Recognizing Hurtful Dismissiveness

When we're dismissive towards others, they can experience pain. Retaliation, bad decisions, depressed performance, and broken relationships can follow. Dismissing others might feel satisfying, but it's expensive to the organization. If it's a repeated pattern of behavior, it's a performance issue.

Some offenders intend to throw their targets off balance, to inflict pain, or to gain advantage in debate. Others are unintentionally dismissive, but the results can be serious nonetheless.

Targets of dismissiveness usually cannot control the behavior of offenders, but they can learn to remain centered. There is a 3-R recipe for dealing with hurtful dismissiveness: Recognize the offense, Reframe the offense, and Reaffirm your own humanity.

Recognition begins with becoming familiar with the words offenders use. Because most of the examples below do have legitimate uses, both style of delivery and context determine whether they're being used offensively. For instance, "Forget it," in response to an apology can mean, "Apology accepted." But in response to a request for an explanation, it can be a dismissive rejection.

Here's a little catalog of dismissive remarks. Add more as you encounter them.

• Never mind.
• Don't worry about it.
• Talk to me later (or sometime).
• Sorry, gotta go.
• Not your (my) concern (affair, problem, worry).
• Stay focused.
• Not now. Maybe later.
• Ask me later.
• Let's not.
• Send me mail on that.
• It's complicated.
• You're overreacting.
• Welcome to the nineties.
• Let's not be panicky.
• Aren't you clever.
• Could be.
• Who knows? Or cares?
• [Interrupting] Yeah, yeah, I get it.
• Here we go again.
• Not again.
• Oh, that. Let's move on.
• There you go (she goes, he goes, they go) again.
• <laughs><changes subject>
• Stop the presses.
• Hold your horses.
• I hear you. (repeatedly)
• I take your point. (repeatedly)
• Yeah, I heard that.
• Yeah, I heard that yesterday (last week, last month).
• Everyone knows that.
• That's not news.
• I don't think it's quite that bad (serious).
• Get over it.
• You're making (way) too much of it.
• That's just the way she is (he is, they are).
• That's life.
• Get used to it.
• Only joking.
• Cool your jets.
• Chill.
• Take it easy.
• Take five.
• Give it a rest.
• Hold on there, Targets of dismissiveness usually
  cannot control the behavior
  of offenders, but they can
  learn to remain centeredchief (pal).
• Big deal.
• I've (we've, you've, they've, he's, she's) done worse.
• You just can't leave it alone, can you?
• Nothing I (we, you) can do about that.
• Why does that matter?
• What's the difference?
• It doesn't really matter.
• Either way.
• Next!
• Sucks to be you.
• Don't be so sensitive.
• Take a number.

Next time we'll explore techniques for reframing dismissive remarks.   Next issue in this series   Top    Next Issue

Are you fed up with tense, explosive meetings? Are you or a colleague the target of a bully? Destructive conflict can ruin organizations. But if we believe that all conflict is destructive, and that we can somehow eliminate conflict, or that conflict is an enemy of productivity, then we're in conflict with Conflict itself. Read 101 Tips for Managing Conflict to learn how to make peace with conflict and make it an organizational asset. Order Now!

Your comments are welcome

About Point Lookout

Thank you for reading this article. I hope you enjoyed it and found it useful, and that you'll consider recommending it to a friend.

This article in its entirety was written by a human being. No machine intelligence was involved in any way.

Point Lookout is a free weekly email newsletter. Browse the archive of past issues. Subscribe for free.

Support Point Lookout by joining the Friends of Point Lookout, as an individual or as an organization.

Do you face a complex interpersonal situation? Send it in, anonymously if you like, and I'll give you my two cents.

Related articles

More articles on Effective Communication at Work:

The Power of Presuppositions

Presuppositions are powerful tools for manipulating others. To defend yourself, know how they're used, know how to detect them, and know how to respond.

On Facilitation Suggestions from Meeting Participants

Team leaders often facilitate their own meetings, and although there are problems associated with that dual role, it's so familiar that it works well enough, most of the time. Less widely understood are the problems that arise when other meeting participants make facilitation suggestions.

More Things I've Learned Along the Way: V

When I gain an important insight, or when I learn a lesson, I make a note. Example: If you're interested in changing how a social construct operates, knowing how it came to be the way it is can be much less useful than knowing what keeps it the way it is.

Antipatterns for Time-Constrained Communication: III

Recognizing just a few patterns that can lead to miscommunication can reduce the incidence of problems. Here is Part III of a collection of antipatterns that arise in technical communication under time pressure, emphasizing contextual factors.

Seven Ways to Support Word-of-Mouth About Your Content

Whether you're making a presentation or writing an article or a book, making your material more memorable is a desirable objective. After the talk, or after the reader sets down your work, what you have to offer will be accessible only if the auditor or reader remembers something about it.

See also Effective Communication at Work for more related articles.

Forthcoming issues of Point Lookout

Coming July 9: On Being Seriously Funny at Work

Humor is such a valuable tool at work that it ought to be recognized as an official contribution by team members who provide the laughs that keep some teams from auto-destructing. Even if you're not known for bringing the funny, there are a few simple techniques that can change your image. Available here and by RSS on July 9.

And on July 16: Responding to Unwelcome Events

Unwelcome events have two kinds of effects on decision-makers. One set of effects appears as we respond to events that have actually occurred. Another set manifests itself as we prepare for unwelcome events that haven't yet occurred, but which might occur. Making a wrong decision in either case can be costly. Available here and by RSS on July 16.

Coaching services

I offer email and telephone coaching at both corporate and individual rates. Contact Rick for details at rbrenaXXxGCwVgbgLZDuRner@ChacDjdMAATPdDNJnrSwoCanyon.com or (650) 787-6475, or toll-free in the continental US at (866) 378-5470.

Get the ebook!

Past issues of Point Lookout are available in six ebooks:

• Get 2001-2 in Geese Don't Land on Twigs (PDF, )
• Get 2003-4 in Why Dogs Wag (PDF, )
• Get 2005-6 in Loopy Things We Do (PDF, )
• Get 2007-8 in Things We Believe That Maybe Aren't So True (PDF, )
• Get 2009-10 in The Questions Not Asked (PDF, )
• Get all of the first twelve years (2001-2012) in The Collected Issues of Point Lookout (PDF, )

Are you a writer, editor or publisher on deadline? Are you looking for an article that will get people talking and get compliments flying your way? You can have 500-1000 words in your inbox in one hour. License any article from this Web site. More info