Point Lookout: a free weekly publication of Chaco Canyon Consulting
Volume 5, Issue 12;   March 23, 2005:

Can You Hear Me Now?

by

Not feeling heard can feel like an attack, even when there was no attack, and then conversation can quickly turn to war. Here are some tips for hearing your conversation partner and for conveying the message that you actually did hear.

Where does the heat come from when a discussion gets "heated?" Sometimes it seems like spontaneous combustion, but it takes at least two people for either one of them to get hot. You hardly ever see anyone go from peaceful to angry when they're sitting in a room alone. Unless the news is on.

A shouting match

Photo by 05com under CC 2.0 license

Sometimes your contribution to the heat isn't what you did — it's what you did not. When your conversation partner moves toward anger, how can you defuse the situation? A good starting point is to check your own did-nots. And for me, one common did-not is not letting my partner know I've heard.

Much of what we call discussion is actually a sequence of attempts to get the other to acknowledge us. Here are some phrases that suggest that your partner isn't feeling heard, in roughly increasing order of danger. If you hear two or three of these, be warned.

  • That's true, but I was talking about something else…
  • I'm sorry, perhaps I wasn't being clear
  • Let me explain
  • Not quite…
  • Sometimes your contribution
    to the heat isn't what
    you did — it's what
    you did not.
    That's not what I mean (meant)
  • Let me try again
  • It's not that simple…
  • That has nothing to do what I'm talking about
  • That's a separate issue…let's take this one step at a time.
  • What's the problem here? I just explained that.
  • I never said that. What I did say was…
  • (Turning to a third party) Did you understand what I was saying? Am I being clear here? Help me out…
  • Didn't you hear what I just said?
  • Exactly what part of that wasn't clear?

When you notice that your partner doesn't feel heard, what can you do?

Deal with your fear of conversion
If you haven't really been listening, one possible reason is a fear that if you actually listen and understand, your debate partner will convert you. Remind yourself that your beliefs are always your choice. Nobody can convert you against your will.
Stop debating
Debating might not be worth the effort, because until your partner feels heard, listening to you isn't likely to happen.
Offer assurance
Simply assuring your partner that you do hear and understand might be enough. It doesn't necessarily commit you to action (or inaction) of any kind.
Realize that it might not be about you
Most people don't listen well, and they often assume that others don't either. Your mission is to communicate that you've heard, despite this barrier.

Sometimes, in exasperation, your partner will ask outright for acknowledgment that you've heard. Viewing this as questioning your good faith leads to yet more trouble. Instead, view the question as an opportunity to finally prove that you have heard — by proving it. Go to top Top  Next issue: See No Evil  Next Issue

101 Tips for Managing Conflict Are you fed up with tense, explosive meetings? Are you or a colleague the target of a bully? Destructive conflict can ruin organizations. But if we believe that all conflict is destructive, and that we can somehow eliminate conflict, or that conflict is an enemy of productivity, then we're in conflict with Conflict itself. Read 101 Tips for Managing Conflict to learn how to make peace with conflict and make it an organizational asset. Order Now!

We sometimes speak in indirect terms without realizing we are, and the indirectness itself can make communication difficult. For more on indirectness see "The True Costs of Indirectness," Point Lookout for November 29, 2006.

Your comments are welcome

Would you like to see your comments posted here? rbrenXEiRBfuFHUtjHrqUner@ChacpYPvvSVhUNIOeXHKoCanyon.comSend me your comments by email, or by Web form.

About Point Lookout

Thank you for reading this article. I hope you enjoyed it and found it useful, and that you'll consider recommending it to a friend.

Point Lookout is a free weekly email newsletter. Browse the archive of past issues. Subscribe for free.

Support Point Lookout by joining the Friends of Point Lookout, as an individual or as an organization.

Do you face a complex interpersonal situation? Send it in, anonymously if you like, and I'll give you my two cents.

Related articles

More articles on Emotions at Work:

Nez Perce moccasinsThe Fundamental Attribution Error
When we try to understand the behavior of others, we often make a particularly human mistake. We tend to attribute too much to character and disposition and too little to situation and context. When we seek a better balance, we can adopt a more accepting view of events around us.
Carrot and stickIrrational Self-Interest
When we try to influence others, especially large groups or entire companies, we sometimes create packages of incentives and disincentives that are intended to affect behavior. These strategies usually assume that people make choices on rational grounds. Is this assumption valid?
Oscar Wisting, a member of Roald Amundsen's party, and his dog team at the South Pole in 1911Coping and Hard Lessons
Ever have the feeling of "Uh-oh, I've made this mistake before"? Some of these oft-repeated mistakes happen not because of obstinacy, or stupidity, or foolishness, but because the learning required to avoid them is just plain difficult. Here are some examples of hard lessons.
A10 Thunderbolt II "Warthog"Not Really Part of the Team: II
When some team members hang back, declining to show initiative, we tend to overlook the possibility that their behavior is a response to something happening within or around the team. Too often we hold responsible the person who's hanging back. What other explanations are possible?
Gachi Fernandez and Sergio Cortazzo, professional tango coupleScope Creep, Hot Hands, and the Illusion of Control
Despite our awareness of scope creep's dangerous effects on projects and other efforts, we seem unable to prevent it. Two cognitive biases — the "hot hand fallacy" and "the illusion of control" — might provide explanations.

See also Emotions at Work, Conflict Management and Effective Communication at Work for more related articles.

Forthcoming issues of Point Lookout

Adolf Hitler greets Neville Chamberlain at the beginning of the Bad Godesberg meeting on 24 September 1938Coming October 20: On Ineffectual Leaders
When the leader of an important business unit is ineffectual, we need to make a change to protect the organization. Because termination can seem daunting, people often turn to one or more of a variety of other options. Those options have risks. Available here and by RSS on October 20.
Browsing books in a library. So many books, we must make choicesAnd on October 27: Five Guidelines for Choices
Each day we make dozens or hundreds of choices — maybe more. We make many of those choices outside our awareness. But we can make better choices if we can recognize choice patterns that often lead to trouble. Here are five guidelines for making choices. Available here and by RSS on October 27.

Coaching services

I offer email and telephone coaching at both corporate and individual rates. Contact Rick for details at rbrenXEiRBfuFHUtjHrqUner@ChacpYPvvSVhUNIOeXHKoCanyon.com or (650) 787-6475, or toll-free in the continental US at (866) 378-5470.

Get the ebook!

Past issues of Point Lookout are available in six ebooks:

Reprinting this article

Are you a writer, editor or publisher on deadline? Are you looking for an article that will get people talking and get compliments flying your way? You can have 500-1000 words in your inbox in one hour. License any article from this Web site. More info

Public seminars

The Power Affect: How We Express Our Personal Power

Many The Power Affect: How We Express Personal Powerpeople who possess real organizational power have a characteristic demeanor. It's the way they project their presence. I call this the power affect. Some people — call them power pretenders — adopt the power affect well before they attain significant organizational power. Unfortunately for their colleagues, and for their organizations, power pretenders can attain organizational power out of proportion to their merit or abilities. Understanding the power affect is therefore important for anyone who aims to attain power, or anyone who works with power pretenders. Read more about this program.

Bullet Points: Mastery or Madness?

DecisBullet Point Madnession makers in modern organizations commonly demand briefings in the form of bullet points or a series of series of bullet points. But this form of presentation has limited value for complex decisions. We need something more. We actually need to think. Briefers who combine the bullet-point format with a variety of persuasion techniques can mislead decision makers, guiding them into making poor decisions. Read more about this program.

Follow Rick

Send email or subscribe to one of my newsletters Follow me at LinkedIn Follow me at Twitter, or share a tweet Subscribe to RSS feeds Subscribe to RSS feeds
The message of Point Lookout is unique. Help get the message out. Please donate to help keep Point Lookout available for free to everyone.
Technical Debt for Policymakers BlogMy blog, Technical Debt for Policymakers, offers resources, insights, and conversations of interest to policymakers who are concerned with managing technical debt within their organizations. Get the millstone of technical debt off the neck of your organization!
Go For It: Sometimes It's Easier If You RunBad boss, long commute, troubling ethical questions, hateful colleague? Learn what we can do when we love the work but not the job.
101 Tips for Managing ConflictFed up with tense, explosive meetings? Are you the target of a bully? Learn how to make peace with conflict.
101 Tips for Managing ChangeAre you managing a change effort that faces rampant cynicism, passive non-cooperation, or maybe even outright revolt?
101 Tips for Effective MeetingsLearn how to make meetings more productive — and more rare.
Exchange your "personal trade secrets" — the tips, tricks and techniques that make you an ace — with other aces, anonymously. Visit the Library of Personal Trade Secrets.
If your teams don't yet consistently achieve state-of-the-art teamwork, check out this catalog. Help is just a few clicks/taps away!
Ebooks, booklets and tip books on project management, conflict, writing email, effective meetings and more.