Matt felt a tightness in his stomach. Meg had just phoned to tell him of two projects that were in trouble, and she wanted them "cleaned up" before the quarterly report deadline. She demanded, "We need these projects reviewed by the end of the month." Matt had agreed, because after all, she was his customer. But now he was wondering why he had agreed. He couldn't possibly complete those reviews by the first, and if even one of them turned up some dirty laundry, he'd be even more overloaded.
Why do we so often agree to meet the needs of others with so little thought for our own needs? When we're tempted to overcommit, how can we recognize it in time to stop ourselves? Here are some partial answers to these big questions.
One metaphor for this pattern comes from Jean McLendon, who suggests that each of us has a metaphorical hula-hoop. We're all trying to hula-hoop as best we can. That's difficult enough, but we really get into trouble when we try to hula somebody else's hoop. If you've ever hula-hooped you know that eventually, no matter how good you are, the hoop sometimes gets away from you and drops to the ground. When that happens to someone close to us, some of us feel the urge to help our neighbor hula.
But you can't hula someone else's hoop without messing up your own efforts. You can observe, advise, cheer, make suggestions, and offer support, but as soon as you try to hula for someone else, you get into trouble yourself.
Try it. Get a friend and two hula-hoops, and put one around you and one around your friend. Then try to hula your own hoop and theirs at the same time. You can't do it. People just aren't built that way.
As soon as you try to
hula for someone else,
you get into trouble
yourselfWe each must learn to stay in our own hula-hoops.
When Meg expressed to Matt her urgent need for project reviews, he saw her dropping her hula-hoop, and felt like helping her hula. Matt's job was to conduct project reviews, but the urgency was actually Meg's, not Matt's. By adopting Meg's emergency as his own, Matt was stepping into Meg's hula-hoop.
To remind yourself to stay in your own hula-hoop, buy yourself a gift — get a real hula-hoop and take it to work. Lean it against a wall in your office. Whenever you're about to commit to something, glance over at your hula-hoop and check that you're staying within it. If you are, fine. If not, then figure out how to say no. And if anyone asks you what that hula-hoop is doing in your office, just say, "It's a gift to a hula-hoop champion." Top Next Issue
Is every other day a tense, anxious, angry misery as you watch people around you, who couldn't even think their way through a game of Jacks, win at workplace politics and steal the credit and glory for just about everyone's best work including yours? Read 303 Secrets of Workplace Politics, filled with tips and techniques for succeeding in workplace politics. More info
For an application of the Hula Hoop Principle, see "When You Think Your Boss Is Incompetent," Point Lookout for September 20, 2006.
Your comments are welcomeWould you like to see your comments posted here? rbrenmhXARWRMUvVyOdHlner@ChacxgDmtwOKrxnripPCoCanyon.comSend me your comments by email, or by Web form.
About Point Lookout
Thank you for reading this article. I hope you enjoyed it and found it useful, and that you'll consider recommending it to a friend.
Support Point Lookout by joining the Friends of Point Lookout, as an individual or as an organization.
Do you face a complex interpersonal situation? Send it in, anonymously if you like, and I'll give you my two cents.
More articles on Emotions at Work:
- Down So Low the Only Place to Go Is Up
- The past few years have been hard. Some of us have lost hope. What do you do when you're down
so low the only place to go is up?
- Hot and Cold Running People
- Do you consider yourself a body linguist? Can you tell what people are thinking just by looking at gestures
and postures? Think again. Body language is much more complex and ambiguous than many would have us believe.
- Reverse Micromanagement
- Micromanagement is too familiar to too many of us. Less familiar is inappropriate interference in the
reverse direction — in the work of our supervisors or even higher in the chain. Disciplinary action
isn't always helpful, especially when some of the causes of reverse micromanagement are organizational.
- The Problem of Work Life Balance
- When we consider the problem of work life balance, we're at a disadvantage from the start. The term
itself is part of the problem.
- Not Really Part of the Team: I
- Some team members hang back. They show little initiative and have little social contact with other team
members. How does this come about?
See also Emotions at Work for more related articles.
Forthcoming issues of Point Lookout
- Coming June 3: Capability Inversions and the Dunning-Kruger Effect
- A capability inversion occurs when the person in charge of an effort is far less knowledgeable about the work involved or its purpose than are the people doing that work. In capability inversions, the Dunning-Kruger effect can intensify group dysfunction, sometimes severely disrupting the effort. Available here and by RSS on June 3.
- And on June 10: They Don't Reply to My Email
- Ever have the experience of sending an email message to someone, asking for information or approval or whatever, and then waiting for a response that comes only too late? Maybe your correspondent is an evil loser, but maybe not. Maybe the problem is in your message. Available here and by RSS on June 10.
I offer email and telephone coaching at both corporate and individual rates. Contact Rick for details at rbrenmhXARWRMUvVyOdHlner@ChacxgDmtwOKrxnripPCoCanyon.com or (650) 787-6475, or toll-free in the continental US at (866) 378-5470.
Get the ebook!
Past issues of Point Lookout are available in six ebooks:
- Get 2001-2 in Geese Don't Land on Twigs (PDF, )
- Get 2003-4 in Why Dogs Wag (PDF, )
- Get 2005-6 in Loopy Things We Do (PDF, )
- Get 2007-8 in Things We Believe That Maybe Aren't So True (PDF, )
- Get 2009-10 in The Questions Not Asked (PDF, )
- Get all of the first twelve years (2001-2012) in The Collected Issues of Point Lookout (PDF, )
Are you a writer, editor or publisher on deadline? Are you looking for an article that will get people talking and get compliments flying your way? You can have 500 words in your inbox in one hour. License any article from this Web site. More info
- Bullet Points: Mastery or Madness?
Decision-makers in modern organizations commonly demand briefings in the form of bullet points or a series of series of bullet points. But this form of presentation has limited value for complex decisions. We need something more. We actually need to think. Briefers who combine the bullet-point format with a variety of persuasion techniques can mislead decision-makers, guiding them into making poor decisions. Read more about this program.
Here are some dates for this program:
- Time: 12:00 Eastern Time. Place: Wherever you are. It's a
Webinar.: June 24, Monthly Webinar, sponsored by Technobility Webinar Series. Register now.
- Time: 6:00 PM Eastern Time. Place: Wherever you are. It's
a Webinar.: June 24, Monthly Webinar, sponsored by Technobility Webinar Series. Register now.
- Time: 12:00 Eastern Time. Place: Wherever you are. It's a Webinar.: June 24, Monthly Webinar, sponsored by Technobility Webinar Series. Register now.
- The Power Affect: How We Express Our Personal Power
Many people who possess real organizational power have a characteristic demeanor. It's the way they project their presence. I call this the power affect. Some people — call them power pretenders — adopt the power affect well before they attain significant organizational power. Unfortunately for their colleagues, and for their organizations, power pretenders can attain organizational power out of proportion to their merit or abilities. Understanding the power affect is therefore important for anyone who aims to attain power, or anyone who works with power pretenders. Read more about this program.
- Your stuff is brilliant! Thank you!
- You and Scott Adams both secretly work here, right?
- I really enjoy my weekly newsletters. I appreciate the quick read.
- A sort of Dr. Phil for Management!
- …extremely accurate, inspiring and applicable to day-to-day … invaluable.