Point Lookout: a free weekly publication of Chaco Canyon Consulting
Volume 8, Issue 47;   November 19, 2008: Favors, Payback, and Thoughtlessness

Favors, Payback, and Thoughtlessness

by

Someone at work who isn't particularly a friend or foe has asked you for a favor. What happens if you say no? Do you grant the favor? How do you decide what to do?
Three adult male chimpanzees during a grooming session

Three adult male chimpanzees in Kibale National Park, Uganda, during a grooming session. The human patterns of social reciprocity are not solely human. They can also be found, for example, in chimpanzees, which exhibit reciprocity with respect to grooming and food sharing. See Kristin E. Bonnie and Frans B.M. deWaal: "Primate Social Reciprocity and the Origin of Gratitude," in The Psychology of Gratitude, Robert A. Emmons, Michael E. McCullough, eds. New York: Oxford University Press, 2004. Order from Amazon.com. Photo by John Mitani, courtesy WhyFiles.org.

When someone at work asks for a favor, you might grant it on the grounds of friendship, teamwork, or affection. But at times, we receive collegial or businesslike requests for favors from people who are neither friend nor foe. Let's assume that there are no ethical questions involved; that it would be perfectly proper to say either yes or no.

To decide what to do, consider both your choices and the seeker's. What are your choices?

Grant the favor
If the effort involved is minimal, and if the negative consequences to you are minimal, granting the favor is a good choice. Otherwise, think about another option.
Deny the favor
People sometimes get unhappy when we say no, and sometimes they act out of anger or disappointment. Denying a favor can have negative consequences, but if you're sure nothing too terrible will happen, denying the favor is a possibility.
Defer the favor
You might suggest that it isn't convenient or possible right now, and suggest that the seeker contact you at a future date. At that time, you can start all over again.
Make a counteroffer
If granting, denying, and deferring aren't appealing options, perhaps you can offer something else instead. Figuring out what to offer is easier with help and advice. You can ask the seeker directly, or consult someone you trust.

And what are the seeker's choices? In part, your decision depends on an assessment of the seeker's response. We can classify the responses of seekers in four patterns.

Appreciative
If you grant the favor, the appreciative seeker expresses appreciation and returns the favor immediately, or at least, someday soon.
If you don't expect an appreciative response, and you aren't indebted yourself, exerting significant effort might be unwise.
The appreciative favor-seeker expresses
appreciation and returns the favor
immediately, or at least, someday soon
Vengeful
If you don't grant the favor, the vengeful seeker might extract a price from you, or threaten to do so.
If you expect a vengeful response to a denial, deferment, or counteroffer, it's wise to search for a low-effort way to satisfy the seeker, especially if the seeker is more powerful than you are.
Thoughtless
The thoughtless seeker accepts what you offer with little expression of appreciation.
Granting big favors to the unappreciative gets tiresome quickly. Find a low-effort way to satisfy the thoughtless, or consider denial, deferment, or a counteroffer.
Passive
The passive seeker doesn't mind much when you deny the favor.
It's tempting to simply deny the requests of the passives, but take care. Passivity can arise from powerlessness. When it does, and when it's coupled with a long memory, vengeful payback at a later date is always possible.

This framework is completely unnecessary when the seeker is a friend or ally or someone you know and like. In that circumstance, it's best to do what feels right. And sometimes, it is an ally of the seeker who is really asking the favor. In that case, applying this framework to the seeker's ally can yield a different result. Go to top Top  Next issue: It's a Wonderful Day!  Next Issue

303 Secrets of Workplace PoliticsIs every other day a tense, anxious, angry misery as you watch people around you, who couldn't even think their way through a game of Jacks, win at workplace politics and steal the credit and glory for just about everyone's best work including yours? Read 303 Secrets of Workplace Politics, filled with tips and techniques for succeeding in workplace politics. More info

Your comments are welcome

Would you like to see your comments posted here? rbrenyrWpTxHuyCrjZbUpner@ChacnoFNuSyWlVzCaGfooCanyon.comSend me your comments by email, or by Web form.

About Point Lookout

This article in its entirety was written by a 
          human being. No machine intelligence was involved in any way.Thank you for reading this article. I hope you enjoyed it and found it useful, and that you'll consider recommending it to a friend.

This article in its entirety was written by a human being. No machine intelligence was involved in any way.

Point Lookout is a free weekly email newsletter. Browse the archive of past issues. Subscribe for free.

Support Point Lookout by joining the Friends of Point Lookout, as an individual or as an organization.

Do you face a complex interpersonal situation? Send it in, anonymously if you like, and I'll give you my two cents.

Related articles

More articles on Personal, Team, and Organizational Effectiveness:

Out of the actionThe Shape of the Table
Not only was the meeting running over, but it now seemed that the entire far end of the table was having its own meeting. Why are some meetings like this?
A rowboatFiguring Out What to Do First
Whether we belong to a small project team or to an executive team, we have limited resources and seemingly unlimited problems to deal with. How do we decide which problems are important? How do we decide where to focus our attention first?
Computer monitors being recycled by the Nevada Division of Environmental ProtectionHow Not to Accumulate Junk
Look around your office. Look around your home. Very likely, some of your belongings are useless and provide neither enjoyment nor cause for contemplation. Where does this stuff come from? Why can't we get rid of it?
An egg sandwichThe Power and Hazards of Anecdotes: I
Anecdotes are short stories — sometimes just a single sentence. They're powerful tools of persuasion, but they can also be dangerous, to both anecdote tellers and anecdote listeners.
Navy vs. Marine Corps tug of war in Vera Cruz, Mexico ca. 1910-1915Holding Back: I
When members of teams or groups hold back their efforts toward achieving group goals, schedule and budget problems can arise, along with frustration and destructive intra-group conflict. What causes this behavior?

See also Personal, Team, and Organizational Effectiveness and Personal, Team, and Organizational Effectiveness for more related articles.

Forthcoming issues of Point Lookout

A game of Jenga underwayComing September 4: Beating the Layoffs: I
If you work in an organization likely to conduct layoffs soon, keep in mind that exiting voluntarily before the layoffs can carry significant advantages. Here are some that relate to self-esteem, financial anxiety, and future employment. Available here and by RSS on September 4.
A child at a fork in a pathAnd on September 11: Beating the Layoffs: II
If you work in an organization likely to conduct layoffs soon, keep in mind that exiting voluntarily can carry advantages. Here are some advantages that relate to collegial relationships, future interviews, health, and severance packages. Available here and by RSS on September 11.

Coaching services

I offer email and telephone coaching at both corporate and individual rates. Contact Rick for details at rbrenyrWpTxHuyCrjZbUpner@ChacnoFNuSyWlVzCaGfooCanyon.com or (650) 787-6475, or toll-free in the continental US at (866) 378-5470.

Get the ebook!

Past issues of Point Lookout are available in six ebooks:

Reprinting this article

Are you a writer, editor or publisher on deadline? Are you looking for an article that will get people talking and get compliments flying your way? You can have 500-1000 words in your inbox in one hour. License any article from this Web site. More info

Follow Rick

Send email or subscribe to one of my newsletters Follow me at LinkedIn Follow me at X, or share a post Subscribe to RSS feeds Subscribe to RSS feeds
The message of Point Lookout is unique. Help get the message out. Please donate to help keep Point Lookout available for free to everyone.
Technical Debt for Policymakers BlogMy blog, Technical Debt for Policymakers, offers resources, insights, and conversations of interest to policymakers who are concerned with managing technical debt within their organizations. Get the millstone of technical debt off the neck of your organization!
Go For It: Sometimes It's Easier If You RunBad boss, long commute, troubling ethical questions, hateful colleague? Learn what we can do when we love the work but not the job.
303 Tips for Virtual and Global TeamsLearn how to make your virtual global team sing.
101 Tips for Managing ChangeAre you managing a change effort that faces rampant cynicism, passive non-cooperation, or maybe even outright revolt?
101 Tips for Effective MeetingsLearn how to make meetings more productive — and more rare.
Exchange your "personal trade secrets" — the tips, tricks and techniques that make you an ace — with other aces, anonymously. Visit the Library of Personal Trade Secrets.
If your teams don't yet consistently achieve state-of-the-art teamwork, check out this catalog. Help is just a few clicks/taps away!
Ebooks, booklets and tip books on project management, conflict, writing email, effective meetings and more.