbJlZRTCner@ChacNVhDKuBIjlJCpyIcoCanyon.comSend me your comments by email, or by Web form.

About Point Lookout

Thank you for reading this article. I hope you enjoyed it and found it useful, and that you'll consider recommending it to a friend.

Point Lookout is a free weekly email newsletter. Browse the archive of past issues. Subscribe for free.

Support Point Lookout by joining the Friends of Point Lookout, as an individual or as an organization.

Do you face a complex interpersonal situation? Send it in, anonymously if you like, and I'll give you my two cents.

Related articles

More articles on Personal, Team, and Organizational Effectiveness:

TINOs: Teams in Name Only

Perhaps the most significant difference between face-to-face teams and virtual or distributed teams is their potential to develop from workgroups into true teams — an area in which virtual or distributed teams are at a decided disadvantage. Often, virtual and distributed teams are teams in name only.

The Focusing Illusion in Organizations

The judgments we make at work, like the judgments we make elsewhere in life, are subject to human fallibility in the form of cognitive biases. One of these is the Focusing Illusion. Here are some examples to watch for.

Finding the Third Way

When a team is divided, and agreement seems out of reach, attempts to resolve the conflict usually focus on the differences between the contrasting positions. Focusing instead on their similarities can be a productive technique for reaching agreement.

The Reification Error and Performance Management

Just as real concrete objects have attributes, so do abstract concepts, or constructs. But attempting to measure the attributes of constructs as if they were the attributes of real objects is an example of the reification error. In performance management, committing this error leads to unexpected and unwanted results.

How to Waste Time in Virtual Meetings

Nearly everyone hates meetings, and virtual meetings are at the top of most people's lists. Here's a catalog of some of the worst practices.

See also Personal, Team, and Organizational Effectiveness and Effective Communication at Work for more related articles.

Forthcoming issues of Point Lookout

Coming April 24: Big, Complicated Problems

Big, complicated problems can be difficult to solve. Even contemplating them can be daunting. But we can survive them if we get advice we can trust, know our resources, recall solutions to past problems, find workarounds, or as a last resort, escape. Available here and by RSS on April 24.

And on May 1: Full Disclosure

The term "full disclosure" is now a fairly common phrase, especially in news interviews and in film and fiction thrillers involving government employees or attorneys. It also has relevance in the knowledge workplace, and nuances associated with it can affect your credibility. Available here and by RSS on May 1.

Coaching services

I offer email and telephone coaching at both corporate and individual rates. Contact Rick for details at rbrenJqQrPBQhfrMRpbLdner@ChachEZWWgaizUXyqgpvoCanyon.com or (650) 787-6475, or toll-free in the continental US at (866) 378-5470.

Get the ebook!

Past issues of Point Lookout are available in six ebooks:

• Get 2001-2 in Geese Don't Land on Twigs (PDF, USD 11.95)
• Get 2003-4 in Why Dogs Wag (PDF, USD 11.95)
• Get 2005-6 in Loopy Things We Do (PDF, USD 11.95)
• Get 2007-8 in Things We Believe That Maybe Aren't So True (PDF, USD 11.95)
• Get 2009-10 in The Questions Not Asked (PDF, USD 11.95)
• Get all of the first twelve years (2001-2012) in The Collected Issues of Point Lookout (PDF, USD 28.99)

Are you a writer, editor or publisher on deadline? Are you looking for an article that will get people talking and get compliments flying your way? You can have 500 words in your inbox in one hour. License any article from this Web site. More info

Public seminars

The Power Affect: How We Express Our Personal Power

Many people who possess real organizational power have a characteristic demeanor. It's the way they project their presence. I call this the power affect. Some people — call them power pretenders — adopt the power affect well before they attain significant organizational power. Unfortunately for their colleagues, and for their organizations, power pretenders can attain organizational power out of proportion to their merit or abilities. Understanding the power affect is therefore important for anyone who aims to attain power, or anyone who works with power pretenders. Read more about this program.

• A recording of a program presented 6:00 PM June 29 (Eastern Time), Monthly Webinar, Technobility Webinar Series. You can earn 1.0 Category 'A' PDU by viewing this program. View this program now.