
Tug of War between sailors and Marines in Vera Cruz, ca. 1910-1915. Sometimes even the simplest negotiation feels like a tug of war.
The photo is by the Bain News Service, from the George Grantham Bain Collection of the U.S. Library of Congress.
Tom didn't quite know what to do. He had prepared several creative proposals, and until just now, he'd hoped that the Wolcott team would have brought some of their own. But they hadn't, and they didn't like his ideas either.
In desperation, he tried, "Maybe we should look at these options again — perhaps I explained them poorly."
Powell spoke for Wolcott. "No, you did a fine job — all three are just nonstarters. We liked where we were yesterday."
When we're negotiating a difficult issue, we might occasionally feel that our negotiation partners are being inflexible. They won't even entertain alternatives that seem to us to be promising. We sometimes say to ourselves, "they've made up their minds."
We can feel frustrated when we encounter this. For most of us, flexibility and rationality are attributes we value, and when someone openly "breaks the rules," we can even feel angry.
Keeping in mind the many possible meanings of their behavior can make it easier to accept difference when we find it. Here are just a few alternative explanations for apparent intransigence. Of course, analogous ideas apply to you, too.
When they won't budge,inflexibility is only one
possible explanation
- Maybe they know something
- Perhaps there's some important information that they know and you don't. Whether or not that information is correct, they may be unable to share it with you. If you knew it too, your views might be more in alignment with theirs.
- Maybe they don't know they know something
- Perhaps they know something, and they believe that you know it, too, but you don't. If having the information is important to their view, not having it might be important to yours. Try inviting them to explore assumptions and context with you, to be certain that they've shared everything they can.
- Beliefs are stronger than facts
- They might have firm beliefs, rather than facts, that lead them to the conclusion they've reached. Persuading someone of the validity of facts is often possible; persuading someone of the invalidity of their beliefs is much more difficult.
- The slim end of the wedge
- They might believe that you have a wider agenda than you claim, and that if they flex here, you'll move them along toward your real objective. Is there any truth in this?
- Directed disagreement
- A superior might have directed them to take the position they're taking. This can happen, for example, when compromise might threaten a larger strategy that they're unwilling to modify or disclose, assuming that they know what it is.
When you next encounter strong differences, it might help to remember that we can never really know what's in the mind of another. And sometimes, we're not completely sure about our own. Top
Next Issue
Are you fed up with tense, explosive meetings? Are you or a colleague the target of a bully? Destructive conflict can ruin organizations. But if we believe that all conflict is destructive, and that we can somehow eliminate conflict, or that conflict is an enemy of productivity, then we're in conflict with Conflict itself. Read 101 Tips for Managing Conflict to learn how to make peace with conflict and make it an organizational asset. Order Now!
For more about differences and disagreements, see "Appreciate Differences," Point Lookout for March 14, 2001; "Towards More Gracious Disagreement," Point Lookout for January 9, 2008; "Blind Agendas," Point Lookout for September 2, 2009; and "Is the Question "How?" or "Whether?"," Point Lookout for August 31, 2011.
Your comments are welcome
Would you like to see your comments posted here? Send me your comments by email, or by Web form.About Point Lookout
Thank you for reading this article. I hope you enjoyed it and
found it useful, and that you'll consider recommending it to a friend.
This article in its entirety was written by a human being. No machine intelligence was involved in any way.
Point Lookout is a free weekly email newsletter. Browse the archive of past issues. Subscribe for free.
Support Point Lookout by joining the Friends of Point Lookout, as an individual or as an organization.
Do you face a complex interpersonal situation? Send it in, anonymously if you like, and I'll give you my two cents.
Related articles
More articles on Personal, Team, and Organizational Effectiveness:
When Your Boss Attacks Your Self-Esteem
- Your boss's comments about your work can make your day — or break it. When you experience a comment
as negative or hurtful, you might become angry, defensive, withdrawn, or even shut down. When that happens,
you're not at your best. What can you do if your boss seems intent on making every day a misery?
Ten Reasons Why You Don't Always Get What You Measure: III
- The phrase "You get what you measure," has acquired the status of "truism." Yet
many measurement-based initiatives have produced disappointing results. Here's Part III of an examination
of the idea — a look at management's role in these surprises.
Unnecessary Boring Work: I
- Work can be boring. Some of us must endure the occasional boring task, but for many, everything about
work is boring. It doesn't have to be this way.
A Pain Scale for Meetings
- Most meetings could be shorter, less frequent, and more productive than they are. Part of the problem
is that we don't realize how much we do to get in our own way. If we track the incidents of dysfunctional
activity, we can use the data to spot trends and take corrective action.
Improvement Bias
- When we set about improving how our organizations do things, we expose ourselves to the risk of finding
opportunities for improvement that offer very little improvement, while we overlook others that could
make a real difference. Cognitive biases play a role.
See also Personal, Team, and Organizational Effectiveness and Personal, Team, and Organizational Effectiveness for more related articles.
Forthcoming issues of Point Lookout
Coming May 21: Mismanaging Project Managers: Mechanics
- Most organizations hold project managers accountable for project performance. But they don?t grant those project managers control of needed resources. Nor do they hold Project Sponsors or other Senior Managers accountable for the consequences of their actions when they interfere with project work. Here?s a catalog of behaviors worth looking at. Available here and by RSS on May 21.
And on May 28: Mismanaging Project Managers: Leadership
- Most organizations hold project managers accountable for project performance. But they don't hold Project Sponsors or other Senior Managers accountable for the consequences of their actions when they interfere with the project manager's ability to lead the project team. Available here and by RSS on May 28.
Coaching services
I offer email and telephone coaching at both corporate and individual rates. Contact Rick for details at rbrenner@ChacoCanyon.com or (650) 787-6475, or toll-free in the continental US at (866) 378-5470.
Get the ebook!
Past issues of Point Lookout are available in six ebooks:
- Get 2001-2 in Geese Don't Land on Twigs (PDF, USD 11.95)
- Get 2003-4 in Why Dogs Wag (PDF, USD 11.95)
- Get 2005-6 in Loopy Things We Do (PDF, USD 11.95)
- Get 2007-8 in Things We Believe That Maybe Aren't So True (PDF, USD 11.95)
- Get 2009-10 in The Questions Not Asked (PDF, USD 11.95)
- Get all of the first twelve years (2001-2012) in The Collected Issues of Point Lookout (PDF, USD 28.99)
Are you a writer, editor or publisher on deadline? Are you looking for an article that will get people talking and get compliments flying your way? You can have 500-1000 words in your inbox in one hour. License any article from this Web site. More info

- Your stuff is brilliant! Thank you!
- You and Scott Adams both secretly work here, right?
- I really enjoy my weekly newsletters. I appreciate the quick read.
- A sort of Dr. Phil for Management!
- …extremely accurate, inspiring and applicable to day-to-day … invaluable.
- More