Narcissistic Behavior at Work: V

Divisiveness, jealousy, and openly toxic conflict are the almost inevitable results of accommodating narcissistic behavior at work. Although accommodation might seem to be the easiest and quickest way around the misbehavior, the immediate "advantages" of accommodation are overwhelmed by its less immediate but far more costly disadvantages. As a reminder, the behaviors and attitudes typically regarded as narcissistic are these:

• Expresses exaggerated self-importance
• Preoccupied with superiority fantasies
• Believes that he or she is special and that only special people or institutions can fully appreciate that specialness
• Constantly demands attention and admiration from others
• Expects and demands favorable treatment
• Exploits others for personal ends
• Displays ruthless disregard for the feelings of others
• Envies others or believes that others envy him or her
• Is off-the-charts arrogant

For convenience in this series, I've been referring to the person exhibiting narcissistic behaviors and attitudes as either Nick or Nora. In this part, it's Nora.

Let's have a closer look at the fifth item above: expecting and demanding favorable treatment, which is often the immediate precursor to accommodating behavior on the part of others.

Illustrations

Most of us believe that we deserve some level of respectful treatment as human beings. That sense of entitlement crosses into the narcissistic when we feel that we deserve a special level of respectful treatment — at all times and in all circumstances beyond what others deserve, solely because of our own specialness.

For example, when Nora presents her work to her team, she resents any attempt by others to comment upon it or evaluate it. Her attitude is that she produced it, and therefore it isn't subject to comment by anyone else. She even resents comments like "Nice job, Nora," because she holds that her teammates aren't qualified to judge her work. Nobody really is.

At performance review time, many of her reviews of her subordinates are late and perfunctory, because she's "too busy right now" with more important work. Her own performance review is a different matter. After her supervisor presents it to her, she demands that some material be added and other material be revised or deleted. And when her supervisor objects, she presses hard over several meetings until her supervisor finally relents.

Description

Favorable treatment is perhaps too weak a term for what Nora expects. She wants to be treated as if there were special rules and policies that apply only to her. When she feels the need for exceptions even to those special rules, those exceptions should be granted. These demands transcend formal policy. They extend to all personal relationships. For example, she demands the right to interrupt anyone who's speaking, and the right to enter any conversation between other people whenever she wants to.

She makes these demands and has these expectations because she does actually want what she says she wants. But it's more than that. By gaining favorable treatment, she confirms her view of her own specialness. When favorable treatment isn't forthcoming, she interprets that as an assault on her specialness. Her response seems disproportionate to most people, because they tend to gauge her demands with respect to what she's demanding. But what matters most to Nora isn't what she's demanding — it is validation of her view of her own specialness.

Organizational risks

Accommodating By gaining favorable treatment,
Nora confirms her view of
her own specialnessNora's demands for favorable treatment inherently produces unfair treatment across the group population. Accommodation creates problems at two levels: personal and organizational.

She demands more than she receives, and she regards as worthless anyone who fails to accede to her demands. In some cases she seeks retribution for these failures. On the other hand, she briefly lavishes attention and favors on those who do meet her demands, not as repayment, but to demonstrate to others that meeting her demands is preferable to failing to do so.

At the organizational level, Nora's favorable treatment creates problems for data management and for personnel management. Any data management process that must deal with Nora's anomalous data deliveries produces unreliable output. Her data deliverables arrive out of sync with the deliverables of others. They differ in quality and format. Most maddeningly, her deliverables might arrive in media that differ from the expected form: verbal instead of email, or MS Word instead of the standard Oracle form. These variations make data compilation difficult.

When Nora's co-workers learn of Nora's special treatment, resentments are almost inevitable. These resentments are fuel for toxic conflict, by processes analogous to the results of her demands for attention and admiration. But they do something more. Upon learning of Nora's favorable treatment, some of Nora's co-workers try to reduce the gaps and non-uniformities in treatment by demanding favorable treatment for themselves. One consequence is increasing incidence of non-uniformities in data deliverables.

Coping tactics

As Nora's supervisor, you're the most likely target when Nora seeks favorable treatment. If you've been accommodating her, immediate cessation is likely to cause real trouble. She might file grievances against you for any kind of mistreatment that she feels might be credible. For your own safety, be certain that your house is in order before you make any changes. When you do end the favorable treatment, be prepared with sound reasons based on her performance shortcomings. If you haven't yet accommodated her demands for favorable treatment, don't start.

As Nora's co-worker, if you notice that she's receiving favorable treatment from others, there isn't much you can do. If you choose not to accommodate her demands yourself, be prepared for attacks. When attacked, keep in mind that counterattacks are more likely to deter future attacks than any defensive moves would be.

Next time, I'll examine narcissistic exploitation of others for personal ends. First in this series  Next in this series  Top    Next Issue

Is every other day a tense, anxious, angry misery as you watch people around you, who couldn't even think their way through a game of Jacks, win at workplace politics and steal the credit and glory for just about everyone's best work including yours? Read 303 Secrets of Workplace Politics, filled with tips and techniques for succeeding in workplace politics. More info

Your comments are welcome

About Point Lookout

Thank you for reading this article. I hope you enjoyed it and found it useful, and that you'll consider recommending it to a friend.

Point Lookout is a free weekly email newsletter. Browse the archive of past issues. Subscribe for free.

Support Point Lookout by joining the Friends of Point Lookout, as an individual or as an organization.

Do you face a complex interpersonal situation? Send it in, anonymously if you like, and I'll give you my two cents.

Related articles

More articles on Workplace Politics:

Plopping

When we offer a contribution to a discussion, and everyone ignores it and moves on, we sometimes feel that our contribution has "plopped." We feel devalued. Rarely is this interpretation correct. What is going on?

The High Cost of Low Trust: I

We usually think of Trust as one of those soft qualities that we would all like our organizational cultures to have. Yet, truly paying attention to Trust at work is rare, in part, because we don't fully appreciate what distrust really costs. Here are some of the ways we pay for low trust.

About Workplace Hugs

In the past twenty years in the United States, we've changed from a relatively hug-free workplace culture to one that, in some quarters, seems to be experiencing a hugging tsunami. Knowing how to deal with hugging is now a valuable skill.

A Critique of Criticism: I

Whether we call it "criticism" or "feedback," the receiver can sometimes experience pain, even when the giver didn't intend harm. How does this happen? What can givers of feedback do to increase the chance that the receiver hears the giver's message without experiencing pain?

The End-to-End Cost of Meetings: I

By now, most of us realize how expensive meetings are. Um, well, maybe not. Here's a look at some of the most-often overlooked costs of meetings.

See also Workplace Politics and Devious Political Tactics for more related articles.

Forthcoming issues of Point Lookout

Coming April 24: Big, Complicated Problems

Big, complicated problems can be difficult to solve. Even contemplating them can be daunting. But we can survive them if we get advice we can trust, know our resources, recall solutions to past problems, find workarounds, or as a last resort, escape. Available here and by RSS on April 24.

And on May 1: Full Disclosure

The term "full disclosure" is now a fairly common phrase, especially in news interviews and in film and fiction thrillers involving government employees or attorneys. It also has relevance in the knowledge workplace, and nuances associated with it can affect your credibility. Available here and by RSS on May 1.

Coaching services

I offer email and telephone coaching at both corporate and individual rates. Contact Rick for details at rbrenIUlvoUBbunlALwEJner@ChacAwxAaTRinBQzGjcUoCanyon.com or (650) 787-6475, or toll-free in the continental US at (866) 378-5470.

Get the ebook!

Past issues of Point Lookout are available in six ebooks:

• Get 2001-2 in Geese Don't Land on Twigs (PDF, USD 11.95)
• Get 2003-4 in Why Dogs Wag (PDF, USD 11.95)
• Get 2005-6 in Loopy Things We Do (PDF, USD 11.95)
• Get 2007-8 in Things We Believe That Maybe Aren't So True (PDF, USD 11.95)
• Get 2009-10 in The Questions Not Asked (PDF, USD 11.95)
• Get all of the first twelve years (2001-2012) in The Collected Issues of Point Lookout (PDF, USD 28.99)

Are you a writer, editor or publisher on deadline? Are you looking for an article that will get people talking and get compliments flying your way? You can have 500 words in your inbox in one hour. License any article from this Web site. More info

Public seminars

The Power Affect: How We Express Our Personal Power

Many people who possess real organizational power have a characteristic demeanor. It's the way they project their presence. I call this the power affect. Some people — call them power pretenders — adopt the power affect well before they attain significant organizational power. Unfortunately for their colleagues, and for their organizations, power pretenders can attain organizational power out of proportion to their merit or abilities. Understanding the power affect is therefore important for anyone who aims to attain power, or anyone who works with power pretenders. Read more about this program.

• A recording of a program presented 6:00 PM June 29 (Eastern Time), Monthly Webinar, Technobility Webinar Series. You can earn 1.0 Category 'A' PDU by viewing this program. View this program now.