Favors, Payback, and Thoughtlessness

When someone at work asks for a favor, you might grant it on the grounds of friendship, teamwork, or affection. But at times, we receive collegial or businesslike requests for favors from people who are neither friend nor foe. Let's assume that there are no ethical questions involved; that it would be perfectly proper to say either yes or no.

To decide what to do, consider both your choices and the seeker's. What are your choices?

Grant the favor

If the effort involved is minimal, and if the negative consequences to you are minimal, granting the favor is a good choice. Otherwise, think about another option.

Deny the favor

People sometimes get unhappy when we say no, and sometimes they act out of anger or disappointment. Denying a favor can have negative consequences, but if you're sure nothing too terrible will happen, denying the favor is a possibility.

Defer the favor

You might suggest that it isn't convenient or possible right now, and suggest that the seeker contact you at a future date. At that time, you can start all over again.

Make a counteroffer

If granting, denying, and deferring aren't appealing options, perhaps you can offer something else instead. Figuring out what to offer is easier with help and advice. You can ask the seeker directly, or consult someone you trust.

And what are the seeker's choices? In part, your decision depends on an assessment of the seeker's response. We can classify the responses of seekers in four patterns.

Appreciative

If you grant the favor, the appreciative seeker expresses appreciation and returns the favor immediately, or at least, someday soon.

If you don't expect an appreciative response, and you aren't indebted yourself, exerting significant effort might be unwise.

The appreciative favor-seeker expresses
appreciation and returns the favor
immediately, or at least, someday soon

Vengeful

If you don't grant the favor, the vengeful seeker might extract a price from you, or threaten to do so.

If you expect a vengeful response to a denial, deferment, or counteroffer, it's wise to search for a low-effort way to satisfy the seeker, especially if the seeker is more powerful than you are.

Thoughtless

The thoughtless seeker accepts what you offer with little expression of appreciation.

Granting big favors to the unappreciative gets tiresome quickly. Find a low-effort way to satisfy the thoughtless, or consider denial, deferment, or a counteroffer.

Passive

The passive seeker doesn't mind much when you deny the favor.

It's tempting to simply deny the requests of the passives, but take care. Passivity can arise from powerlessness. When it does, and when it's coupled with a long memory, vengeful payback at a later date is always possible.

This framework is completely unnecessary when the seeker is a friend or ally or someone you know and like. In that circumstance, it's best to do what feels right. And sometimes, it is an ally of the seeker who is really asking the favor. In that case, applying this framework to the seeker's ally can yield a different result.  Top    Next Issue

Is every other day a tense, anxious, angry misery as you watch people around you, who couldn't even think their way through a game of Jacks, win at workplace politics and steal the credit and glory for just about everyone's best work including yours? Read 303 Secrets of Workplace Politics, filled with tips and techniques for succeeding in workplace politics. More info

Your comments are welcome

About Point Lookout

Thank you for reading this article. I hope you enjoyed it and found it useful, and that you'll consider recommending it to a friend.

Point Lookout is a free weekly email newsletter. Browse the archive of past issues. Subscribe for free.

Support Point Lookout by joining the Friends of Point Lookout, as an individual or as an organization.

Do you face a complex interpersonal situation? Send it in, anonymously if you like, and I'll give you my two cents.

Related articles

More articles on Personal, Team, and Organizational Effectiveness:

Please Remove My Appendix

When an organization is experiencing problems with conflict, "pushback," or "blowback," managers often hire trainers to present programs on helpful topics. But self-diagnosis can be risky. Often, there are more direct and focused options that can help more and cost less.

We Are All People

When a team works to solve a problem, it is the people of that team who do the work. Remembering that we're all people — and all different people — is an important key to success.

Finding Work in Tough Times: Infrastructure

Finding work in tough times goes a lot more easily if you have at least a minimum of equipment and space to do the job. Here are some thoughts about getting that infrastructure and managing it.

I've Been Right All Along

As people, we're very good at forming and holding beliefs and opinions despite nagging doubts. These doubts lead us to search for confirmation of our beliefs, and to reject information that might conflict with our beliefs. Often, this process causes us to persist in believing nonsense. How can we tell when this is happening?

Virtual Clutter: I

With some Web searching, you can find abundant advice for decluttering your home or office. And people are even thinking about decluttering email inboxes. But the problem of clutter is far more widespread.

See also Personal, Team, and Organizational Effectiveness and Emotions at Work for more related articles.

Forthcoming issues of Point Lookout

Coming March 3: Risk Acceptance: One Path

When a project team decides to accept a risk, and when their project eventually experiences that risk, a natural question arises: What were they thinking? Cognitive biases, other psychological phenomena, and organizational dysfunction all can play roles. Available here and by RSS on March 3.

And on March 10: On Repeatable Blunders

When organizations make mistakes, they sometimes acknowledge them and learn how to avoid repeating them. And sometimes they conceal them or even deny they happened. When they conceal mistakes or deny they occurred, repetition is more likely. Available here and by RSS on March 10.

Coaching services

I offer email and telephone coaching at both corporate and individual rates. Contact Rick for details at rbrenGBFYqdeDxZESDSsjner@ChacmtFQZGrwOdySPdSsoCanyon.com or (650) 787-6475, or toll-free in the continental US at (866) 378-5470.

Get the ebook!

Past issues of Point Lookout are available in six ebooks:

• Get 2001-2 in Geese Don't Land on Twigs (PDF, )
• Get 2003-4 in Why Dogs Wag (PDF, )
• Get 2005-6 in Loopy Things We Do (PDF, )
• Get 2007-8 in Things We Believe That Maybe Aren't So True (PDF, )
• Get 2009-10 in The Questions Not Asked (PDF, )
• Get all of the first twelve years (2001-2012) in The Collected Issues of Point Lookout (PDF, )

Are you a writer, editor or publisher on deadline? Are you looking for an article that will get people talking and get compliments flying your way? You can have 500-1000 words in your inbox in one hour. License any article from this Web site. More info

Public seminars

The Power Affect: How We Express Our Personal Power

Many people who possess real organizational power have a characteristic demeanor. It's the way they project their presence. I call this the power affect. Some people — call them power pretenders — adopt the power affect well before they attain significant organizational power. Unfortunately for their colleagues, and for their organizations, power pretenders can attain organizational power out of proportion to their merit or abilities. Understanding the power affect is therefore important for anyone who aims to attain power, or anyone who works with power pretenders. Read more about this program.

• A recording of a program presented June 29, 2017, Monthly Webinar, sponsored by Technobility Webinar Series. PMI members can earn 1.0 Category 'A' PDU by viewing this program. View this program now.
   
• A recording of a program presented June 29, 2017, Monthly Webinar, sponsored by Technobility Webinar Series. PMI members can earn 1.0 Category 'A' PDU by viewing this program. View this program now.
   

Bullet Points: Mastery or Madness?

Decision-makers in modern organizations commonly demand briefings in the form of bullet points or a series of series of bullet points. But this form of presentation has limited value for complex decisions. We need something more. We actually need to think. Briefers who combine the bullet-point format with a variety of persuasion techniques can mislead decision-makers, guiding them into making poor decisions. Read more about this program.

• A recording of a program presented June 24, 2020, Monthly Webinar, sponsored by Technobility Webinar Series. PMI members can earn 1.0 Category 'A' PDU by viewing this program. View this program now.
   
• A recording of a program presented June 24, 2020, Monthly Webinar, sponsored by Technobility Webinar Series. PMI members can earn 1.0 Category 'A' PDU by viewing this program. View this program now.