Point Lookout: a free weekly publication of Chaco Canyon Consulting
Volume 2, Issue 11;   March 13, 2002:

When It Really Counts, Be Positive

by

When we express our ideas, we can usually choose between a positive construction and a negative one. We can advocate for one path, or against another. Even though these choices have nearly identical literal meanings, positive constructions are safer in tense situations.

Ray was relieved. After three difficult meetings, this last one was wonderful. The team had really converged. As the facilitator led them through a mini-retrospective of the meeting itself, he came to the section "What We Liked." People said things like "We were productive" and "We generated some great ideas." When Deanna offered, "Nobody was negative," Ray couldn't restrain himself: "Yes, and everyone was positive."

One negative outweighs a world of positivesThey all laughed, and his remark had some substance, too. We often use negative terms to express ourselves. We describe what is not, what was not, and what cannot be, instead of what is, what was, and what can be. Even though the literal meanings of positive and negative constructions are (almost) the same, positive constructions are safer in tense situations — they energize, they enhance understanding, and they lift spirits.

When Deanna said, "Nobody was negative," she evoked the unpleasantness of the previous meetings. Unwittingly, she reminded the rest of the team of past negativity. If she had said, "Everyone was positive," they would have recalled the pleasantness of that last meeting. Of the two experiences — recalling the unpleasantness, or recalling the pleasantness — the pleasant one can be more helpful and more fun.

Deanna's choice of words probably had little lasting impact in that case. But when tempers flare, when frustration is high, or when there's tension in the room, being positive can help the group maintain its center — or recover it.

We choose between the negative and the positive more often than we know. For instance, I could have titled this essay "Avoiding Negatives." Here are two common situations to get you started noticing the opportunities to be positive.

We often describe what is not,
what was not, and what
cannot be, instead of
what is, what was,
and what can be
Discussing alternatives
In discussing alternatives, we say "I disagree," "It's not so simple," and "That's not the whole story." These phrases can create a feeling of being criticized, and can elicit defensiveness. Try "I agree with a lot of that, and I wonder, what about…" or "I understand, and I'm wondering about the possibility that…"
Expressing our preferences
Expressing our preferences, we sometimes describe what we don't like instead of what we do like. Compare "I have some concerns about that approach — what if X happens?" with "I like that approach. Can we find a way to extend it to cover X?"

Over the next week, carry an index card around and jot down examples of negative constructions that could have been positive. Begin by looking at what others say — it's easier. As you become more sensitive to the choices, a wonderful thing will happen. Effortlessly, you'll find yourself being less negative — oops, I mean, more positive. And you just might find that it catches on. Go to top Top  Next issue: Change How You Change  Next Issue

Rick BrennerThe article you've been reading is an archived issue of Point Lookout, my weekly newsletter. I've been publishing it since January, 2001, free to all subscribers, over the Web, and via RSS. You can help keep it free by donating either as an individual or as an organization. You'll receive in return my sincere thanks — and the comfort of knowing that you've helped to propagate insights and perspectives that can help make our workplaces a little more human-friendly. More

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Conflict resolution skills are certainly useful. Even more advantageous are toxic conflict prevention skills, and skills that keep constructive conflict from turning toxic.

See also Emotions at Work and Effective Communication at Work for more related articles.

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When a colleague asks for assistance, we can feel validated, even flattered. But not all requests for help are what they seem. The more devious amongst us can be endlessly creative in employing requests for help to achieve devious ends. Available here and by RSS on July 6.
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