Unintended Condescension: II

In Part I of this exploration of unintended condescension, I provided two examples of phrases that carry a risk of being experienced as condescending. In those two examples, the risk results from the judgments the phrases imply. In this Part II are two more examples, but these carry no implied judgment. As in Part I, I'll use the name Charlotte (for Condescender) to refer to the author or speaker of the condescending remark, and the name Edgar (for Experiencer) to refer to the person to whom Charlotte addresses the remark.

But first let me address an issue raised by several readers who asked about the distinction between condescending remarks and patronizing remarks. The two are very similar, and some people regard the two words as synonyms. Indeed, in terms of their effect on other people, there isn't much difference, but it's worth understanding how patronizing remarks differ from those that are merely condescending.

Briefly, patronizing Patronizing remarks are
condescending, but not all
condescending remarks
are patronizingremarks are condescending, but not all condescending remarks are patronizing. Two factors can make a condescending remark patronizing. One factor is the relative power relationship between Charlotte and Edgar, as viewed by Charlotte. If she regards herself as more powerful socially, or more knowledgeable with respect to the issue at hand, her remark is more likely to be regarded as patronizing, even if Edgar disagrees with her as to her assessment of their relative power or knowledge status.

A second factor is Charlotte's intention to protect, teach, instruct, advise, improve, or guide Edgar. To the extent that her intention is benevolent, even if misguided, her remark is more likely to be regarded as patronizing rather than condescending. When relative power status, knowledge status, and benevolence aren't factors in the scenario, the remark is more likely to be regarded as condescending, and less likely to be regarded as patronizing. Admittedly, this is a general observation; you might encounter different views in your travels.

With that clarification, and that caveat, here are two more patterns of remarks that carry a risk of being experienced as condescending.

Hello Edgar…

Used as a greeting in person or in voicemail, this phrase presents no problems. In person or in voicemail, the speaker can control voice tone, which can effectively prevent unintended condescension in this simple construction. But in text messages or in email, the recipient is in charge of interpreting tone, and some recipients interpret hello greetings as sarcastic.

Sarcasm is a risk because of the common use of the Hello construct as in, "Hello Edgar, this is planet Earth calling, what planet are you on?" Or "Hello, Earth calling Edgar, please acknowledge." Charlotte tends to use these sarcastic idioms when she wants to imply that Edgar isn't paying attention to the conversation, or that he has said something Charlotte regards as wrong or foolish on its face. There are dozens of these "earth-to-someone" variants. So many of them include the word "Hello" that the word has acquired an association that creates a risk when we use it in textual communication.

To be safer, Charlotte can use "Hi" instead of "Hello," or simply omit the "Hello."

It worked fine when I tried it

This construction is commonly used when Edgar has reported difficulty with some procedure, often involving electronic devices. Charlotte uses this construction, or any of its similar cousins, to convey the idea that she was unable to reproduce the problematic behavior Edgar is reporting.

The problem with this form is the phrase "when I tried it." Using this phrase risks having Edgar interpret the comment as equivalent to, "You idiot, *I* made it work — why can't you?" This happens because Charlotte is reporting her success, as compared to trying to understand why the device didn't work for Edgar. In other words, Edgar experiences Charlotte's report as if she were stating that she is superior to Edgar.

A safer alternative for Charlotte would be to report her failure to reproduce the problematic behavior: "That's weird, Edgar, I couldn't make it fail like that."

With these two patterns added, we now have four in our little catalog of comments that carry a significant risk of being interpreted as condescending. There are surely dozens more. One that comes to mind is what is commonly called "backdoor bragging." How many more do you know? Send them along and I'll post them. If you can't think of any right now, be on the lookout — they'll come along. First in this series   Top    Next Issue

Are you fed up with tense, explosive meetings? Are you or a colleague the target of a bully? Destructive conflict can ruin organizations. But if we believe that all conflict is destructive, and that we can somehow eliminate conflict, or that conflict is an enemy of productivity, then we're in conflict with Conflict itself. Read 101 Tips for Managing Conflict to learn how to make peace with conflict and make it an organizational asset. Order Now!

Your comments are welcome

About Point Lookout

Thank you for reading this article. I hope you enjoyed it and found it useful, and that you'll consider recommending it to a friend.

This article in its entirety was written by a human being. No machine intelligence was involved in any way.

Point Lookout is a free weekly email newsletter. Browse the archive of past issues. Subscribe for free.

Support Point Lookout by joining the Friends of Point Lookout, as an individual or as an organization.

Do you face a complex interpersonal situation? Send it in, anonymously if you like, and I'll give you my two cents.

Related articles

More articles on Conflict Management:

The Perils of Political Praise

Political Praise is any public statement, praising (most often) an individual, and including a characterization of the individual or the individual's deeds, and which spins or distorts in such a way that it advances the praiser's own political agenda, possibly at the expense of the one praised.

Agenda Despots: I

Many of us abhor meetings. Words like boring, silly, and waste come to mind. But for some meeting chairs, meetings aren't boring at all, because they fear losing control of the agenda. To maintain control, they use the techniques of the Agenda Despots.

Quasi-Narcissistic Quasi-Subordinates

One troublesome kind of workplace collaboration includes those that combine people of varied professions and ranks for a specific short-term mission. Many work well, but when one of the group members displays quasi-narcissistic behaviors, trouble looms.

Rescheduling: the Politics of Choice

When the current project schedule no longer leads to acceptable results, we must reschedule. When we reschedule, organizational politics can determine the choices we make. Those choices can make the difference between success and a repeat of failure.

On Substituting for a Star

Newcomers to work groups have three tasks: to meet and get to know incumbent group members; to gain their trust; and to learn about the group's task and how to contribute to accomplishing it. All can be difficult; all are made even more difficult when the newcomer is substituting for a star.

See also Conflict Management for more related articles.

Forthcoming issues of Point Lookout

Coming June 25: Meandering Monologues in Meetings: Engagement

In a meeting, a meandering monologue has taken over when someone speaks at length with no sign of coming to a clear point, and little of evident value. This behavior reduces engagement on the part of other attendees, thereby limiting the meeting's value to the organization. Available here and by RSS on June 25.

And on July 2: The True Costs of Contractors

Among the more commonly cited reasons for hiring contractors instead of direct employees is cost savings. But are these savings real? Direct compensation, including perks and benefits, might favor the contractor arrangement, but indirect costs tell another story. Available here and by RSS on July 2.

Coaching services

I offer email and telephone coaching at both corporate and individual rates. Contact Rick for details at rbrenaXXxGCwVgbgLZDuRner@ChacDjdMAATPdDNJnrSwoCanyon.com or (650) 787-6475, or toll-free in the continental US at (866) 378-5470.

Get the ebook!

Past issues of Point Lookout are available in six ebooks:

• Get 2001-2 in Geese Don't Land on Twigs (PDF, )
• Get 2003-4 in Why Dogs Wag (PDF, )
• Get 2005-6 in Loopy Things We Do (PDF, )
• Get 2007-8 in Things We Believe That Maybe Aren't So True (PDF, )
• Get 2009-10 in The Questions Not Asked (PDF, )
• Get all of the first twelve years (2001-2012) in The Collected Issues of Point Lookout (PDF, )

Are you a writer, editor or publisher on deadline? Are you looking for an article that will get people talking and get compliments flying your way? You can have 500-1000 words in your inbox in one hour. License any article from this Web site. More info