Rosa knew where this was going as well as anybody did — no place she wanted to go. They all sat in silence while Lambert angrily repeated his question: "Just when do you think you'll get this thing back on track?" You didn't cross Lambert when he got like this.
Will sat quietly for a moment, trying to figure out the right answer. He looked at Rosa. "Three weeks maybe?"
Rosa knew that Will knew it was impossible. She shrugged. "We could try," she replied.
Will and Rosa are coping with Lambert's outrageous behavior in the best way they know — they're placating him. Lambert is coping with the bad news he has received in the best way he knows — by blaming.
Of the many models of human coping, I favor one developed by Virginia Satir, and elaborated by others. In one version, the model has eight basic styles, of which only one, congruence, takes into account the three fundamental elements of our reality: the Self, the Other, and the larger Context. Because congruent coping has balanced regard for all three elements, it's best suited for developing a sound response.
Effective coping requires
a balanced perception
of RealityWhen we cope in any other way, we're responding on the basis of a distorted representation of reality. For instance, we might be giving too much weight to ourselves, or too little to the larger context. When we depend on distorted perceptions, we're on the path to trouble.
Learning to identify coping styles is a good first step toward congruence. Here are some of the eight styles, with illustrations of how someone using each style would deal with bad news on a project.
- The whole thing is probably our fault. I hope that the problem goes away, or that someone else solves it.
- Whatever happened, it's not our fault. It's theirs. To fix it, we'll need more resources, and if we don't get what we need, it will be management's fault.
- In the Hating form: There you go again, up to your old tricks. In the Loving form: Thank goodness you're around. Whatever you say must be right.
- We must deliver on time, no matter what it takes — 15-hour days, weekends, whatever. Make it so.
- Let's rearrange the deck chairs.
- Hmmm, bad news. Let's get some answers: What will it take to correct the problem? Will we need to change the schedule? The budget? Did we miss some early warning signs?
Over the next month or so, problems will surely arise where you work, and people will cope. Categorize the coping styles you observe. The patterns you notice might help you cope congruently more often. That way you'll be coping with the problem, rather than with the problems of your coping. Top Next Issue
To read more about organizational coping styles, check out "Organizational Coping Patterns"
For more about managing pressure, see the series that begins with "Managing Pressure: Communications and Expectations," Point Lookout for December 13, 2006.
Are you fed up with tense, explosive meetings? Are you or a colleague the target of a bully? Destructive conflict can ruin organizations. But if we believe that all conflict is destructive, and that we can somehow eliminate conflict, or that conflict is an enemy of productivity, then we're in conflict with Conflict itself. Read 101 Tips for Managing Conflict to learn how to make peace with conflict and make it an organizational asset. Order Now!
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More articles on Emotions at Work:
- Ethical Influence: I
- Influencing others can be difficult. Even more difficult is defining a set of approaches to influencing
that almost all of us consider ethical. Here's a framework that makes a good starting point.
- On Virtual Relationships
- Whether or not you work as part of a virtual team, you probably work with some people you rarely meet
face-to-face. And there are some people you've never met, and probably never will. What does it take
to maintain good working relationships with people you rarely meet?
- Teamwork Myths: I vs. We
- In high performance teams, cooperative behavior is a given. But in the experience of many, truly cooperative
behavior is so rare that they believe that something fundamental is at work — that cooperative
behavior requires surrendering the self, which most people are unwilling to do. It's another teamwork myth.
- Good Change, Bad Change: II
- When we distinguish good change from bad, we often get it wrong: we favor things that would harm us,
and shun things that would help. When we do get it wrong, we're sometimes misled by social factors.
- Toxic Conflict in Teams: Attacks
- In toxic conflict, people try to resolve their differences by eliminating each other's ability to provide
opposition. In the early stages of toxic conflict, the attacks often escape notice. Here's a catalog
of covert attack tactics.
Forthcoming issues of Point Lookout
- Coming July 25: Exploiting Functional Fixedness: II
- A cognitive bias called functional fixedness causes difficulty in recognizing new uses for familiar things. It also makes for difficulty in recognizing devious uses of everyday behaviors. Here's Part II of a catalog of deviousness based on functional fixedness. Available here and by RSS on July 25.
- And on August 1: Strategies of Verbal Abusers
- Verbal abuse at work has special properties, because it takes place in an environment in which verbal abuse is supposedly proscribed. Yet verbal abuse does happen at work. Here are three strategies abusers rely on to avoid disciplinary action. Available here and by RSS on August 1.
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- The Power Affect: How We Express Our Personal Power
- Many people who possess real organizational power have a characteristic demeanor. It's the way they project their presence. I call this the power affect. Some people — call them power pretenders — adopt the power affect well before they attain significant organizational power. Unfortunately for their colleagues, and for their organizations, power pretenders can attain organizational power out of proportion to their merit or abilities. Understanding the power affect is therefore important for anyone who aims to attain power, or anyone who works with power pretenders. Read more about this program.