Can You Hear Me Now?

Where does the heat come from when a discussion gets "heated?" Sometimes it seems like spontaneous combustion, but it takes at least two people for either one of them to get hot. You hardly ever see anyone go from peaceful to angry when they're sitting in a room alone. Unless the news is on.

Sometimes your contribution to the heat isn't what you did — it's what you did not. When your conversation partner moves toward anger, how can you defuse the situation? A good starting point is to check your own did-nots. And for me, one common did-not is not letting my partner know I've heard.

Much of what we call discussion is actually a sequence of attempts to get the other to acknowledge us. Here are some phrases that suggest that your partner isn't feeling heard, in roughly increasing order of danger. If you hear two or three of these, be warned.

• That's true, but I was talking about something else…
• I'm sorry, perhaps I wasn't being clear
• Let me explain
• Not quite…
• Sometimes your contribution
  to the heat isn't what
  you did — it's what
  you did not.That's not what I mean (meant)
• Let me try again
• It's not that simple…
• That has nothing to do what I'm talking about
• That's a separate issue…let's take this one step at a time.
• What's the problem here? I just explained that.
• I never said that. What I did say was…
• (Turning to a third party) Did you understand what I was saying? Am I being clear here? Help me out…
• Didn't you hear what I just said?
• Exactly what part of that wasn't clear?

When you notice that your partner doesn't feel heard, what can you do?

Deal with your fear of conversion

If you haven't really been listening, one possible reason is a fear that if you actually listen and understand, your debate partner will convert you. Remind yourself that your beliefs are always your choice. Nobody can convert you against your will.

Stop debating

Debating might not be worth the effort, because until your partner feels heard, listening to you isn't likely to happen.

Offer assurance

Simply assuring your partner that you do hear and understand might be enough. It doesn't necessarily commit you to action (or inaction) of any kind.

Realize that it might not be about you

Most people don't listen well, and they often assume that others don't either. Your mission is to communicate that you've heard, despite this barrier.

Sometimes, in exasperation, your partner will ask outright for acknowledgment that you've heard. Viewing this as questioning your good faith leads to yet more trouble. Instead, view the question as an opportunity to finally prove that you have heard — by proving it.  Top    Next Issue

Are you fed up with tense, explosive meetings? Are you or a colleague the target of a bully? Destructive conflict can ruin organizations. But if we believe that all conflict is destructive, and that we can somehow eliminate conflict, or that conflict is an enemy of productivity, then we're in conflict with Conflict itself. Read 101 Tips for Managing Conflict to learn how to make peace with conflict and make it an organizational asset. Order Now!

We sometimes speak in indirect terms without realizing we are, and the indirectness itself can make communication difficult. For more on indirectness see "The True Costs of Indirectness," Point Lookout for November 29, 2006.

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Forthcoming issues of Point Lookout

Coming October 4: Self-Importance and Conversational Narcissism at Work: I

Conversational narcissism is a set of behaviors that participants use to focus the exchange on their own self-interest rather than the shared objective. This post emphasizes the role of these behaviors in advancing a narcissist's sense of self-importance. Available here and by RSS on October 4.

And on October 11: Self-Importance and Conversational Narcissism at Work: II

Self-importance is one of four major themes of conversational narcissism. Knowing how to recognize the patterns of conversational narcissism is a fundamental skill needed for controlling it. Here are eight examples that emphasize self-importance. Available here and by RSS on October 11.

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