Masked Messages

For protection, to express contempt, or to accomplish by subterfuge what one cannot accomplish openly, we mask the true meaning of our communications. The masking technique depends on the message and the audience, but the practice is rarely constructive. It usually makes or expresses trouble for the relationship.

Here are some examples of techniques for masking messages.

Backdoor bragging

Example: "It's painful for me to attend her meetings, because my own are so much more orderly and effective."

This isn't merely a description of pain; rather, it's a claim about the quality of the speaker's meetings. But the claim is buried in a subordinate clause, where it's far less intrusive.

Non-apology apologies

Example: "If what I said offended anyone, I'm very sorry."

This isn't a true apology, because it doesn't concede that what was said was offensive; it dissociates the speaker from what was said; and it isn't directed to anyone specifically. It's simply an expression of regret. See "Demanding Forgiveness," Point Lookout for June 18, 2003, for more.

Implicit accusations

Example: "You can join the team if you promise not to pout if your ideas aren't accepted."

If the accusation had been stated directly, it would have read: "I've noticed that you pout if your ideas are not accepted. You can join the team if you promise to behave." The implicit form creates an urge to refute it, which risks validating the claim. See "Dealing with Implied Accusations," Point Lookout for January 10, 2001, for more.

Masked messages usually
make or express trouble
for the relationship

Damning with faint praise

Example: "Your leadership lately has been very useful."

This message begins in the right direction, but ends with a dull thud. For extra thud, the speaker might pause before "lately" or after "very" as if to be searching for sufficiently neutral words.

Backdoor damning

Example: "On project after project, he has demonstrated an outstanding ability to conjure up plausible-sounding explanations for even the most complicated blunders."

Here the critique is hidden behind what appears to be praise.

Fake questions

Example: "If you were to take responsibility for sorting out this mess, how would you do it?"

By seducing the listener with a fake hypothetical question, the speaker hopes to nudge the listener toward a commitment to take responsibility for a mess.

Snatchbacks

Example: "I'd like very much to offer you a promotion…but it had to go to another department."

A snatchback happens when the speaker begins with a welcome pronouncement, but ends by explaining something else or providing an excuse. The message recipient experiences the positive pronouncement for a second or two — an experience that is never truly erased.

Message masking is a habit for some; a deliberate choice for others. Both are corrosive to relationships. Noticing the pattern in the communications of others can help you reduce it in your own.  Top    Next Issue

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In disputes or in problem solving sessions, when we can't seem to come to agreement, we often attribute the difficulty to miscommunication, histories of disagreements, hidden agendas, or "personality clashes." Sometimes the cause is much simpler. Sometimes the concept vocabularies of the parties don't overlap. Available here and by RSS on July 15.

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