For protection, to express contempt, or to accomplish by subterfuge what one cannot accomplish openly, we mask the true meaning of our communications. The masking technique depends on the message and the audience, but the practice is rarely constructive. It usually makes or expresses trouble for the relationship.
Here are some examples of techniques for masking messages.
- Backdoor bragging
- Example: "It's painful for me to attend her meetings, because my own are so much more orderly and effective."
- This isn't merely a description of pain; rather, it's a claim about the quality of the speaker's meetings. But the claim is buried in a subordinate clause, where it's far less intrusive.
- Non-apology apologies
- Example: "If what I said offended anyone, I'm very sorry."
- This isn't a true apology, because it doesn't concede that what was said was offensive; it dissociates the speaker from what was said; and it isn't directed to anyone specifically. It's simply an expression of regret. See "Demanding Forgiveness," Point Lookout for June 18, 2003, for more.
- Implicit accusations
- Example: "You can join the team if you promise not to pout if your ideas aren't accepted."
- If the accusation had been stated directly, it would have read: "I've noticed that you pout if your ideas are not accepted. You can join the team if you promise to behave." The implicit form creates an urge to refute it, which risks validating the claim. See "Dealing with Implied Accusations," Point Lookout for January 10, 2001, for more.
- Masked messages usually
make or express trouble
for the relationship
- Damning with faint praise
- Example: "Your leadership lately has been very useful."
- This message begins in the right direction, but ends with a dull thud. For extra thud, the speaker might pause before "lately" or after "very" as if to be searching for sufficiently neutral words.
- Backdoor damning
- Example: "On project after project, he has demonstrated an outstanding ability to conjure up plausible-sounding explanations for even the most complicated blunders."
- Here the critique is hidden behind what appears to be praise.
- Fake questions
- Example: "If you were to take responsibility for sorting out this mess, how would you do it?"
- By seducing the listener with a fake hypothetical question, the speaker hopes to nudge the listener toward a commitment to take responsibility for a mess.
- Example: "I'd like very much to offer you a promotion…but it had to go to another department."
- A snatchback happens when the speaker begins with a welcome pronouncement, but ends by explaining something else or providing an excuse. The message recipient experiences the positive pronouncement for a second or two — an experience that is never truly erased.
Message masking is a habit for some; a deliberate choice for others. Both are corrosive to relationships. Noticing the pattern in the communications of others can help you reduce it in your own. Top Next Issue
Are you fed up with tense, explosive meetings? Are you or a colleague the target of a bully? Destructive conflict can ruin organizations. But if we believe that all conflict is destructive, and that we can somehow eliminate conflict, or that conflict is an enemy of productivity, then we're in conflict with Conflict itself. Read 101 Tips for Managing Conflict to learn how to make peace with conflict and make it an organizational asset. Order Now!
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More articles on Effective Communication at Work:
- Virtual Communications: I
- Participating in or managing a virtual team presents special communications challenges. Here are some
guidelines for communicating with members of virtual teams.
- Can You Hear Me Now?
- Not feeling heard can feel like an attack, even when there was no attack, and then conversation can
quickly turn to war. Here are some tips for hearing your conversation partner and for conveying the
message that you actually did hear.
- If Only I Had Known: I
- Have you ever regretted saying something that you wouldn't have said if only you had known just one
more little fact? Yeah, me too. We all have. Here are some tips for dealing with this sticky situation.
- How to Eliminate Meetings
- Reducing the length and frequency of meetings is the holy grail of organizational science. I've attended
many meetings on this topic, most of which have come to naught. Here are some radical ideas that could
change our lives.
- Chronic Peer Interrupters: II
- People use a variety of tactics when they're interrupted while making contributions in meetings. Some
tactics work well, while others carry risks of their own. Here's Part II of a little survey of those tactics.
Forthcoming issues of Point Lookout
- Coming August 21: Perfectionism and Avoidance
- Avoiding tasks we regard as unpleasant, boring, or intimidating is a pattern known as procrastination. Perfectionism is another pattern. The interplay between the two makes intervention a bit tricky. Available here and by RSS on August 21.
- And on August 28: Playing at Work
- Eight hours a day — usually more — of meetings, phone calls, reading and writing email and text messages, briefing others or being briefed, is enough to drive anyone around the bend. To re-energize, to clarify one's perspective, and to restore creative capacity, play is essential. Play at work, I mean. Available here and by RSS on August 28.
I offer email and telephone coaching at both corporate and individual rates. Contact Rick for details at rbrenmhXARWRMUvVyOdHlner@ChacxgDmtwOKrxnripPCoCanyon.com or (650) 787-6475, or toll-free in the continental US at (866) 378-5470.
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more about this program. Here's a date for this program:
- Baldwin-Wallace University, 275 Eastland Road, Berea, Ohio
44017: November 7,
Kerzner Lecture Series/International Project Management Day, sponsored by Baldwin Wallace University and the Northeast Ohio Chapter of the Project Management Institute.
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