The act of connecting with others, or as Satir would say, making contact [Satir 1976], is "kryptonite" for conversational narcissists. They avoid it, and when they can't avoid making contact, they act to limit its duration and effects. They do engage in interpersonal interaction, but they limit its intimacy by engaging in ways that most would experience as off-putting.This exploration of conversational narcissism began with "Self-Importance and Conversational Narcissism at Work: I," Point Lookout for October 4, 2023, with some definitions and examples. Briefly, conversational narcissism is the set of behaviors a conversation participant uses to direct the focus of a conversation from the topic at hand onto that participant or along directions favored by that participant. Conversational narcissism is a threat to organizational wellbeing because it distorts the outcomes of discussions, biasing them in ways preferred by individuals whose personal agendas might not align with organizational interests. As noted in earlier posts, the methods used can be categorized as emphasizing some combination of self-importance, exploitation of others, exhibitionism, and impersonal relationships. This post continues an exploration of the narcissistic behaviors that are most closely associated with impersonal relationships.
A bit of terminologyFollowing the When someone enters our personal space,
especially unexpectedly, we might fold our
arms. This is a defensive and comforting
stance that is an example of an adaptor.pattern of previous posts in this series, I begin with some introductory information, repeated here for convenience. If you recall those earlier posts well enough, you can skip this next bit. In the first post of this series I introduced the term abuser as a shorthand for narcissistic conversation participant, because the term narcissist won't do — not all abusers are narcissists. In general, it's the behavior that's narcissistic, not the person exhibiting the behavior (though some who exhibit the behavior are narcissists). In these posts, I describe someone as "having the talking stick" if he or she is the person whom the conversation participants acknowledge as the current speaker. (The term speaker won't do, because someone else might be speaking too.)
Five patterns of conversational narcissism that are associated with distracting other participantsGuided by the work of Vangelisti, et al., I've collected 17 different patterns abusers use and which are associated with impersonal relationships. [Vangelisti 1990] Although Vangelisti, et al., use the term impersonal relationships to refer to this theme, I prefer off-putting interactions. My preference arises from my desire that the term be applicable not only to interactions between people who do have a working relationship of some kind, but also to interactions between people who don't have much of a relationship beyond the incident at hand. This might occur, for example, in the (relatively common) case of a cross-functional team or task force comprised of people who work together only rarely. Another example: making a case to a governance panel for a waiver of policy. In a previous post I described six off-putting behaviors abusers use to create and maintain distance between themselves and other conversation participants. Those patterns relate to the way abusers respond to the contributions of other conversation participants. In this post I describe five more patterns. These patterns relate to how abusers' behavior distracts other participants from the matter at hand.
- Exhibiting distracting adaptors
- When we're feeling uncomfortable in a situation, we tend to try to restore a sense of comfort. Among the tactics we use are those called adaptors. [Ekman 1969] Adaptors are non-verbal. For example, when someone enters our personal space, especially unexpectedly, we might fold our arms. This is a defensive and comforting stance. It's an example of an alter-adaptor, sometimes called an other-adaptor. The three types of adaptors — self-adaptors, alter-adaptors, and object-adaptors — all involve some kind of touching. Respectively, they're responses to something about oneself, another person, or an object. Adaptors don't communicate any particular message, and they usually occur outside the awareness of the people exhibiting them.
- Along with the fidgeting movements that we interpret as signs of nervousness, we tend to "read" an abuser's adaptors as indicators of anxiety in the abuser. Making such interpretations can make us uncomfortable — they're off-putting. So an abuser who feels nervous or who feels uncomfortable because the group's focus is on someone else might resort to using adaptors, which, in turn, makes other conversation participants feel uncomfortable. This dynamic pulls the entire conversation away from its objective, with everyone feeling uncomfortable, until the abuser finds comfort either by turning the focus onto themselves or a topic more preferred, or by some other method, or by exiting the conversation.
- Displaying impatience with others
- When someone other than the abuser has the talking stick, the abuser regards the situation as a problem to be solved, because the talking stick is essential for controlling the conversation. There is no time for patience or courtesy. Displaying impatience is one way to demand the talking stick. But the display serves another purpose less obvious. Displaying impatience deters other conversation participants from reaching for the talking stick, because they realize that being next to speak invites open conflict with the abuser.
- Scanning beyond the conversation
- In a room that contains multiple simultaneous conversations, scanning behavior involves assessing other conversations from afar, usually one-by-one. For the abuser, the assessment can determine which conversations might be most vulnerable to being repointed into some direction more to the abuser's liking. A reliable assessment might require that the abuser process both visual and auditory samples. The consequence of such scanning is a change in the abuser's affect. Abusers engaged in scanning seem to be obviously inattentive to the conversation they're attached to. Other participants in that conversation, recognizing that the abuser is searching for more interesting ground, often take offense.
- Chasing squirrels
- One definition of squirrelly is, "inclined to rush this way and that unpredictably," a sense that has been in use for many decades. [Harper 2023] A tactic abusers might deploy is to "go squirrely," or as some say, "chase squirrels." It involves interjecting an irrelevant comment at what seems to be a random time. "Look! A rainbow!" Or, as in the Disney/Pixar film, Up!, calling out "Squirrel!." The effect is striking. The conversation almost certainly retargets itself to whatever the abuser evoked. Some participants resent this tactic, but many just follow along. In any case, the abuser will have taken over the conversation.
- Interacting with devices
- One form of distraction unavailable until more recently than the work of Vangelisti, et al., is the personal electronic device — smartphones, computers, tablets, and their much earlier audio-only predecessors. Abusers dissatisfied with the present conversation can easily tune it out and engage with their devices. More significant, perhaps, is the message they communicate to other conversation participants by doing so. Engaging with a personal device has an effect like some combination scanning beyond the conversation and displaying impatience with others. And if the abuser uses the device to communicate with other conversation participants, the effect is enhanced, because it establishes a second e-conversation that competes with the face-to-face conversation.
Last wordsThese posts have been assuming, implicitly, that the conversation in question is a face-to-face conversation. But all the tactics described have virtual analogs. We can explore the possibilities by positing a virtual conversation, and devising descriptions of virtual conversational narcissistic tactics. In next week's post I'll examine six more patterns abusers use to distance themselves from other conversation participants. Those patterns relate to how abusers use cameras and how they ask questions to control the behavior of other conversation participants. First in this series Next in this series Top Next Issue
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