Point Lookout: a free weekly publication of Chaco Canyon Consulting
Volume 20, Issue 10;   March 4, 2020: Workplace Remorse

Workplace Remorse

by

Remorse is an unpleasant emotion. But it need not be something we suppress or avoid. It can provide a path to a positive learning experience that adds meaning to life.
A remorseful dog

It isn't only humans who can experience remorse. And some other species can even show it. Photo by Bruno Cervera

Have you ever said something you wish you hadn't? Or said something out loud that you wish you hadn't even thought? Or "lost it" in a meeting when you just couldn't keep it together long enough for some jerk to make a fool of himself without your assistance? If you recognize these situations, or similar ones, then you know the feeling of remorse.

Remorse is different from regret. We can feel regret about any incident or condition that's troublesome or unwelcome, for ourselves or others. And we can feel regret even if we played no role in bringing that trouble about. By contrast, we feel remorse about situations for which we feel to some degree responsible. [McConnel 2018]

Remorse is a "negative" emotion in the sense that we'd rather not feel it, thank you very much. But remorse is a part of life. Feeling remorse is one indicator that we're still alive inside. And remorse can provide guidance for learning. In manageable doses, remorse is something to be thankful for.

When remorse takes over our inner life, when we feel remorseful almost continuously, when we replay endlessly one painful incident after another — that's when we know we're in trouble. That pattern can be an indicator of clinical depression. I can't offer much insight about that pattern in this short post, other than this: if you feel that you're in the grip of that pattern, it might be time to find a counselor or therapist to talk to about next steps.

So let's set that situation aside for now, and explore a more common kind of remorse that I'll call incident-specific workplace remorse.

Incident-specific workplace remorse is a feeling of remorse associated with an incident that occurred at work. Like most remorse, feeling it can be painful. But incident-specific workplace remorse doesn't follow you home every night. It doesn't stick with you all weekend. You feel it from time to time, possibly intensely at times, but it isn't a 24/7 life partner for weeks or months on end.

Because there isn't much anybody can do to change past events, dealing with workplace remorse related to a past event entails changing either how we view the event or events, or how we feel about them, or both. Fortunately there are steps to take. Below are three suggestions. In what follows I'll refer to the person feeling remorseful as Rhett (for Remorseful) and Rhett's conversation partner as Paula (for Partner).

Re-interpret the incident
Remorse about the incident can sometimes depend on a particular interpretation of what happened. For example, if Paula seemed to suddenly bring the conversation to an end, one interpretation that can lead Rhett to a sense of remorse is the idea that he said something foolish or insulting. But it's also possible that Paula was so engrossed in the conversation that she forgot about what time it was, and suddenly remembered a previous commitment.
Finding Because we can't change past
events, dealing with workplace
remorse entails changing how
we view the event, or changing
how we feel about it, or both
plausible re-interpretations of the incident can sometimes bring an end to the feelings of remorse by creating overwhelming doubt about the interpretation that led to remorse. The more plausible re-interpretations you can find, the more likely to vanish is the feeling of remorse.
Reframe the feeling
Changing the experience of the feeling of remorse is an alternative too. For example, Rhett can regard the feeling as a reminder that he has something to learn about Life. Or perhaps he can contemplate the seriousness of the situation, to determine whether the intensity of his response is proportionate, relative to other errors he might have made in his life.
By attending to the scale of the loss or damage, or by focusing on what is to be gained from the incident, Rhett can change what the incident means to him. He can convert a painful memory into a less-than-painful opportunity to learn.
Learn from the incident
Every remorse-inducing incident is an opportunity to practice learning from remorse. One technique for learning involves noticing what led to the incident. Collecting these observations from multiple incidents can reveal patterns. When Rhett later senses one of these patterns forming, he can take steps to prevent himself from repeating the actions that could lead to feeling remorse.
These observations need not be restricted to his own actions. Rhett can watch others to see how they handle similar situations. Whether or not they're successful, he can harvest lessons.

Although incident-specific workplace remorse does feel bad, often we can choose to look upon it as we would a warning of a less serious kind — a fine for parking a vehicle illegally, or a minor burn from touching something hot. Keep the incident in perspective, take the warning seriously, and learn from it whatever you can. Go to top Top  Next issue: Contribution Misattribution  Next Issue

Go For It: Sometimes It's Easier If You RunLove the work but not the job? Bad boss, long commute, troubling ethical questions, hateful colleague? This ebook looks at what we can do to get more out of life at work. It helps you get moving again! Read Go For It! Sometimes It's Easier If You Run, filled with tips and techniques for putting zing into your work life. Order Now!

Footnotes

Comprehensive list of all citations from all editions of Point Lookout
[McConnel 2018]
Terrance McConnel. "Moral Dilemmas", The Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy (Fall 2018 Edition), Edward N. Zalta (ed.). Available here. Back

Your comments are welcome

Would you like to see your comments posted here? rbrenHoWzUJVeioCfozEIner@ChacbnsTPttsdDaRAswloCanyon.comSend me your comments by email, or by Web form.

About Point Lookout

Thank you for reading this article. I hope you enjoyed it and found it useful, and that you'll consider recommending it to a friend.

Point Lookout is a free weekly email newsletter. Browse the archive of past issues. Subscribe for free.

Support Point Lookout by joining the Friends of Point Lookout, as an individual or as an organization.

Do you face a complex interpersonal situation? Send it in, anonymously if you like, and I'll give you my two cents.

Related articles

More articles on Personal, Team, and Organizational Effectiveness:

Uphill trekSelling Uphill: Before and After
Whether you're a CEO appealing to your Board of Directors, your stockholders or regulators, or a project champion appealing to a senior manager, you have to "sell uphill" from time to time. Persuading decision makers who have some kind of power over us is a challenging task. How can we prepare the way for success now and in the future?
Apple PieGive Me the Bad News First
I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that if you wait long enough, there will be some bad news. The good news is that the good news helps us deal with the bad news. And it helps a lot more if we get the bad news first.
Christ's Indian PaintbrushFour Popular Ways to Mismanage Layoffs: I
When layoffs are necessary, the problems they are meant to address are sometimes exacerbated by mismanagement of the layoff itself. Here is Part I of a discussion of four common patterns of mismanagement, and some suggestions for those managers and other employees who recognize the patterns in their own companies.
Eastern Redcedar in crossection, with white sapwood on the outside edges, and red to deep reddish-brown heartwoodThe Retrospective Funding Problem
If your organization regularly conducts project retrospectives, you're among the very fortunate. Many organizations don't. But even among those that do, retrospectives are often underfunded, conducted by amateurs, or too short. Often, key people "couldn't make it." We can do better than this. What's stopping us?
ClarityBrain Clutter
The capacity of the human mind is astonishing. Our ability to accomplish great things while simultaneously fretting about mountains of trivia is perhaps among the best evidence of that capacity. Just imagine what we could accomplish if we could control the fretting…

See also Personal, Team, and Organizational Effectiveness and Emotions at Work for more related articles.

Forthcoming issues of Point Lookout

A labyrinth. It's a good metaphor for what toxic disrupts try to erect in the path of the group.Coming June 7: Toxic Disrupters: Tactics
Some people tend to disrupt meetings. Their motives vary, but they use techniques drawn from a limited collection. Examples: they violate norms, demand attention, mess with the agenda, and sow distrust. Response begins with recognizing their tactics. Available here and by RSS on June 7.
A wolf pack, probably preparing for a huntAnd on June 14: Pseudo-Collaborations
Most workplace collaborations produce results of value. But some collaborations — pseudo-collaborations — are inherently incapable of producing value, due to performance management systems, or lack of authority, or lack of access to information. Available here and by RSS on June 14.

Coaching services

I offer email and telephone coaching at both corporate and individual rates. Contact Rick for details at rbrenHoWzUJVeioCfozEIner@ChacbnsTPttsdDaRAswloCanyon.com or (650) 787-6475, or toll-free in the continental US at (866) 378-5470.

Get the ebook!

Past issues of Point Lookout are available in six ebooks:

Reprinting this article

Are you a writer, editor or publisher on deadline? Are you looking for an article that will get people talking and get compliments flying your way? You can have 500-1000 words in your inbox in one hour. License any article from this Web site. More info

Follow Rick

Send email or subscribe to one of my newsletters Follow me at LinkedIn Follow me at Twitter, or share a tweet Subscribe to RSS feeds Subscribe to RSS feeds
The message of Point Lookout is unique. Help get the message out. Please donate to help keep Point Lookout available for free to everyone.
Technical Debt for Policymakers BlogMy blog, Technical Debt for Policymakers, offers resources, insights, and conversations of interest to policymakers who are concerned with managing technical debt within their organizations. Get the millstone of technical debt off the neck of your organization!
Go For It: Sometimes It's Easier If You RunBad boss, long commute, troubling ethical questions, hateful colleague? Learn what we can do when we love the work but not the job.
303 Tips for Virtual and Global TeamsLearn how to make your virtual global team sing.
101 Tips for Managing ChangeAre you managing a change effort that faces rampant cynicism, passive non-cooperation, or maybe even outright revolt?
101 Tips for Effective MeetingsLearn how to make meetings more productive — and more rare.
Exchange your "personal trade secrets" — the tips, tricks and techniques that make you an ace — with other aces, anonymously. Visit the Library of Personal Trade Secrets.
If your teams don't yet consistently achieve state-of-the-art teamwork, check out this catalog. Help is just a few clicks/taps away!
Ebooks, booklets and tip books on project management, conflict, writing email, effective meetings and more.