
A portion of The Art of War, by Sun Tzu, written in Tangut script. Sun Tzu was an ancient Chinese military general, strategist, and tactician. He is thought to have lived from 544 to 496 BCE. His treatise on military strategy, tactics, and operations is influential even today, in the military domain, in business, in politics, and beyond. The photo shows a portion of a page of this treatise, translated into Tangut, a script used for several hundred years commencing about 1000 years ago.
A keen understanding of how people contend with each other in both military and nonmilitary conflicts can provide significant advantages in addressing any interpersonal issue, including compulsive talking. Photo courtesy .
To deal effectively with problems, we need both strategy and tactics. last time we explored why the strategy of convincing compulsive talkers to change their behavior is unlikely to succeed. If the goal is to end the disruptions caused by the compulsive talker, and if we're unlikely to be able to convince the compulsive talker to stop, we need alternatives. Considering power relations can be illuminating.
In what follows, I'll call the compulsive talker Sydney, which (lately) is a gender-neutral name.
- Relationship power
- Sometimes a close friend adopts a pattern of talking compulsively. If your relationship with Sydney is of reasonably long standing, and if it's based on genuine friendship and mutual respect, you have a rare opportunity. You probably can't help Sydney resolve the issue, but perhaps you can help him or her decide to seek an experienced counselor.
- Approaching privately, carefully, and respectfully, having asked for and received permission to offer advice, you can suggest that help would be, um, helpful. An approach from a position of caring might work.
- Organizational power
- Asking your supervisor to intervene is a promising option. If it works, the problem is resolved. But if Sydney is your supervisor, there is not much hope. You can try to bend conversations toward something more productive, but since Sydney's objective lies elsewhere, success is unlikely. Because Sydney's job performance is probably inadequate, eventual termination or reassignment is likely in Sydney's future, assuming that Sydney's supervisor is not also compromised somehow. Still, the only sure path to relief is to make a change yourself.
- The case in If your relationship with the compulsive
talker is of reasonably long standing,
and if it's based on genuine friendship and
mutual respect, you have a rare opportunitywhich Sydney isn't your supervisor, but is instead someone else with organizational power, is another difficult one. Again, for analogous reasons, your supervisor is unlikely to assist effectively, if at all, and making a change yourself is the most promising approach. - Abuse of power
- Finally, there is the repugnant possibility that what seems like compulsive talking is actually sexual harassment. Such behavior is frequently, in essence, abuse of power. If the behavior is harassment masquerading as compulsive talking, it's likely that Sydney spends so much time talking to you not because of a need to talk, but rather as an inept but well-concealed attempt to initiate a sexual relationship.
- If this is a possibility, seek advice from a Human Resources representative. But beware. Merely seeking such advice, let alone lodging a complaint, can invite retaliation. Prepare concrete evidence: journal entries logging dates and times of incidents; direct, incriminating quotes; and willing witnesses who can corroborate your assertions. The more powerful Sydney is, the more dangerous it is file a complaint. It would be wise to seek legal advice before taking such steps.
We'll consider the most common case — peers or near-peers who talk compulsively — next time. First in this series Next in this series Top
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More articles on Conflict Management:
When Leaders Fight
- Organizations often pretend that feuds between leaders do not exist. But when the two most powerful
people in your organization go head-to-head, everyone in the organization suffers. How can you survive
a feud between people above you in the org chart?
Hurtful Clichés: II
- Much of our day-to-day conversation consists of harmless clichés: "How goes it?" or
"Nice to meet you." Some other clichés aren't harmless, but they're so common that
we use them without thinking. Here's Part II of a series exploring some of these clichés.
Managing Pressure: Communications and Expectations
- Pressed repeatedly for "status" reports, you might guess that they don't want status —
they want progress. Things can get so nutty that responding to the status requests gets in the way of
doing the job. How does this happen and what can you do about it? Here's Part I of a little catalog
of tactics and strategies for dealing with pressure.
They Just Don't Understand
- When we cannot resolve an issue in open debate, we sometimes try to explain the obstinacy of others.
The explanations we favor can tell us more about ourselves than they do about others.
Reaching Agreements in Technological Contexts
- Reaching consensus in technological contexts presents special challenges. Problems can arise from interactions
between the technological elements of the issue at hand, and the social dynamics of the group addressing
that issue. Here are three examples.
See also Conflict Management and Emotions at Work for more related articles.
Forthcoming issues of Point Lookout
Coming December 6: Off-Putting and Conversational Narcissism at Work: III
- Having off-putting interactions is one of four themes of conversational narcissism. Here are seven behavioral patterns that relate to off-putting interactions and how abusers use them to control conversations. Available here and by RSS on December 6.
And on December 13: Contrary Indicators of Psychological Safety: I
- To take the risks that learning and practicing new ways requires, we all need a sense that trial-and-error approaches are safe. Organizations seeking to improve processes would do well to begin by assessing their level of psychological safety. Available here and by RSS on December 13.
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