Grace Under Fire: I

We're all flawed. We don't always behave in the way we hoped we would. Sometimes, our errors are 100% our own doing. And sometimes, what we regret is our response to what someone else has said or done (or hasn't said or hasn't done), intending to cause us to slip. We have names for that kind of error. We call it "taking the bait," "falling for that trap," "caving under pressure," or other similar phrases.

Successfully avoiding such traps is described as "showing grace under fire," "keeping your cool," or "keeping your head." Searching for tips about how to do that, we find suggestions like "control your emotions," "be positive," or "don't take it personally." But how does one do that?

Recognizing attackers' tactics in the moment, as they're being used, is helpful. Some tactics are obvious to most people, but here's a little catalog of some of the less obvious tactics people use to bait others.

Cloaked insults

Cloaked insults accomplish the attacker's goal more effectively than do obvious insults, because, to witnesses, a graceless response to obvious insults is understandable. But a comment that's insulting only if one knows important information might instead seem to be an innocent, factual observation. Responding gracelessly to such comments can seem to be over the top or inexplicable. Examples of cloaked insults include references to past private disagreements, or oblique references to the target's past failures or transgressions.

Subtle attacks

When attacks are subtle enough, they don't appear to bystanders to be attacks at all. As an example of a subtle attack, consider an assertion that the attacker expects to be selected for a possible future assignment to which both attacker and target aspire, but which bystander witnesses know little about. Witnesses might see the remark as innocent; the target might see it otherwise. Counterattacking, even deftly, can seem to be unprovoked.

Verbal triggering

If attacker When attacks are subtle enough,
they don't appear to bystanders
to be attacks at alland target have had a relationship of significant duration, or if somehow the attacker has gained knowledge of topics that are sore spots for the target, the attacker can use word choices that bring these tender areas to mind for the target. For example, consider a discussion at a meeting. If the target led an effort in the past that is now widely regarded as a disappointment, the attacker can use an example from that effort as an illustration in support of a point someone else has made in the course of the current discussion. The attacker thus makes it necessary for the target to expend effort to maintain composure. In itself, this barb might not precipitate the target's loss of composure, but such expenditures of effort do accumulate. See "Ego Depletion: An Introduction," Point Lookout for November 20, 2013 for more.

We'll continue next time with more techniques for baiting other people.  Next in this series  Top    Next Issue

Are you fed up with tense, explosive meetings? Are you or a colleague the target of a bully? Destructive conflict can ruin organizations. But if we believe that all conflict is destructive, and that we can somehow eliminate conflict, or that conflict is an enemy of productivity, then we're in conflict with Conflict itself. Read 101 Tips for Managing Conflict to learn how to make peace with conflict and make it an organizational asset. Order Now!

Your comments are welcome

About Point Lookout

Thank you for reading this article. I hope you enjoyed it and found it useful, and that you'll consider recommending it to a friend.

Point Lookout is a free weekly email newsletter. Browse the archive of past issues. Subscribe for free.

Support Point Lookout by joining the Friends of Point Lookout, as an individual or as an organization.

Do you face a complex interpersonal situation? Send it in, anonymously if you like, and I'll give you my two cents.

Related articles

More articles on Conflict Management:

Stonewalling: I

Stonewalling is a tactic of obstruction used by those who wish to stall the forward progress of some effort. Whether the effort is a rival project, an investigation, or just the work of a colleague, the stonewaller hopes to gain advantage. What can you do about stonewalling?

How to Avoid Responsibility

Taking responsibility and a willingness to be held accountable are the hallmarks of either a rising star in a high-performance organization, or a naïve fool in a low-performance organization. Either way, you must know the more popular techniques for avoiding responsibility.

Confronting the Workplace Bully: II

When bullied, one option is to fight back, but many don't, because they fear the consequences. Confrontation is a better choice than many believe — if you know what you're doing.

How Workplace Bullies Use OODA: II

Workplace bullies who succeed in carrying on their activities over a long period of time are intuitive users of Boyd's OODA model. Here's Part II of an exploration of how bullies use the model.

Strategic Waiting

Time can be a tool. Letting time pass can be a strategy for resolving problems or getting out of tight places. Waiting is an often-overlooked strategic option.

See also Conflict Management and Workplace Politics for more related articles.

Forthcoming issues of Point Lookout

Coming November 21: Make Suggestions Privately

Suggesting a better way of doing things can sometimes backfire surprisingly and intensely. Making suggestions privately reduces that risk, but introduces a different risk. Available here and by RSS on November 21.

And on November 28: Wacky Words of Wisdom: VI

Adages, aphorisms, and "words of wisdom" seem valid often enough that we accept them as universal and permanent. Most aren't. Here's Part VI of a collection of widely held beliefs that can be misleading at work. Available here and by RSS on November 28.

Coaching services

I offer email and telephone coaching at both corporate and individual rates. Contact Rick for details at rbrenOeKtikAeLBrpGMkiner@ChacqFfTqPYtrOAuTzQtoCanyon.com or (650) 787-6475, or toll-free in the continental US at (866) 378-5470.

Get the ebook!

Past issues of Point Lookout are available in six ebooks:

• Get 2001-2 in Geese Don't Land on Twigs (PDF, USD 11.95)
• Get 2003-4 in Why Dogs Wag (PDF, USD 11.95)
• Get 2005-6 in Loopy Things We Do (PDF, USD 11.95)
• Get 2007-8 in Things We Believe That Maybe Aren't So True (PDF, USD 11.95)
• Get 2009-10 in The Questions Not Asked (PDF, USD 11.95)
• Get all of the first twelve years (2001-2012) in The Collected Issues of Point Lookout (PDF, USD 28.99)

Are you a writer, editor or publisher on deadline? Are you looking for an article that will get people talking and get compliments flying your way? You can have 500 words in your inbox in one hour. License any article from this Web site. More info

Public seminars

The Power Affect: How We Express Our Personal Power

Many people who possess real organizational power have a characteristic demeanor. It's the way they project their presence. I call this the power affect. Some people — call them power pretenders — adopt the power affect well before they attain significant organizational power. Unfortunately for their colleagues, and for their organizations, power pretenders can attain organizational power out of proportion to their merit or abilities. Understanding the power affect is therefore important for anyone who aims to attain power, or anyone who works with power pretenders. Read more about this program.

• A recording of a program presented 6:00 PM June 29 (Eastern Time), Monthly Webinar, Technobility Webinar Series. You can earn 1.0 Category 'A' PDU by viewing this program. View this program now.