Point Lookout: a free weekly publication of Chaco Canyon Consulting
Volume 8, Issue 27;   July 2, 2008: Peace's Pieces

Peace's Pieces

by

Just as important as keeping the peace with your colleagues is making peace again when it has been broken by strife. Nations have peace treaties. People make up. Here are some tips for making up.

In modern, fluid society, when toxic conflict corrodes relationships, we're often more likely to move on than to patch things up. But as we have become more specialized professionally, our worlds have shrunk. And as you move up in the organizational hierarchy, the number of places to which you can move declines. For many, moving on is no longer as easy as it once was.

Archbishop Desmond Tutu, chairman of the Truth and Reconciliation Commission of the Union of South Africa

Archbishop Desmond Tutu, chairman of the Truth and Reconciliation Commission of the Union of South Africa. The TRC is widely regarded as having been responsible for guiding the nation along a path from truly toxic conflict to peace, following the end of Apartheid. The principles they created and followed have provided a model for truth commissions around the world. Person-to-person reconciliation is more intimate than national reconciliation, and in many ways, more complex, but the TRC model is still a valuable and inspiring guide. Read more about South Africa's reconciliation experience. Photo courtesy Mogale City, South Africa (Tutu's home town).

Between people, coming to peace after heated, venomous disagreements is a valuable, if undervalued, skill. How can you come to peace if you're engaged in a long-running feud with another? Here are some suggestions.

Have realistic expectations
Sometimes we can't imagine ever getting back to comity, and even if you would like to, it might not be possible. But go as far as you can for today, and building on that, strive to go a little further tomorrow.
Build on mutual respect
Each party must find a way to respect the other. It isn't really peace if one side grovels while the other triumphs. Such a peace is just war continued by other means.
Acknowledge what's happened
You can't undo what's happened. Your experiences were real. Instead of denying the past, find ways to acknowledge the truth of what happened between you, as honestly as you can. Truth is essential to forward progress.
Realize that Now is not Then
Work together to find a path that works for Now. Agree that whatever happened in the past happened Then, and that it isn't happening Now.
Consider your Self
Whatever path you find has to fit for both of you, and one of you is your Self. Value your integrity and your sense of ethics. Trying to walk a path that you simply cannot walk doesn't work. Forge an agreement you can live with.
Honor confidentiality
Confidentiality between
the two of you can
provide a strong bond
How the two of you work out your difficulties is your own business. Offer (and ask for) confidentiality if you need it. Confidentiality between the two of you can provide a strong bond that can be part of the basis for going forward together.
Look for the amazing
Find things you each can contribute to build a strong foundation for your new relationship. Use the amazing test: if you were a third party, and you somehow found out the terms of the new agreement, would you be amazed at its inventiveness and mutual generosity of spirit?
Apply the durability test
Try to build an enduring relationship. If you cannot imagine a peace enduring for a year on the basis you're about to agree to, it won't last. Make the foundation stronger.

Peace is more achievable if you both focus on what you can gain, both individually and together. On your own, maintaining that focus can be difficult. Consider the possibility of asking for help from a neutral third party. Go to top Top  Next issue: Approval Ploys  Next Issue

101 Tips for Managing Conflict Are you fed up with tense, explosive meetings? Are you or a colleague the target of a bully? Destructive conflict can ruin organizations. But if we believe that all conflict is destructive, and that we can somehow eliminate conflict, or that conflict is an enemy of productivity, then we're in conflict with Conflict itself. Read 101 Tips for Managing Conflict to learn how to make peace with conflict and make it an organizational asset. Order Now!

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Related articles

More articles on Conflict Management:

A lizardfish in a typical poseStonewalling: I
Stonewalling is a tactic of obstruction used by those who wish to stall the forward progress of some effort. Whether the effort is a rival project, an investigation, or just the work of a colleague, the stonewaller hopes to gain advantage. What can you do about stonewalling?
Comparison of energy consumption of compact fluorescent bulbs with incandescent bulbsWhat Insubordinate Nonsubordinates Want: II
When you're responsible for an organizational function, and someone not reporting to you won't recognize your authority, or doesn't comply with policies you rightfully established, you have a hard time carrying out your responsibilities. Why does this happen?
U.S. Troops in Viet Nam, 1961-1968Patterns of Conflict Escalation: II
When simple workplace disagreements evolve into workplace warfare, they often do so following recognizable patterns. If we can recognize the patterns early, we can intervene to prevent serious damage to relationships. Here's Part II of a catalog of some of those patterns.
Horseshoe Lake in Shaker Heights, OhioWhen You Feel Attacked
Verbal attacks might be upsetting, but in creative conflicts they're usually permissible if related to substantive matters. When verbal attacks are personal, they can be unfair and illegitimate. The ability to recenter yourself quickly is invaluable.
A jumbled jigsaw puzzleToxic Disrupters: Responses
Some people tend to disrupt meetings. Their motives vary, but their techniques are predictable. If we've identified someone as using these techniques we have available a set of effective actions that can guide him or her toward a more productive role.

See also Conflict Management for more related articles.

Forthcoming issues of Point Lookout

Mark Twain in 1907Coming July 16: Responding to Unwelcome Events
Unwelcome events have two kinds of effects on decision-makers. One set of effects appears as we respond to events that have actually occurred. Another set manifests itself as we prepare for unwelcome events that haven't yet occurred, but which might occur. Making a wrong decision in either case can be costly. Available here and by RSS on July 16.
A USA road sign indicating a winding road ahead, with an initial curve to the rightAnd on July 23: Microdelegation
Microdelegation is a style of delegation in which the delegator unintentionally communicates the task to the subordinate in such detail and so repetitively that the subordinate is offended. As a result of this delegation style, many subordinates feel distrusted or suspected of fraud or goldbricking. Available here and by RSS on July 23.

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