Conversational narcissism is a set of behaviors exhibited by participants in a conversation who want to focus the exchange onto themselves. [Derber 1983] [Vangelisti 1990] [Derber 2000] Conversational narcissists do this without showing significant interest in topics related to other participants.
Conversational narcissism can appear in any conversation, but it's of special interest to organizations. For the context of organizational interactions, conversational narcissism can elevate the risk of discussions producing invalid or suboptimal results, because the pattern can cause the conversation to focus on an individual and his or her needs in place of organizational interests.
In this post and posts to come, I describe the pattern and the behaviors people exhibit when they exploit conversations and participants for objectives that differ from the then-current focus.
Four themes of conversational narcissism
As Vangelisti, Knapp, and Daly have shown, we can describe narcissism itself, and the behaviors that comprise conversational narcissism, in terms of four themes — self-importance, exploitation, exhibitionism, and impersonal relationships. [Vangelisti 1990] In this post and the next, I explore the variety of narcissistic behaviors that indicate conversational narcissism is afoot, and which are associated with self-importance. In posts to come I'll address the behaviors that can be categorized as associated with, respectively, exploitation, exhibitionism, and impersonal relationships.
The patterns of conversational narcissism that are associated with a sense of self-importance
Note 1 In what follows, I use the term abuser to refer to the person exhibiting the narcissistic behavior. I'm compelled to use this term instead of a more oobvious choice, narcissist, because the conversation participant who's exhibiting a narcissistic behavior might not be a narcissist.
Note 2 In what follows, I describe someone as "having the talking stick" if he or she is the person who is acknowledged as the current speaker by the conversation participants.
With respect We can describe narcissism and the
behaviors that comprise conversational
narcissism, in terms of four themes:
self-importance, exploitation, exhibitionism,
and impersonal relationshipsto a given conversational context, and possibly with respect to a broader context, abusers harbor a self-image they find unsatisfactory. To address their discomfort, they construct a false but grandiose image that they must validate by observing its effects on the other conversation participants. This exaggerated sense of self-importance leads them to employ tactics described in this post and the next.
- Narcissistic questioning
- Most people ask questions because they're seeking information or clarification. Narcissistic questioning is different. The abuser asks questions not to gain information, nor to elicit clarification, but to demonstrate superior knowledge about the topic of the question. Ideally, in the abuser's mind, the person questioned will be unable to respond, or might even request elucidation before framing a response.
- Backdoor bragging
- To indulge in backdoor bragging is to articulate a statement or question that contains, in a subordinate form, information intended to burnish the abuser's image, or otherwise indicate the importance or elevated stature of the abuser. Example: "It's painful for me to attend her meetings, because my own are so much more orderly and effective."
- When the abuser acquires the talking stick, you had best settle in for the long haul. Abusers know that the time allocated to any given conversation is finite, and when the abuser isn't speaking, someone else will be speaking. So, when making contributions, abusers employing the filibuster tactic aim to consume as much conversation time as possible by including irrelevant detail, or by speaking slowly, or by any other means that comes to mind.
- Dismissing others' contributions
- By disparaging the contributions of other participants, abusers elevate their own contributions by comparison. If successful, the conversation participants will necessarily spend less time focused on the disparaged contributions, which makes more time available for considering the contributions of the abusers.
- Creating pseudofacts from thin air
- By repeatedly presenting opinions — or actual lies — as undisputed facts, the abuser can convert baseless assertions into facts in the minds of some of the other participants. Call these assertions pseudofacts. This strategy is most useful if the pseudofacts support the abuser's claims that contributions of others are unworthy of serious consideration.
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More articles on Effective Meetings:
- The Solving Lamp Is Lit
- We waste a lot of time finding solutions before we understand the problem. And sometimes, we start solving
before everyone is even aware of the problem. Here's how to prevent premature solution.
- Overtalking: II
- Overtalking is a tactic for dominating a conversation by talking to stop others from talking. When it
happens, what can we do about it?
- Issues-Only Team Meetings
- Time spent in regular meetings is productive to the extent that it moves the team closer to its objectives.
Because uncovering and clarifying issues is more productive than distributing information or listening
to status reports, issues-only team meetings focus energy where it will help most.
- On Schedule Conflicts
- Schedule conflicts happen from time to time, even when the organization is healthy and all is well.
But when schedule conflicts are common, they might indicate that the organization is trying to do too
much with too few people.
- Toxic Disrupters: Tactics
- Some people tend to disrupt meetings. Their motives vary, but they use techniques drawn from a limited
collection. Examples: they violate norms, demand attention, mess with the agenda, and sow distrust.
Response begins with recognizing their tactics.
Forthcoming issues of Point Lookout
- Coming December 6: Off-Putting and Conversational Narcissism at Work: III
- Having off-putting interactions is one of four themes of conversational narcissism. Here are seven behavioral patterns that relate to off-putting interactions and how abusers use them to control conversations. Available here and by RSS on December 6.
- And on December 13: Contrary Indicators of Psychological Safety: I
- To take the risks that learning and practicing new ways requires, we all need a sense that trial-and-error approaches are safe. Organizations seeking to improve processes would do well to begin by assessing their level of psychological safety. Available here and by RSS on December 13.
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