When You Think They've Made Up Their Minds

Tom didn't quite know what to do. He had prepared several creative proposals, and until just now, he'd hoped that the Wolcott team would have brought some of their own. But they hadn't, and they didn't like his ideas either.

In desperation, he tried, "Maybe we should look at these options again — perhaps I explained them poorly."

Powell spoke for Wolcott. "No, you did a fine job — all three are just non-starters. We liked where we were yesterday."

When we're negotiating a difficult issue, we might occasionally feel that our negotiation partners are being inflexible. They won't even entertain alternatives that seem to us to be promising. We sometimes say to ourselves, "they've made up their minds."

We can feel frustrated when we encounter this. For most of us, flexibility and rationality are attributes we value, and when someone openly "breaks the rules," we can even feel angry.

Keeping in mind the many possible meanings of their behavior can make it easier to accept difference when we find it. Here are just a few alternative explanations for apparent intransigence. Of course, analogous ideas apply to you, too.

Maybe they know something

Perhaps there's some important information that they know and you don't. Whether or not that information is correct, they may be unable to share it with you. If you knew it too, your views might be more in alignment with theirs.

Maybe they don't know they know something

Perhaps they know something, and they believe that you know it, too, but you don't. If having the information is important to their view, not having it might be important to yours. Try inviting them to explore assumptions and context with you, to be certain that they've shared everything they can.

Beliefs are stronger than facts

They might have firm beliefs, rather than facts, that lead them to the conclusion they've reached. Persuading someone of the validity of facts is often possible; persuading someone of the invalidity of their beliefs is much more difficult.

The slim end of the wedge

They might believe that you have a wider agenda than you claim, and that if they flex here, you'll move them along toward your real objective. Is there any truth in this?

Directed disagreement

A superior might have directed them to take the position they're taking. This can happen, for example, when compromise might threaten a larger strategy that they're unwilling to modify or disclose, assuming that they know what it is.

When you next encounter strong differences, it might help to remember that we can never really know what's in the mind of another. And sometimes, we're not completely sure about our own.  Top    Next Issue

Are you fed up with tense, explosive meetings? Are you or a colleague the target of a bully? Destructive conflict can ruin organizations. But if we believe that all conflict is destructive, and that we can somehow eliminate conflict, or that conflict is an enemy of productivity, then we're in conflict with Conflict itself. Read 101 Tips for Managing Conflict to learn how to make peace with conflict and make it an organizational asset. Order Now!

For more about differences and disagreements, see "Appreciate Differences," Point Lookout for March 14, 2001; "Towards More Gracious Disagreement," Point Lookout for January 9, 2008; "Blind Agendas," Point Lookout for September 2, 2009; and "Is the Question 'How?' or 'Whether?'," Point Lookout for August 31, 2011.

Your comments are welcome

About Point Lookout

Thank you for reading this article. I hope you enjoyed it and found it useful, and that you'll consider recommending it to a friend.

Point Lookout is a free weekly email newsletter. Browse the archive of past issues. Subscribe for free.

Support Point Lookout by joining the Friends of Point Lookout, as an individual or as an organization.

Do you face a complex interpersonal situation? Send it in, anonymously if you like, and I'll give you my two cents.

Related articles

More articles on Personal, Team, and Organizational Effectiveness:

There Is No Rumor Mill

Rumors about organizational intentions or expectations can depress productivity. Even when they're factually false, rumors can be so powerful that they sometimes produce the results they predict. How can we manage organizational rumors?

Personal Trade Secrets

Do you have some little secret tricks you use that make you and your team more effective? Do you wish you could know what secret tricks others have? Here's a way to share your secrets without risk.

Wacky Words of Wisdom

Words of wisdom are so often helpful that many of them have solidified into easily remembered capsules. We do tend to over-generalize them, though, and when we do, trouble follows. Here are a few of the more dangerous ones.

Deciding to Change: Trusting

When organizations change by choice, people who are included in the decision process understand the issues. Whether they agree with the decision or not, they participate in the decision in some way. But not everyone is included in the process. What about those who are excluded?

Risk Creep: I

Risk creep is a term that describes the insidious and unrecognized increase in risk that occurs despite our every effort to mitigate risk or avoid it altogether. What are the dominant sources of risk creep?

See also Personal, Team, and Organizational Effectiveness for more related articles.

Forthcoming issues of Point Lookout

Coming October 17: Overt Belligerence in Meetings

Some meetings lose their way in vain attempts to mollify a belligerent participant who simply will not be mollified. Here's one scenario that fits this pattern. Available here and by RSS on October 17.

And on October 24: Conversation Irritants: I

Conversations at work can be frustrating even when everyone tries to be polite, clear, and unambiguous. But some people actually try to be nasty, unclear, and ambiguous. Here's Part I of a small collection of their techniques. Available here and by RSS on October 24.

Coaching services

I offer email and telephone coaching at both corporate and individual rates. Contact Rick for details at rbrenbAYYqLRpQInCgUBHner@ChacpwAxilukWAtXnEIIoCanyon.com or (650) 787-6475, or toll-free in the continental US at (866) 378-5470.

Get the ebook!

Past issues of Point Lookout are available in six ebooks:

• Get 2001-2 in Geese Don't Land on Twigs (PDF, USD 11.95)
• Get 2003-4 in Why Dogs Wag (PDF, USD 11.95)
• Get 2005-6 in Loopy Things We Do (PDF, USD 11.95)
• Get 2007-8 in Things We Believe That Maybe Aren't So True (PDF, USD 11.95)
• Get 2009-10 in The Questions Not Asked (PDF, USD 11.95)
• Get all of the first twelve years (2001-2012) in The Collected Issues of Point Lookout (PDF, USD 28.99)

Are you a writer, editor or publisher on deadline? Are you looking for an article that will get people talking and get compliments flying your way? You can have 500 words in your inbox in one hour. License any article from this Web site. More info

Public seminars

The Power Affect: How We Express Our Personal Power

Many people who possess real organizational power have a characteristic demeanor. It's the way they project their presence. I call this the power affect. Some people — call them power pretenders — adopt the power affect well before they attain significant organizational power. Unfortunately for their colleagues, and for their organizations, power pretenders can attain organizational power out of proportion to their merit or abilities. Understanding the power affect is therefore important for anyone who aims to attain power, or anyone who works with power pretenders. Read more about this program.

• A recording of a program presented 6:00 PM June 29 (Eastern Time), Monthly Webinar, Technobility Webinar Series. You can earn 1.0 Category 'A' PDU by viewing this program. View this program now.