Recognizing Hurtful Dismissiveness

When we're dismissive towards others, they can experience pain. Retaliation, bad decisions, depressed performance, and broken relationships can follow. Dismissing others might feel satisfying, but it's expensive to the organization. If it's a repeated pattern of behavior, it's a performance issue.

Some offenders intend to throw their targets off balance, to inflict pain, or to gain advantage in debate. Others are unintentionally dismissive, but the results can be serious nonetheless.

Targets of dismissiveness usually cannot control the behavior of offenders, but they can learn to remain centered. There is a 3-R recipe for dealing with hurtful dismissiveness: Recognize the offense, Reframe the offense, and Reaffirm your own humanity.

Recognition begins with becoming familiar with the words offenders use. Because most of the examples below do have legitimate uses, both style of delivery and context determine whether they're being used offensively. For instance, "Forget it," in response to an apology can mean, "Apology accepted." But in response to a request for an explanation, it can be a dismissive rejection.

Here's a little catalog of dismissive remarks. Add more as you encounter them.

• Never mind.
• Don't worry about it.
• Talk to me later (or sometime).
• Sorry, gotta go.
• Not your (my) concern (affair, problem, worry).
• Stay focused.
• Not now. Maybe later.
• Ask me later.
• Let's not.
• Send me mail on that.
• It's complicated.
• You're overreacting.
• Welcome to the nineties.
• Let's not be panicky.
• Aren't you clever.
• Could be.
• Who knows? Or cares?
• [Interrupting] Yeah, yeah, I get it.
• Here we go again.
• Not again.
• Oh, that. Let's move on.
• There you go (she goes, he goes, they go) again.
• <laughs><changes subject>
• Stop the presses.
• Hold your horses.
• I hear you. (repeatedly)
• I take your point. (repeatedly)
• Yeah, I heard that.
• Yeah, I heard that yesterday (last week, last month).
• Everyone knows that.
• That's not news.
• I don't think it's quite that bad (serious).
• Get over it.
• You're making (way) too much of it.
• That's just the way she is (he is, they are).
• That's life.
• Get used to it.
• Only joking.
• Cool your jets.
• Chill.
• Take it easy.
• Take five.
• Give it a rest.
• Hold on there, Targets of dismissiveness usually
  cannot control the behavior
  of offenders, but they can
  learn to remain centeredchief (pal).
• Big deal.
• I've (we've, you've, they've, he's, she's) done worse.
• You just can't leave it alone, can you?
• Nothing I (we, you) can do about that.
• Why does that matter?
• What's the difference?
• It doesn't really matter.
• Either way.
• Next!
• Sucks to be you.
• Don't be so sensitive.
• Take a number.

Next time we'll explore techniques for reframing dismissive remarks.  Next in this series  Top    Next Issue

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When we deliver news at work — status, events, personnel changes, whatever — we sometimes frame it in a story line format. We start at the beginning and we gradually work up to the point. That might be the right way to deliver good news, but for everything else, especially bad news, deliver the headline first, and then offer the details.

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In the modern organization, since direct verbal insults are considered "over the line," we've developed a variety of alternatives, including a class I call "dismissive gestures." They hurt personally, and they harm the effectiveness of the organization. Here's Part II of a little catalog of dismissive gestures.

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Embolalia and Stuff Like That: I

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Some Truths About Lies: III

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See also Effective Communication at Work and Conflict Management for more related articles.

Forthcoming issues of Point Lookout

Coming December 12: Effects of Shared Information Bias: II

Shared information bias is widely believed to lead to bad decisions. But over time, it can erode a group's ability to assess reality accurately. That can lead to a widening gap between reality and the group's perceptions of reality. Available here and by RSS on December 12.

And on December 19: Embarrassment, Shame, and Guilt at Work: Creation

Three feelings are often confused with each other: embarrassment, shame, and guilt. To understand how to cope with these feelings, begin by understanding what different kinds of situations we use when we create these feelings. Available here and by RSS on December 19.

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