Feedback Fumbles

As she was about to click Send, Helen heard a knock on her doorframe. She finished the click, looked up and saw Sean, her boss, entering her office. He closed the door and sat.

"Got a few minutes? I have some feedback for you about the meeting just now."

It wasn't a question. Helen pushed back from her desk, turned toward Sean, and crossed her left knee over her right. "Sure. What's up?"

"Actually not the meeting, but what happened between you and Chris."

"Ah, you noticed. I'm sure it'll pass," Helen said. Helen and Chris had been having problems lately, but Helen felt that just about everyone and Chris had been having problems. Chris had been under a lot of pressure, and Helen was willing to make allowances until Marigold shipped.

"Maybe so, but we need it to pass now. Tell me how you plan to straighten this out."

If you want to
offer feedback,
ask yourself whyIt's hard to know what Sean is actually thinking, but he could be headed for trouble here. When we offer unsolicited feedback, we risk creating such discomfort for the recipient that the goal of the feedback is at risk. And when we receive unsolicited feedback, we sometimes react so strongly that we can't get much of value from the exercise. It all gets a little easier, though, if we keep a few things in mind.

Maybe you solicited the feedback

Sometimes we feel obliged to ask for feedback, but we really don't want it. Our reactions to this feedback are indistinguishable from our reactions to unsolicited feedback. When you notice your reactions, verify whether you've asked for the feedback. Ask for it only if you're prepared to receive it.

Feedback is often about the giver

If you want to offer feedback, ask yourself why — in what way (if any) is the feedback about yourself? When you receive unsolicited feedback, it helps to realize that the giver is revealing something personal, though exactly what it is might not be clear. In the example above, Sean might be more uncomfortable about Marigold and its reflection on his performance than he is concerned about the interaction between Helen and Chris.

If it's not about the giver, it still might not be about you

Feedback might be directed at you, but it might not be about you. For instance, if you're working in a very inefficient office, and customers regularly become irate, your own performance is most likely not the problem, even though the customers show anger to you.

Ask permission

If you've examined your motives, and you still want to offer unsolicited feedback, ask your intended recipient for permission. Follow through only with permission.

These are the basics. If you're thinking of sending me some feedback, ask yourself first: "In what way (if any) is this feedback about me?" Then send it.  Top    Next Issue

Are you fed up with tense, explosive meetings? Are you or a colleague the target of a bully? Destructive conflict can ruin organizations. But if we believe that all conflict is destructive, and that we can somehow eliminate conflict, or that conflict is an enemy of productivity, then we're in conflict with Conflict itself. Read 101 Tips for Managing Conflict to learn how to make peace with conflict and make it an organizational asset. Order Now!

For more about feedback, see "Feedback Fumbles," Point Lookout for April 2, 2003.

You can read a lot more about feedback in two wonderful works.

N. Karten, Communication Gaps and How to Close Them. New York: Dorset House, 2002. More. Order from Amazon.com

C.N. Seashore, E.W. Seashore, and G.M. Weinberg, What Did You Say? The Art of Giving and Receiving Feedback. Columbia, MD: Bingham House, 1996. Order from Amazon.com

Your comments are welcome

About Point Lookout

Thank you for reading this article. I hope you enjoyed it and found it useful, and that you'll consider recommending it to a friend.

Point Lookout is a free weekly email newsletter. Browse the archive of past issues. Subscribe for free.

Support Point Lookout by joining the Friends of Point Lookout, as an individual or as an organization.

Do you face a complex interpersonal situation? Send it in, anonymously if you like, and I'll give you my two cents.

Related articles

More articles on Emotions at Work:

Are You Taking on the Full Load?

Taking on the full load is what we do when we feel fully responsible for either the success or the failure of some organizational activity. Instead of asking for help, we take extreme measures to execute responsibilities that might not even be ours.

Believe It or Else

When we use threats and intimidation to win debates or agreement, we lay a flimsy foundation for future action. Using fear may win the point, but little more.

Totally at Home

Getting home from work is far more than a question of transportation. What can we do to come home totally — to move not only our bodies, but our minds and our spirits from work to home?

One Cost of Split Assignments

Sometimes management practices have unintended consequences. To reduce costs, we keep staff ranks thin, but that leads to split assignments for those with rare skills. Here's one way split assignments can lead to higher costs.

Be With the Real

When the stream of unimportant events and concerns reaches a high enough tempo, we can become so transfixed that we lose awareness of the real and the important. Here are some suggestions for being with the Real.

See also Emotions at Work and Effective Communication at Work for more related articles.

Forthcoming issues of Point Lookout

Coming August 22: Dealing with Credit Appropriation

Very little is more frustrating than having someone else claim credit for the work you do. Worse, sometimes they blame you if they get into trouble after misusing your results. Here are three tips for dealing with credit appropriation. Available here and by RSS on August 22.

And on August 29: Please Reassure Them

When things go wildly wrong, someone is usually designated to investigate and assess the probability of further trouble. That role can be risky. Here are three guidelines for protecting yourself if that role falls to you. Available here and by RSS on August 29.

Coaching services

I offer email and telephone coaching at both corporate and individual rates. Contact Rick for details at rbrenZGikvyTypdyRvqtwner@ChacLuRXzMsibLUZtUCkoCanyon.com or (650) 787-6475, or toll-free in the continental US at (866) 378-5470.

Get the ebook!

Past issues of Point Lookout are available in six ebooks:

• Get 2001-2 in Geese Don't Land on Twigs (PDF, USD 11.95)
• Get 2003-4 in Why Dogs Wag (PDF, USD 11.95)
• Get 2005-6 in Loopy Things We Do (PDF, USD 11.95)
• Get 2007-8 in Things We Believe That Maybe Aren't So True (PDF, USD 11.95)
• Get 2009-10 in The Questions Not Asked (PDF, USD 11.95)
• Get all of the first twelve years (2001-2012) in The Collected Issues of Point Lookout (PDF, USD 28.99)

Are you a writer, editor or publisher on deadline? Are you looking for an article that will get people talking and get compliments flying your way? You can have 500 words in your inbox in one hour. License any article from this Web site. More info

Public seminars

The Power Affect: How We Express Our Personal Power

Many people who possess real organizational power have a characteristic demeanor. It's the way they project their presence. I call this the power affect. Some people — call them power pretenders — adopt the power affect well before they attain significant organizational power. Unfortunately for their colleagues, and for their organizations, power pretenders can attain organizational power out of proportion to their merit or abilities. Understanding the power affect is therefore important for anyone who aims to attain power, or anyone who works with power pretenders. Read more about this program.

• A recording of a program presented 6:00 PM June 29 (Eastern Time), Monthly Webinar, Technobility Webinar Series. You can earn 1.0 Category 'A' PDU by viewing this program. View this program now.