A wounded conversation is one that began pleasantly enough, and then took a wrong turn. Outright hostilities haven't broken out, and some participants might be unaware of any discomfort. But discomfort there is. Perhaps the cause was an error or slip. Perhaps it was intentional, but contributed out of momentary pique. In either case, from that point, things can go well or not, depending on the participants' choices.
Let's suppose that Wilfred made the unfortunate remark. How can you prevent further damage and pain? Here are some approaches for providing first aid for wounded conversations.
- Fight not
- Pushing back on Wilfred probably won't help. If he had hostile intentions, counterstrikes will likely make things worse. If he made the comment in error, counterstrikes don't help at all.
- Flee not
- Exiting the conversation won't help much, even if you're the object of the remark. If Wilfred intended offense, exit rewards him. If he didn't intend it, exiting might offend him or compel him to claim that he spoke with intent. Skipping on to another unrelated topic isn't much better than exiting.
- Seek a smooth transition
- Incorporating the offensive remark into the flow of the conversation in a smooth transition can be difficult indeed, but if you can find a way to do it, healing can begin. The most difficult elements of this tactic are the speed, grace, and deftness with which it is executed.
- Apply first aid inquiry
- Genuine interest in someone's views can be disarming, and disarming is just what's needed in wounded conversations. Inquire about something Wilfred cares about. Choose a topic different from the one Wilfred chose, but related enough to it so that the inquiry doesn't appear to be a flatfooted deflection. The inquiry can provide a path to a safer place.
- Apply first aid humor
- Each of us has Exiting the conversation
won't help much, even
if you're the object
of the remarka unique sense of humor, but we (almost) all do have one. Find something you and Wilfred (and any others who are around) can share a laugh about. Keep it connected to Wilfred's remark, if you can, to form a bridge to a safer place. You don't need side-splitting laughter. A chuckle will do.
- Seek a neutral third-party perspective
- If Wilfred directed his comment toward you, and you have the "floor," you can direct a question about the remark to another participant: "Hmm, interesting. Jess, didn't something like that come up on your team last year?" This technique is useful if you're confident that Jess understands the importance of healing the wounded conversation. A neutral comment from her would then make two in a row, and much of the tension Wilfred's remark created can dissipate.
Are you fed up with tense, explosive meetings? Are you or a colleague the target of a bully? Destructive conflict can ruin organizations. But if we believe that all conflict is destructive, and that we can somehow eliminate conflict, or that conflict is an enemy of productivity, then we're in conflict with Conflict itself. Read 101 Tips for Managing Conflict to learn how to make peace with conflict and make it an organizational asset. Order Now!
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More articles on Conflict Management:
- Managing Pressure: Communications and Expectations
- Pressed repeatedly for "status" reports, you might guess that they don't want status —
they want progress. Things can get so nutty that responding to the status requests gets in the way of
doing the job. How does this happen and what can you do about it? Here's Part I of a little catalog
of tactics and strategies for dealing with pressure.
- Letting Go of the Status Quo: the Debate
- Before we can change, we must want to change, or at least accept that we must change. And somewhere
in there, we must let go of some part of what is now in place — the status quo. In organizations,
the decision to let go involves debate.
- Impasses in Group Decision-Making: II
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exacerbate disagreement. Here's Part II of an exploration of impasses, emphasizing two of the more toxic
- Toxic Conflict in Virtual Teams: Minimizing Authority
- Toxic conflict in virtual teams is especially difficult to address, because we bring to it assumptions
about causes and remedies that we've acquired in our experience in co-located teams. In this Part II
of our exploration we examine how minimizing authority tends to convert ordinary creative conflict into
a toxic form.
- Preventing Toxic Conflict: I
- Conflict resolution skills are certainly useful. Even more advantageous are toxic conflict prevention
skills, and skills that keep constructive conflict from turning toxic.
Forthcoming issues of Point Lookout
- Coming March 27: Stone-Throwers at Meetings: II
- A stone-thrower in a meeting is someone who is determined to halt forward progress. Motives vary, from embarrassing the chair to holding the meeting hostage in exchange for advancing an agenda. What can chairs do about stone-throwers? Available here and by RSS on March 27.
- And on April 3: Career Opportunity or Career Trap: I
- When we're presented with an opportunity that seems too good to be true, as the saying goes, it probably is. Although it's easy to decline free vacations, declining career opportunities is another matter. Here's a look at indicators that a career opportunity might be a career trap. Available here and by RSS on April 3.
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- The Power Affect: How We Express Our Personal Power
- Many people who possess real organizational power have a characteristic demeanor. It's the way they project their presence. I call this the power affect. Some people — call them power pretenders — adopt the power affect well before they attain significant organizational power. Unfortunately for their colleagues, and for their organizations, power pretenders can attain organizational power out of proportion to their merit or abilities. Understanding the power affect is therefore important for anyone who aims to attain power, or anyone who works with power pretenders. Read more about this program.