Exhibitionism and Conversational Narcissism at Work: II

This exploration of conversational narcissism began with "Self-Importance and Conversational Narcissism at Work: I," Point Lookout for October 4, 2023, with some definitions and examples. Briefly, conversational narcissism is the set of behaviors a conversation participant uses to direct the focus of a conversation from the topic at hand onto that participant or along directions favored by that participant. Conversational narcissism is a threat to organizational wellbeing because it distorts the outcomes of discussions, biasing them in ways preferred by individuals whose personal agendas might not align with organizational interests.

As noted in earlier posts, the methods used can be categorized as emphasizing some combination of self-importance, exploitation of others, exhibitionism, and impersonal relationships. This post continues an exploration of the narcissistic behaviors that are most closely associated with exhibitionism.

A bit of terminology

Following the pattern of previous posts in this series, I begin with some introductory information, repeated here for convenience. If you recall those earlier posts, you can skip this next bit.

In the first post of this series I introduced the term abuser as a shorthand for narcissistic conversation participant, because the term narcissist won't do — not all abusers are narcissists. In general, it's the behavior that's narcissistic, not the person exhibiting the behavior (though some who exhibit the behavior are narcissists).

In these Inequality of attention directed at conversation
participants is not sufficient evidence that the
conversation is caught in a narcissistic pattern.
A more significant indicator is the presence of
manipulative behavior that led to the inequality.posts, I describe someone as "having the talking stick" if he or she is the person whom the conversation participants acknowledge as the current speaker. (The term speaker won't do, because someone else might be speaking too.)

And a word about the term exhibitionism. Guided by the work of Vangelisti, et al., I've collected 12 different patterns abusers use and which are associated with exhibitionism. [Vangelisti 1990] The sense in which they use the term exhibitionism is what might be called showing off in everyday parlance. Briefly, this sense of exhibitionism is the collection of behaviors that abusers employ to gain and hold the attention of anyone within sight or hearing.

Six more patterns of conversational narcissism that are associated with exhibitionism

In an earlier post, I described six behavior patterns that abusers could employ to capture and hold the attention of conversation participants, and which are associated with exhibitionism. In this post I describe six more such patterns. They include pointing to oneself when speaking, primping or preening, making noise to attract attention, touching others, positioning oneself in a group focal point, and varying vocal tone.

Pointing to oneself when speaking

Some forms of such pointing gestures communicate messages equivalent to chest thumping in gorillas. Gorillas use the behavior, it is thought, to communicate their power and dominance. A workplace example of pointing to oneself in human males is raising both forearms and pointing thumbs at the upper chest.

Primping or preening

To primp or preen in the workplace is to attend to one's appearance excessively. The problem is not that the primping occurs in public view — it need not occur there, and rarely does. What makes this behavior problematic is the effect it produces. It draws attention to the abuser, distorting the flow of the conversation.

Making noise to attract attention

In this context, noise refers to sounds other than verbal vocalizations. Examples include loud laughter, cheers, clapping, finger snapping, or pounding the table or a desk. Attention-grabbing noise enables the abuser to steer the conversation in a favored direction (or away from a disfavored direction).

Touching others

Touch can be a delicate topic, because of gender boundaries. Still, touching others is a tool of demanding attention even if the touch doesn't involve gender taboos. Back-slapping, shoulder-grabbing, and even extending handshakes beyond the "shaking" phase are all tactics that demand attention. Touch is especially effective for demanding attention in workplace cultures in which it's rare to touch others beyond the standard handshake or elbow bump.

Positioning oneself in a group focal point

In face-to-face conversations, the geographical center of the group is advantageous to those who seek to be the center of attention. Abusers favor this position for that reason. In videoconferences, the center of the group depends on the nature of the data connection. For example, if several important participants are gathered at one site using a single camera, the abuser likely favors that site. If all participants have the same type of connection, with all sites having similar connections, the abuser likely will favor the "host role" if the connection offers one.

Varying vocal tone

Varying vocal tone, pace, and volume can draw and maintain attention. Pace and volume have widespread accepted meanings, but tone of voice is less universally understood. Examples of tone include confident, informal, casual, confidential, sarcastic, respectful, humorous, questioning, didactic, factual, and reminiscing. There are dozens more.

Last words

The presence of one or more of these patterns, independent of context, doesn't prove that conversational narcissism is afoot. Stronger evidence lies among the steps taken by conversation participants to introduce these patterns. That evidence would be in the form of an abuser who employs these patterns in a systematic way to capture the attention of the conversation participants, and then uses them to direct the conversation. The abuser need not enunciate a clear conversational objective. Rather, the abuser's goal is control. In a sense, exercising the power to set the objective is the objective. First in this series  Next in this series  Top    Next Issue

Is every other day a tense, anxious, angry misery as you watch people around you, who couldn't even think their way through a game of Jacks, win at workplace politics and steal the credit and glory for just about everyone's best work including yours? Read 303 Secrets of Workplace Politics, filled with tips and techniques for succeeding in workplace politics. More info

Footnotes

Your comments are welcome

About Point Lookout

Thank you for reading this article. I hope you enjoyed it and found it useful, and that you'll consider recommending it to a friend.

This article in its entirety was written by a human being. No machine intelligence was involved in any way.

Point Lookout is a free weekly email newsletter. Browse the archive of past issues. Subscribe for free.

Support Point Lookout by joining the Friends of Point Lookout, as an individual or as an organization.

Do you face a complex interpersonal situation? Send it in, anonymously if you like, and I'll give you my two cents.

Related articles

More articles on Effective Meetings:

Mastering Meeting Madness

If you lead an organization, and people are mired in meeting madness, you can end it. Here are a few tips that can free everyone to finally get some work done.

Take Any Seat: II

In meetings, where you sit in the room influences your effectiveness, both in the formal part of the meeting and in the milling-abouts that occur around breaks. You can take any seat, but if you make your choice strategically, you can better maintain your autonomy and power.

Decisions, Decisions: I

Most of us have participated in group decision making. The process can be frustrating and painful, but it can also be thrilling. What processes do groups use to make decisions? How do we choose the right process for the job?

What Makes a Good Question?

In group discussion or group problem solving, many of us focus on being the first one to provide the answer. The right answer can be good; but often, the right question can be better.

Start the Meeting with a Check-In

Check-ins give meeting attendees a chance to express satisfaction or surface concerns about how things are going. They're a valuable aid to groups that want to stay on course, or get back on course when needed.

See also Effective Meetings and Workplace Politics for more related articles.

Forthcoming issues of Point Lookout

Coming December 6: Off-Putting and Conversational Narcissism at Work: III

Having off-putting interactions is one of four themes of conversational narcissism. Here are seven behavioral patterns that relate to off-putting interactions and how abusers use them to control conversations. Available here and by RSS on December 6.

And on December 13: Contrary Indicators of Psychological Safety: I

To take the risks that learning and practicing new ways requires, we all need a sense that trial-and-error approaches are safe. Organizations seeking to improve processes would do well to begin by assessing their level of psychological safety. Available here and by RSS on December 13.

Coaching services

I offer email and telephone coaching at both corporate and individual rates. Contact Rick for details at rbrenogMhuqCxAnbfLvzbner@ChacigAthhhYwzZDgxshoCanyon.com or (650) 787-6475, or toll-free in the continental US at (866) 378-5470.

Get the ebook!

Past issues of Point Lookout are available in six ebooks:

• Get 2001-2 in Geese Don't Land on Twigs (PDF, )
• Get 2003-4 in Why Dogs Wag (PDF, )
• Get 2005-6 in Loopy Things We Do (PDF, )
• Get 2007-8 in Things We Believe That Maybe Aren't So True (PDF, )
• Get 2009-10 in The Questions Not Asked (PDF, )
• Get all of the first twelve years (2001-2012) in The Collected Issues of Point Lookout (PDF, )

Are you a writer, editor or publisher on deadline? Are you looking for an article that will get people talking and get compliments flying your way? You can have 500-1000 words in your inbox in one hour. License any article from this Web site. More info