Unintended Condescension: II

In Part I of this exploration of unintended condescension, I provided two examples of phrases that carry a risk of being experienced as condescending. In those two examples, the risk results from the judgments the phrases imply. In this Part II are two more examples, but these carry no implied judgment. As in Part I, I'll use the name Charlotte (for Condescender) to refer to the author or speaker of the condescending remark, and the name Edgar (for Experiencer) to refer to the person to whom Charlotte addresses the remark.

But first let me address an issue raised by several readers who asked about the distinction between condescending remarks and patronizing remarks. The two are very similar, and some people regard the two words as synonyms. Indeed, in terms of their effect on other people, there isn't much difference, but it's worth understanding how patronizing remarks differ from those that are merely condescending.

Briefly, patronizing Patronizing remarks are
condescending, but not all
condescending remarks
are patronizingremarks are condescending, but not all condescending remarks are patronizing. Two factors can make a condescending remark patronizing. One factor is the relative power relationship between Charlotte and Edgar, as viewed by Charlotte. If she regards herself as more powerful socially, or more knowledgeable with respect to the issue at hand, her remark is more likely to be regarded as patronizing, even if Edgar disagrees with her as to her assessment of their relative power or knowledge status.

A second factor is Charlotte's intention to protect, teach, instruct, advise, improve, or guide Edgar. To the extent that her intention is benevolent, even if misguided, her remark is more likely to be regarded as patronizing rather than condescending. When relative power status, knowledge status, and benevolence aren't factors in the scenario, the remark is more likely to be regarded as condescending, and less likely to be regarded as patronizing. Admittedly, this is a general observation; you might encounter different views in your travels.

With that clarification, and that caveat, here are two more patterns of remarks that carry a risk of being experienced as condescending.

Hello Edgar…

Used as a greeting in person or in voicemail, this phrase presents no problems. In person or in voicemail, the speaker can control voice tone, which can effectively prevent unintended condescension in this simple construction. But in text messages or in email, the recipient is in charge of interpreting tone, and some recipients interpret hello greetings as sarcastic.

Sarcasm is a risk because of the common use of the Hello construct as in, "Hello Edgar, this is planet Earth calling, what planet are you on?" Or "Hello, Earth calling Edgar, please acknowledge." Charlotte tends to use these sarcastic idioms when she wants to imply that Edgar isn't paying attention to the conversation, or that he has said something Charlotte regards as wrong or foolish on its face. There are dozens of these "earth-to-someone" variants. So many of them include the word "Hello" that the word has acquired an association that creates a risk when we use it in textual communication.

To be safer, Charlotte can use "Hi" instead of "Hello," or simply omit the "Hello."

It worked fine when I tried it

This construction is commonly used when Edgar has reported difficulty with some procedure, often involving electronic devices. Charlotte uses this construction, or any of its similar cousins, to convey the idea that she was unable to reproduce the problematic behavior Edgar is reporting.

The problem with this form is the phrase "when I tried it." Using this phrase risks having Edgar interpret the comment as equivalent to, "You idiot, *I* made it work — why can't you?" This happens because Charlotte is reporting her success, as compared to trying to understand why the device didn't work for Edgar. In other words, Edgar experiences Charlotte's report as if she were stating that she is superior to Edgar.

A safer alternative for Charlotte would be to report her failure to reproduce the problematic behavior: "That's weird, Edgar, I couldn't make it fail like that."

With these two patterns added, we now have four in our little catalog of comments that carry a significant risk of being interpreted as condescending. There are surely dozens more. One that comes to mind is what is commonly called "backdoor bragging." How many more do you know? Send them along and I'll post them. If you can't think of any right now, be on the lookout — they'll come along. First in this series   Top    Next Issue

Are you fed up with tense, explosive meetings? Are you or a colleague the target of a bully? Destructive conflict can ruin organizations. But if we believe that all conflict is destructive, and that we can somehow eliminate conflict, or that conflict is an enemy of productivity, then we're in conflict with Conflict itself. Read 101 Tips for Managing Conflict to learn how to make peace with conflict and make it an organizational asset. Order Now!

Your comments are welcome

About Point Lookout

Thank you for reading this article. I hope you enjoyed it and found it useful, and that you'll consider recommending it to a friend.

Point Lookout is a free weekly email newsletter. Browse the archive of past issues. Subscribe for free.

Support Point Lookout by joining the Friends of Point Lookout, as an individual or as an organization.

Do you face a complex interpersonal situation? Send it in, anonymously if you like, and I'll give you my two cents.

Related articles

More articles on Conflict Management:

Changing the Subject: II

Sometimes, in conversation, we must change the subject, but we also do it to dominate, manipulate, or assert power. Subject changing — and controlling its use — can be important political skills.

Stalking the Elephant in the Room: I

The expression "the elephant in the room" describes the thought that most of us are thinking, and none of us dare discuss. Usually, we believe that in avoidance lies personal safety. But free-ranging elephants present intolerable risks to both the organization and its people.

So You Want the Bullying to End: I

If you're the target of a workplace bully, you probably want the bullying to end. If you've ever been the target of a workplace bully, you probably remember wanting it to end. But how it ends can be more important than whether or when it ends.

Patterns of Conflict Escalation: II

When simple workplace disagreements evolve into workplace warfare, they often do so following recognizable patterns. If we can recognize the patterns early, we can intervene to prevent serious damage to relationships. Here's Part II of a catalog of some of those patterns.

Backstabbing

Much of what we call backstabbing is actually just straightforward attack — nasty, unethical, even evil, but not backstabbing. What is backstabbing?

See also Conflict Management and Effective Communication at Work for more related articles.

Forthcoming issues of Point Lookout

Coming August 4: What Are the Chances: I

When estimating the probabilities of success of different strategies, we must often estimate the probability of multiple events occurring. People make a common mistake when forming such estimates. They assume that events are independent when they are not. Available here and by RSS on August 4.

And on August 11: Many "Stupid" Questions Aren't

Occasionally someone asks a question that causes us to think, "Now that's a stupid question." Rarely is that assessment correct. Knowing what alternative assessments are possible can help us respond more effectively in the moment. Available here and by RSS on August 11.

Coaching services

I offer email and telephone coaching at both corporate and individual rates. Contact Rick for details at rbrenXEiRBfuFHUtjHrqUner@ChacpYPvvSVhUNIOeXHKoCanyon.com or (650) 787-6475, or toll-free in the continental US at (866) 378-5470.

Get the ebook!

Past issues of Point Lookout are available in six ebooks:

• Get 2001-2 in Geese Don't Land on Twigs (PDF, )
• Get 2003-4 in Why Dogs Wag (PDF, )
• Get 2005-6 in Loopy Things We Do (PDF, )
• Get 2007-8 in Things We Believe That Maybe Aren't So True (PDF, )
• Get 2009-10 in The Questions Not Asked (PDF, )
• Get all of the first twelve years (2001-2012) in The Collected Issues of Point Lookout (PDF, )

Are you a writer, editor or publisher on deadline? Are you looking for an article that will get people talking and get compliments flying your way? You can have 500-1000 words in your inbox in one hour. License any article from this Web site. More info

Public seminars

The Power Affect: How We Express Our Personal Power

Many people who possess real organizational power have a characteristic demeanor. It's the way they project their presence. I call this the power affect. Some people — call them power pretenders — adopt the power affect well before they attain significant organizational power. Unfortunately for their colleagues, and for their organizations, power pretenders can attain organizational power out of proportion to their merit or abilities. Understanding the power affect is therefore important for anyone who aims to attain power, or anyone who works with power pretenders. Read more about this program.

• A recording of a program presented June 29, 2017, Monthly Webinar, sponsored by Technobility Webinar Series. PMI members can earn 1.0 Category 'A' PDU by viewing this program. View this program now.
   
• A recording of a program presented June 29, 2017, Monthly Webinar, sponsored by Technobility Webinar Series. PMI members can earn 1.0 Category 'A' PDU by viewing this program. View this program now.
   

Bullet Points: Mastery or Madness?

Decision makers in modern organizations commonly demand briefings in the form of bullet points or a series of series of bullet points. But this form of presentation has limited value for complex decisions. We need something more. We actually need to think. Briefers who combine the bullet-point format with a variety of persuasion techniques can mislead decision makers, guiding them into making poor decisions. Read more about this program.

• A recording of a program presented June 24, 2020, Monthly Webinar, sponsored by Technobility Webinar Series. PMI members can earn 1.0 Category 'A' PDU by viewing this program. View this program now.
   
• A recording of a program presented June 24, 2020, Monthly Webinar, sponsored by Technobility Webinar Series. PMI members can earn 1.0 Category 'A' PDU by viewing this program. View this program now.