Like many of you, I subscribe to some private email discussion groups. One of mine is several years old, and includes lots of people who've been using email for about 25 years. Although they're sophisticated about email, they're struggling, as I write this, with a hot controversy. Some messages have been very personal and hurtful. How can this group, which is so experienced with email, get itself into such a fix? And what can we do when otherwise responsible people get caught up in heated email debate?
When we communicate, we can't control how other people interpret our communications. We send whatever we send, and people receive what they receive, and we can't guarantee congruence of sent to received. Neither sender nor receiver is wholly responsible. No amount of modifying one's tone, or volume, or topic can get around this completely.
Email is especially vulnerable to this problem. We write it quickly and we read it quickly. Most of us are good readers (if we actually read the whole message) but, alas, most of us aren't such great writers. Accidents are inevitable.
Suggestions that people take more care might help a bit, but for problematic cases, I've never seen the take-more-care tactic work over the long term in email.
Here are three things you can do:
- Avoid TUI (Typing Under the Influence)
- Adrenaline is a dangerous drug. If an especially hurtful or maddening message gets your adrenaline pumping, leave the keyboard at once. Do not send email. Do not pass Go. Get up, wander around, go work out, or do something physical to work off the hormone. This is simple biology.
- Recognize that some messages need no reply
- You can't always tell
whether your correspondent
actually intended to hurt you
or was just out of control
- Some messages are meant to hurt, and some are hurtful by accident. The trouble is that you can't always tell whether your correspondent actually intended to hurt you or was just out of control (TUI). Once you recognize this, you can decide not to reply to the more outrageous messages. Most of your colleagues have the good sense to recognize your silence as grace.
- Adopt a "Take-It-Outside" norm
- In the Wild West, people had fistfights and gunfights indoors. Or at least they did in the movies. We don't have to do that in email. In email, we can agree that if two people get going at each other, and if they can't avoid TUI, then someone will ask them to take it outside, where they can continue, or not, wherever they like. It's best to adopt this norm before trouble breaks out.
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More articles on Emotions at Work:
- Conflict Haiku
- When tempers flare, or tension fills the air, many of us contribute to the stew, often without realizing
that we do. Here are some haiku that describe some of the many stances we choose that can lead groups
into tangles, or let those tangles persist once they form.
- Sixteen Overload Haiku
- Most of us have some experience of being overloaded and overworked. Many of us have forgotten what it
is not to be overloaded. Here's a contemplation of the state of overload.
- Big Egos and Other Misconceptions
- We often describe someone who arrogantly breezes through life with swagger and evident disregard for
others as having a "big ego." Maybe so. And maybe not. Let's have a closer look.
- Scope Creep, Hot Hands, and the Illusion of Control
- Despite our awareness of scope creep's dangerous effects on projects and other efforts, we seem unable
to prevent it. Two cognitive biases — the "hot hand fallacy" and "the illusion
of control" — might provide explanations.
- Why Scope Expands: II
- The scope of an effort underway tends to expand over time. Why do scopes not contract just as often?
One cause might be cognitive biases that make us more receptive to expansion than contraction.
Forthcoming issues of Point Lookout
- Coming April 24: Big, Complicated Problems
- Big, complicated problems can be difficult to solve. Even contemplating them can be daunting. But we can survive them if we get advice we can trust, know our resources, recall solutions to past problems, find workarounds, or as a last resort, escape. Available here and by RSS on April 24.
- And on May 1: Full Disclosure
- The term "full disclosure" is now a fairly common phrase, especially in news interviews and in film and fiction thrillers involving government employees or attorneys. It also has relevance in the knowledge workplace, and nuances associated with it can affect your credibility. Available here and by RSS on May 1.
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- The Power Affect: How We Express Our Personal Power
- Many people who possess real organizational power have a characteristic demeanor. It's the way they project their presence. I call this the power affect. Some people — call them power pretenders — adopt the power affect well before they attain significant organizational power. Unfortunately for their colleagues, and for their organizations, power pretenders can attain organizational power out of proportion to their merit or abilities. Understanding the power affect is therefore important for anyone who aims to attain power, or anyone who works with power pretenders. Read more about this program.