Gaslighting is a tactic employed by verbal abusers to cause their targets to question their reality. [Cukor 1944] [Barash 2018] Technically speaking, few verbal abusers at work actually gaslight their targets. But when workplace abusers are at their most effective, they do manipulate their targets into believing that their options for response are limited to either finding a new job, or accepting further abuse.
Many targets of verbal abusers have another option: they can deter further abuse by responding in ways that express their personal power. But some don't recognize this choice because they've accepted the framework established by their abusers. By carefully choosing timing, setting, and tone for their attacks, abusers manipulate the minds of their targets, who see no opportunity for response in the moment, and then begin to believe that there is never any opportunity for response.
Strategically choosing timing, setting, and tone, as their abusers do, is an approach targets can use to find opportunities to respond with personal power. Consider this example. The abuser has chosen a private setting (See "Strategies of Verbal Abusers," Point Lookout for August 1, 2018) for the attack, and delivered the following comment in a stern, humorless tone:
We gave you this assignment because we wanted you to fail.
How can one respond to such a blatantly offensive remark? "You moronic jerk!" somehow lacks the impact required. Indeed, name-calling in general is a rather weak response.
To devise a more powerful response, begin by remembering that abusers choose timing, setting, and tone for their attacks. To respond in the moment is to accept the timing and setting. In this case, because the setting is private, a response in the moment might be feasible.
But must we Strategically choosing timing
setting, and tone, as their
abusers do, is an approach
targets can use to find
opportunities to respond
with personal poweradopt the abuser's tone? Is a serious, malicious tone likely to provide advantage to the target? Since the abuser chose a serious, malicious tone, it's likely that he or she is prepared for a response in kind. Something different is called for. To change the tone, try wit, with a slight bite, and humorous twinkle in the eye — if you can pull it off. For example:
[Abuser, to Target]: We gave you this assignment because we wanted you to fail.
[Target, to Abuser, with a twinkle in the eye, and a broad smile]: And I accepted the assignment because I was certain I would disappoint you.
Delivering a response with humor, wit, and twinkle in the eye can be effective, but there are risks. Unless delivered with care, it can border on flirtatiousness. If the verbal abuser might interpret twinkle-eyed humor that way, hold back a bit. A response like the following is powerful, yet neither flirtatious nor insubordinate:
[Abuser, to Target]: I want you to think about your career in terms of never being promoted.
[Target, to Abuser, with a slightly fainter twinkle in the eye]: Sorry; I can't do that. But it's my intention for you to think about my career in terms of never wanting to hold me back.
Expressing personal power has two beneficial effects. First, it tells the abuser that the target is unlikely to lose composure, even before witnesses. Because attacking a target who won't lose composure can be risky, expressing personal power deters abusers.
Second, expressing personal power enhances personal power. Making powerful statements can actually make you feel more powerful. And because others also assess you as more powerful, you're safer from attack. You begin to sense the reality that the more powerful you feel, the less likely you are to be attacked by verbal abusers.
But that sense of power comes with a risk. Some targets seek revenge against their abusers, or possibly justice. They want their abusers pay a price for their past transgressions. That's unlikely, in most cases. Assuming that revenge or penalty for the abuser is unlikely, the point of any response to verbal abuse is to convince the abuser to find a different target. Maintaining one's composure, while delivering wit and a little humor, can accomplish that. No guarantees, of course. First in this series Top Next Issue
Is a workplace bully targeting you? Do you know what to do to end the bullying? Workplace bullying is so widespread that a 2014 survey indicated that 27% of American workers have experienced bullying firsthand, that 21% have witnessed it, and that 72% are aware that bullying happens. Yet, there are few laws to protect workers from bullies, and bullying is not a crime in most jurisdictions. 101 Tips for Targets of Workplace Bullies is filled with the insights targets of bullying need to find a way to survive, and then to finally end the bullying. Also available at Apple's iTunes store! Just . Order Now!
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More articles on Workplace Bullying:
- Meeting Bullies: Advice for Chairs
- Bullying in meetings is difficult to address, because intervention in the moment is inherently public.
When bullying happens in meetings, what can you do?
- Rapid-Fire Attacks
- Someone asks you a question. Within seconds of starting to reply, you're hit with another question,
or a rejection of your reply. Abusively. The pattern repeats. And repeats again. And again. You're being
attacked. What can you do?
- Manipulators Beware
- When manipulators try to manipulate others, they're attempting to unscrupulously influence their targets
to decide or act in some way the manipulators prefer. But some targets manage to outwit their manipulators.
- Judging Others
- Being "judgmental" is a stance most people recognize as transgressing beyond widely accepted
social norms. But what's the harm in judging others? And why do so many people do it so often?
- Unrecognized Bullying: I
- Much workplace bullying goes unrecognized. Three reasons: (a) conventional definitions of bullying exclude
much actual bullying; (b) perpetrators cleverly evade detection; and (c) cognitive biases skew our perceptions
so we don't see some bullying as bullying.
Forthcoming issues of Point Lookout
- Coming October 4: Self-Importance and Conversational Narcissism at Work: I
- Conversational narcissism is a set of behaviors that participants use to focus the exchange on their own self-interest rather than the shared objective. This post emphasizes the role of these behaviors in advancing a narcissist's sense of self-importance. Available here and by RSS on October 4.
- And on October 11: Self-Importance and Conversational Narcissism at Work: II
- Self-importance is one of four major themes of conversational narcissism. Knowing how to recognize the patterns of conversational narcissism is a fundamental skill needed for controlling it. Here are eight examples that emphasize self-importance. Available here and by RSS on October 11.
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