When It Really Counts, Be Positive

Ray was relieved. After three difficult meetings, this last one was wonderful. The team had really converged. As the facilitator led them through a mini-retrospective of the meeting itself, he came to the section "What We Liked." People said things like "We were productive" and "We generated some great ideas." When Deanna offered, "Nobody was negative," Ray couldn't restrain himself: "Yes, and everyone was positive."

They all laughed, and his remark had some substance, too. We often use negative terms to express ourselves. We describe what is not, what was not, and what cannot be, instead of what is, what was, and what can be. Even though the literal meanings of positive and negative constructions are (almost) the same, positive constructions are safer in tense situations — they energize, they enhance understanding, and they lift spirits.

When Deanna said, "Nobody was negative," she evoked the unpleasantness of the previous meetings. Unwittingly, she reminded the rest of the team of past negativity. If she had said, "Everyone was positive," they would have recalled the pleasantness of that last meeting. Of the two experiences — recalling the unpleasantness, or recalling the pleasantness — the pleasant one can be more helpful and more fun.

Deanna's choice of words probably had little lasting impact in that case. But when tempers flare, when frustration is high, or when there's tension in the room, being positive can help the group maintain its center — or recover it.

We choose between the negative and the positive more often than we know. For instance, I could have titled this essay "Avoiding Negatives." Here are two common situations to get you started noticing the opportunities to be positive.

Discussing alternatives

In discussing alternatives, we say "I disagree," "It's not so simple," and "That's not the whole story." These phrases can create a feeling of being criticized, and can elicit defensiveness. Try "I agree with a lot of that, and I wonder, what about…" or "I understand, and I'm wondering about the possibility that…"

Expressing our preferences

Expressing our preferences, we sometimes describe what we don't like instead of what we do like. Compare "I have some concerns about that approach — what if X happens?" with "I like that approach. Can we find a way to extend it to cover X?"

Over the next week, carry an index card around and jot down examples of negative constructions that could have been positive. Begin by looking at what others say — it's easier. As you become more sensitive to the choices, a wonderful thing will happen. Effortlessly, you'll find yourself being less negative — oops, I mean, more positive. And you just might find that it catches on.  Top    Next Issue

The article you've been reading is an archived issue of Point Lookout, my weekly newsletter. I've been publishing it since January, 2001, free to all subscribers, over the Web, and via RSS. You can help keep it free by donating either as an individual or as an organization. You'll receive in return my sincere thanks — and the comfort of knowing that you've helped to propagate insights and perspectives that can help make our workplaces a little more human-friendly. More

Your comments are welcome

About Point Lookout

Thank you for reading this article. I hope you enjoyed it and found it useful, and that you'll consider recommending it to a friend.

This article in its entirety was written by a human being. No machine intelligence was involved in any way.

Point Lookout is a free weekly email newsletter. Browse the archive of past issues. Subscribe for free.

Support Point Lookout by joining the Friends of Point Lookout, as an individual or as an organization.

Do you face a complex interpersonal situation? Send it in, anonymously if you like, and I'll give you my two cents.

Related articles

More articles on Emotions at Work:

Manipulated Commitments

Manipulated or coerced commitment looks pretty good on paper, but it might not lead to dedicated action. When the truth is finally revealed, trouble can be unavoidable.

Confirmation Bias: Workplace Consequences: I

We continue our exploration of confirmation bias, paying special attention to the consequences it causes in the workplace. In this part, we explore its effects on our thinking.

Compulsive Talkers at Work: Peers II

Our exploration of approaches for dealing with compulsive talkers now concludes, with Part II of a set of suggestions for what to do when peers who talk compulsively interfere with your work.

Why Dogs Make the Best Teammates

Dogs make great teammates. It's in their constitutions. We can learn a lot from dogs about being good teammates.

Regaining Respect from Others

When you feel that a colleague has lost professional respect for you — or never really had respect for you — what can you do about it? Check your conclusions, check whether it's about you, and ask for a dialog.

See also Emotions at Work and Emotions at Work for more related articles.

Forthcoming issues of Point Lookout

Coming April 2: Mitigating the Trauma of Being Laid Off

Trauma is an emotional response to horrible events — accidents, crimes, disasters, physical abuse, emotional abuse, gross injustices — and layoffs. Layoff trauma is real. Employers know how to execute layoffs with compassion, but some act out of cruelty. Know how to defend yourself. Available here and by RSS on April 2.

And on April 9: Defining Workplace Bullying

When we set out to control the incidence of workplace bullying, problem number one is defining bullying behavior. We know much more about bullying in children than we do about adult bullying, and more about adult bullying than we know about workplace bullying. Available here and by RSS on April 9.

Coaching services

I offer email and telephone coaching at both corporate and individual rates. Contact Rick for details at rbrentSgXnAlNVWlhxNIJner@ChacAtZoEYrrmofzZnjPoCanyon.com or (650) 787-6475, or toll-free in the continental US at (866) 378-5470.

Get the ebook!

Past issues of Point Lookout are available in six ebooks:

• Get 2001-2 in Geese Don't Land on Twigs (PDF, )
• Get 2003-4 in Why Dogs Wag (PDF, )
• Get 2005-6 in Loopy Things We Do (PDF, )
• Get 2007-8 in Things We Believe That Maybe Aren't So True (PDF, )
• Get 2009-10 in The Questions Not Asked (PDF, )
• Get all of the first twelve years (2001-2012) in The Collected Issues of Point Lookout (PDF, )

Are you a writer, editor or publisher on deadline? Are you looking for an article that will get people talking and get compliments flying your way? You can have 500-1000 words in your inbox in one hour. License any article from this Web site. More info